Hey, hey!
Happy New Year, folks!
I hope that you all had a safe and amazing day/night!
As for myself?
December 31st was my 37th birthday!
Yeah!
That's a thing!
I have survived 37 years on this strange planet of ours.
1924 weeks!
Over 13,500 days!
I am blessed beyond words, you know?
Many people don't live long enough to see this age, as young as it may seem, and I am very aware of that.
It makes me that much more grateful to be here.
I have experienced many, many feelings in all my years, you know?
Love.
Pain.
Happiness.
Loss.
Joy.
And so much more.
Some that I would have rather not experienced.
Some that I would love to be able to go back and repeat.
Life...
It is a random bag of the most interesting events and random happenstances.
I have had my fair share, perhaps even a bit more!
I am forever grateful.
Forever.
I look around myself and see nearly everything that I could ask for, nearly everything that I have stopped and prayed for, regardless of my lot in life, and regardless of what I do or don't have. I live paycheck to paycheck, but I am HAPPY.
I am alive and happy.
Just four years ago, I would not have been able to say that.
I was in a miserable relationship with a bitter woman who wanted nothing from me but what I could do for her, or what I could give.
I am healed, healthy, happy, and hopeful.
I will live, laugh, and love with all that I have left, for as long as I have left to do so.
I will be grateful for each and every waking moment.
For every morning that I wake, and for every night that I lie my body down to rest.
I will be grateful.
Let's make this year an amazing one, yeah?
We owe that to ourselves.
Leave all of the heavy, dark, bitter, mean, hurtful energy behind!
A new year is here!
We may not be different people, but at the end of the day, we can make different and better choices, you know?
Make some good choices.
Hell, make some bad choices!
Just live and do so with clean morals and a pure heart.
I don't know how one would go about making bad choices with a good heart, lol, but hey, humanity!
I will let you all get to what you came here for, and I will see you back here soon enough!
Enjoy!
(Turns the key in the ignition of the newly remodeled Slappery-Slappish-Slappington 3000.1! and listens as the engine purrs and whistles!)
-----
April 06th, 2022.
-----
Dear You.
You know what is weird?
Being single...
It's been 8 years.
What do I do?
Make friends?
So... strange.
Not interacting with people can really stifle your growth if you are an extrovert, like myself...
I find myself constantly letting XXXXX slip into my mind.
I have to stop that.
I need to remember all of the things that she has done.
All that she has the mental capacity to do...
I can't live like that.
I am free.
I need to love freely.
-Dad.
-----
Hmm.
-You know what?
I was, in fact, not free.
Nor would I be for another almost three years!
That was mostly my fault...
I had left her, yes, but I couldn't bring myself to let go.
I couldn't bring myself to fully face all that she had put me through, and allow myself to properly feel the pain and anger and hatred that would ultimately manifest without the cloak of love and infatuation I had for her.
I needed to let myself fully see her for who and what she was without the veil over my sight, or I would have never pushed her out of my life for good.
When I tell you I loved her, Kid...
I loved her beyond any reason.
I had to peel away the mask that she wore and kill the adoration.
That took me shattering her illusions and standing up to her manipulative ways.
That didn't happen till almost three years after I left her...
That's how bad I was condescended, degraded, demeaned, and undermined.
Trauma is a real and potent thing, Folks.
See to it that you face yours and get it taken care of.
Life is far too short to not be as happy as possible.
-I was so detached from my friends that it took me a good year to get back to what we used to have. That was really hard, but really worth it.
People need people, you know?
I went too long without my people, and my mental health suffered for it.
If you know anything about me by this point, it is the fact that I am not very family-oriented, so for her to alienate me from my friends was especially diabolical...
-She would slip into my mind because not only was I with her for just over eight years, but we had just broken up less than a month before this entry as well. I was still living with her for about a month and a half before I was approved for my own place, and that fucking sucked! She was even meaner and more toxic to me in that time than she had almost ever been, but at the same time, she would try to buy me things and initiate sex...
What a manipulative piece of work, I tell you...
Love bombing at its worst and finest.
I held out.
I did my best to keep my head and heart guarded, because the better part of me knew that she only wanted me around for her own well-being.
She asked me once as she sat on my couch:
"Will you always at least be my friend? You bring a sense of...normality to my life..."
Selfish... she never stopped to consider the effect that her presence in my life was causing me...
Nor did she ever care.
I was not in love with her then, as it was maybe a year or so after I had left her, but she would still come around and try to get me to hang out with her, or go places and do things.
I didn't like or want that, but I loved her still.
Regardless of what I told myself, or what she put me through.
Regardless of what she would say to me, or how she would make me feel.
I still loved her.
A tiny part of me still saw the "good" in her...
That tiny part of me that she still had a sliver of power over.
That tiny part of me that was holding on to the idea that she could heal and be a better version of herself for the both of us...
She would not.
She never planned to change or be "better".
She just wanted me in her life as it spiraled out of her control.
Her best friend dies.
I was gone.
Her bills were piling up.
Her family was falling apart health-wise.
She wanted me to be her rock when she would have never done a fraction of what she was asking of me.
It took me till late 2024 to really cut her off and distance myself for my own good.
And you know what?
I can breathe better.
I feel lighter.
I feel new and different.
Does she cross my mind at times?
Yes.
Do I miss her?
I miss the her that I thought I knew and fell in love with at times.
The one who needed a knight.
But that version of her -for all I know- was only ever a mask.
A projection of what she wanted me to see.
An illusion that led me astray for nearly 12 years.
I've said it once, and I will most likely say it many more times before this book is finished:
Don't let someone's love be a cage.
Don't, I beg of you.
Leave.
This life is far too short, and for all we know, we only get one.
Don't waste it away loving someone who wants nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what you can do for them or provide.
Love carefully, Folks, because the opposite of love is quite painful.
I will see you back here soon enough, yeah?
Let us make the best of this new year, okay?
Keep your heads up, folks!
We've got this!
I love you all, and I will see you again soon!
Safe travels, my good people!
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.