Hey, Kid.
Hey, Folks.
I hope that this year has been treating you all well!
I have been just fine over in my corner of the world!
I recently got myself back into Lego, and it's been very therapeutic for me and this inner child of mine.
There is something about just sitting and putting together a random construct, you know?
It detaches me from the world, and I find peace in that separation.
Maybe you all should give it a try, even if it's just small kits, or even if the kits you like/find are not Lego brand.
It doesn't matter, just get those hands working, and those minds healing!
I have been doing and feeling good this year, you know?
Mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I love myself.
I love my life.
I love my short stories and poetry.
I love my friends.
I love my Readership.
I love YOU, Kid.
I love all of you as well, Folks.
I will leave you at that and let you get to what you came for, yeah?
See you back here soon!
"Hops into the cockpit of the Slappery-Slappish-Slappington 3000.1 and slaps the key into the ignition and turns it with enough force to get things started, but not enough to break it! This ought to be a good one!"
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April 13th, 2020.
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Dear You.
Crazy part is?
You may be that much closer to being here.
On Earth.
The very idea fills me with so many things.
Love.
Fear.
Excitement.
Trepidation.
Honor.
Pride.
Worry.
I want your mother to be okay...
The LAST thing I want is to change her life when she isn't ready.
As much as I want you to be here, her body is her own. I would never want to change her life in any way that she was not ready for.
Not that you would be an "accident" or anything...
It's just that we aren't together yet technically...
She isn't mine.
I am not hers...
That hurts.
And sucks.
But things will change with time.
In what ways?
I can't say if for the better or for worse...
I envy the father of XXXXX.
I really do.
I will never have that connection with her.
Even if you do come along.
The first is just different.
Especially when you... imprint on someone.
When you feel every second that you are/were apart...
That connection is something that will always be there with him...
Not me.
He gave her her first child.
Not me.
He was there.
THEY have a beautiful child...
I try not to think about it, but I can't help it.
I wanted that so bad...
If you exist, I don't want you to think that I love you any less.
I could never.
Just imagine if you fell madly in love with someone, and they left you...
And all the love you had for them never died...
Then, suddenly reappeared and had a child with someone else.
The child that you so badly wanted to give them...
I have to get past that.
XXXXX is a blessing.
All children are.
I just...
Missed that chance...
It means so much to me.
It hurts.
It always will.
I just want YOU.
That is it.
I will be happy.
I am to the point where I don't care who your mother is...
I just want you in my arms...
I guess that is selfish of me...
Even these feelings...
She went and lived her life.
Without me.
I got over that.
I guess I either didn't imagine that she would have a kid, or I just didn't want to admit the possibility...
I hate this feeling.
I hate that I couldn't be the one.
I hate that such a sacred thing was lost...
Not to her.
I need to stop...
I am just going to put myself into a funk...
Love...
Right?
-Dad.
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Hmm.
I guess I should just take it from the top, huh?
- I was really, really upset with the fact that the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was already the parent to an amazing little girl.
I struggled with it for some time, and had she not simply disappeared on me, I am sure it would have taken quite some time for me to get over it, if ever.
I have and live with something that I call "perpetual baby fever," and it haunts me all the time.
I really thought that this woman would be the mother of my first and perhaps only child.
She sold me that dream...
She made everything sound so damned good...
She pulled me away from my ex.
That is the only thing that matters to me these days.
I no longer care about how she hurt me.
It doesn't affect me anymore, thank the every-loving gods above!
She -like my most recent ex- is noting more now but a memory, one that crosses my mind from time to time, yet has no greater effect on my life, heart, or mind.
- All those angry, sad, angsty feelings were very much real. I just wanted a child, and at the time, she was the one who was most likely to provide me with one.
Or so I had thought.
- I was worried about her for quite some time due to her coming down with a pretty heavy case of COVID-19. I was blessed to never have had it, you know?
I hope things stay that way!
- I am sure that at my current age and stage in life, I will just end up a Step-dad.
A part of me hates that, but only because I want my own child so badly, you know? All kids deserve love and joy and attention and the feeling of belonging and being loved. If fate would have me be nothing more than a Step-parent, then so be it. I will love that child as if he/she were my very own.
That is all that I could do.
I would take that blessing and honor as it came.
- I was quite envious of her child and the man who fathered her, if you can't tell, lmao.
- I shared my mother with all of my siblings simply because out of the seven of us, four of us had/have different fathers. I was curious as to how my child -You- would feel having to share your mother with a child who was not your full-blood sibling.
It was definitely a haphazard and hectic sort of existence for me, lol.
- I just wanted YOU, Kid. I DID care who your mother was, and I still do. I always will. Your genetics are very important to me, and I refuse to offer you anything but the best. I suppose that I am glad that you were not born to any of my exes. Lort have merbies... I hate that you aren't here, but I love that I didn't have you by accident with someone whom I would have regretted having a child with.
Hmm.
- All of that journal entry was basically a good example of how my mind used to spiral into overthinking.
I would get a fleeting thought, and my mind would constantly feed it, regardless of how I would try to change what I was thinking about. That sucked, and I am happy that I am much better at catching myself when it starts to happen.
It can be hard to stop oneself and step outside of one's own head.
We as humans have a horrible habit of getting in our own way at times, you know?
I wish I could give some sound advice on that, but I am just as human as you all are -that I know of,- and my mind is prone to many of the same things that yours are, lol.
Seek that professional help if you need it; believe me, a little can go a long way.
I will stop here and let you all get back to your lives!
I love and appreciate you all, and I hope that you all are safe and warm if you live somewhere that is being affected by this deep and horrible cold snap!
I will see you all back here next week for the next entry, yeah?
Maybe I'll see you sometime before that if the Slappery-Slappish-Slappington 3000.1 has enough juice in its battery box!
Lol.
See you all soon, yeah?
Safe travels out there, Kid.
You all as well, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Blue.