Hey, Kid.
Hey, Folks.
I hope that 2026 has been good to you thus far!
As for me?
Lego.
Lots and lots of Lego!
I am so serious, lol.
I need something to keep my mind focused so that I can save money and build some sort of future for myself, you know?
I would like to live to see at least 65, and I am sure I will need some means of survival, lol.
I hate that I tend to live paycheck to paycheck, but that is how I grew up, and that is the habit and mindset that I unfortunately let myself stay in for far too long.
I just turned 37, and I have less than $40.00 in my savings.
No good.
No good. No good. No good.
I need to do better.
Be better.
And I will.
This year will be different.
I feel my heart and mind stabilizing fully, finally, and you know what?
It feels amazing.
I love myself.
I love my life.
I love my mind and my heart.
I love all of you.
You as well, Kid...
Even if you aren't here in the flesh just yet.
Let's see what I was getting into back in 2022, shall we?
I am sure it was something interesting enough since I was freshly single after nearly a decade!
Hmm.
Let us be off, yeah?
See you back here in 2026 soon enough!
Enjoy.
(Activates the Slappery-Slappish-Slappington 3000.1! and hops into the cockpit! This trip should be a good one, right?)
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April 4th, 2022.
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Dear You.
I don't know why I got the urge to tell you this, but I probably will never tell her.
XXXXX XXXXX.
If she is your mom, I guess it matters to me still. I can't imagine that this feeling would ever change...
If you are here, and she is your mother, I wouldn't want you to read this and judge her. She lived her life just as anyone else did, and she wasn't with me...
I need to tell myself that all the time...
(Sad face drawn here.)
I'll just say it...
The fact that your mom had a child with another person killed/kills me...
It always has, and always will.
I know it's selfish... But I wanted to be that man. I wanted to be the one to have a child with her.
I wanted to be her first everything.
But we didn't...
It wasn't meant to be that way... And it kills me.
I hate to have to be in a love triangle.
I hate to think of anyone else loving her or being near her in that way.
When we separated, I looked for her for years... And I always loved her, but she moved on.
Which is normal.
But I never did.
I guess that was foolish of me...
I don't...I... XXXXX is a gift.
A blessing...
Mine or not.
Her life is a gift from the Universe.
I will love her just as I love her mom...
Your mom.
(IF she is your mom, mind you. I am currently single and just venting, I guess...)
I have never told anyone that...
Never will, odds are.
It sucks that life... MY life tends to give me so much.
But only half...
The woman of my dreams was someone else's dream first.
Our history... Complex.
I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her, and it broke me when she left me.
I could never and have never healed from that.
She is my heart's deepest scar, and I love her beyond reason...
I just hope that she...
I hope it is different this time around...
I wish I could not hurt from her.
From our past.
Sometimes I hate being human.
I hate having so much emotion...
I hate remembering so much...
I hate that my mind always needs answers.
I hate that I need to be loved to be happy...
I am so traumatized that it isn't funny...
Love suck, Kid...
It is heavy, and hard, and not fair...
It is rare and beautiful...
I hope you find someone who loves every inch and molecule of who you are...
I really do.
I pray that you will never feel how I feel right now.
Remember: I will ALWAYS love you.
Till the day I die.
Even if you are never born...
-Dad.
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Continued for two more pages.
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I guess I never stated it, right?
Or, I feel like I didn't.
I hate that your step-sister, or half-sister, I guess, isn't mine...
I wanted that experience...
The wife and kids...
With one person.
I never wanted a love triangle.
An extra, outside life...
Whatever.
It doesn't matter...
I will keep something to myself...
As much as I like to record my thoughts for you, a part of me is just ready to give up on you ever being born.
Life is hard,
It is selfish to want a child so badly, only for it to have to live on this planet and be subject to all the shitty shit that it has to offer.
Some things are better left untold...
A part of me hopes you will never come...
Earth is...
I don't know...
Too much...
Humans tend to suck...
I am so down right now.
I'm sorry.
I told myself I would never vent to you, just stories and history...
I will keep to that...
-Dad.
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Hmm.
Hmm, indeed.
I was really going through it that year, and I definitely remember why.
I was freshly single, and my ex-fiancé was rather suddenly back in the picture.
I was still living with the woman I had just broken up with, and it was far too long a wait for my new place to be ready.
About a month and a half.
I was stuck and miserable.
My ex would pop up out of the blue, and she helped me keep my head above water and anchored me so that I wouldn't end up going back to the woman who had ruined me.
At the same time, she was selling me the most vivid, amazing dream that I could imagine.
Bah, lol.
People can be so damned weird and dishonest.
She was really just taking advantage of my super vulnerable state so that she could get sex and attention from me.
Bah, again.
I was very much in love with her when we were together, and she had chosen to ghost me at the peak of our relationship, just months after SHE had proposed to ME.
That was one of the toughest things I had ever had to face and go through.
Needless to say, I was surprised that she suddenly wanted to talk and make up. I was in a bad place, or I would have shot her down immediately.
She had been one of the worst lessons of my life, and I have no idea why I was so apparently smitten by her. It was probably my heart and mind seeking something comfortable and familiar while my life was burning down around me.
Sheesh.
When we "reunited", I quickly found that she had a child.
A four-year-old daughter.
While it hadn't initially bothered me, she began to talk about a future between us, and a child of our own, and that started to get to me. I slowly let the fact that she had ghosted me creep back into my head, and it came with many other worries.
Like, why wasn't she still with the father of this child? And why suddenly did she have such an amazing amount of interest in me?
The more I thought about it, the less I liked the idea of being a step-dad to that child. I didn't want to feel or be used.
She had other plans for me anyway, lbvs...
Some humans can be quite selfish, I tell you.
I hope that this year has been good for all of you so far!
You as well, Kid!
Let's do our best to make 2026 a good one, yeah?
Life is far too short not to be happy, healthy, and most importantly, humble.
I will leave you at that, and I hope to see you all back here soon for the next one, yeah?
Do me a favor.
Don't answer those calls, texts, emails, and inboxes from your toxic ex.
You deserve better this year.
I love you, Kid.
You as well, Folks.
Let's be great this year.
Together.
Safe travels, Folks.
You as well, Kid.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.