Mordecai dismissed the golden window with a flick of his wrist. "Critics," he muttered, adjusting his cap. "They want 'sexy drama,' but they don't understand that a well-organized filing cabinet is the highest form of arousal."
He turned back to his new workforce.
The Azure Blades of Destiny were no longer adventurers. They were six hunched figures in grey jumpsuits with "UNPAID INTERN" stenciled on the back.
Sir Aric was waist-deep in the moat, scrubbing algae with a toothbrush and weeping silently, with a totally defeated expression.
Ignis, the Grand Wizard, stood in a dark corner of the courtyard. His staff glowed brightly, serving as a lamp, while he emitted muffled Mmmph-Mmmph noises due to his lockjaw.
The Healer was watering poison ivy.
The Bard was in the lobby, playing a slow, soul-crushing bossa nova version of "Welcome to Your End."
"Finally," Mordecai sighed, sitting on his throne. "Productivity."
But the peace lasted exactly thirty seconds.
Three figures peeked cautiously through the open gate.
Mordecai and his "Workers" immediately moved their gaze towards the entrance.
They were the Scout Support Team, sent ahead to check on Sir Aric's glorious victory.
In that moment, Mordecai realized that his fight didn't satisfy the Higher Realms, that's why the System sent other people to 'die'.
'Is this what readers want? Random NPC's who probably have a life and family to randomly die only to fullfill their arousal?' Mordecai sighed.
"Psst! Aric!" a ranger whispered. "Hey! We saw the lights! Did you defeat the Evil Lord?"
Sir Aric paused his scrubbing. He turned slowly. His eyes were dead, devoid of the spark of adventure, replaced by the dull grey of corporate resignation.
"Greetings," Aric said, his voice monotone. "I am not authorized to interact with external visitors during business hours. Please submit a written request to the Spectral HR Department if you wish to schedule an appointment."
"What?!" The ranger paled. "Aric, snap out of it! It's us! Grab your sword and let's go!"
"My sword has been seized as collateral for structural damages," Aric recited, returning to the algae. "Furthermore, the benefits package includes dental coverage in 400 years. I cannot jeopardize my vesting period. It is a growth opportunity."
Ignis the Lamp blinked in Morse code: H-E-L-P-I-A-M-F-U-R-N-I-T-U-R-E.
The scouts recoiled in horror. They had faced dragons and demons, but they had never seen anything as terrifying as this: the end of contractual freedom.
"It's not a dungeon..." the ranger whispered, trembling. "It's a corporate office! He stole their souls with bureaucracy!" "We have to warn Niel! We need the real reinforcements!" "RUN! BEFORE HE MAKES US SIGN AN NDA!"
'Thank God, I didn't want any other fight. I'm still mentally preparing for the incoming Elf-'
The scouts turned and bolted for the exit, screaming as if the devil himself were chasing them with a clipboard. They reached the archway, salvation just inches away.
But fate, and logistical efficiency, had other plans.
VWOOM.
Just as the scouts were about to cross the threshold, a spatial rift tore open in the center of the arch. A perfect, rectangular blue portal. And out of it stepped Larry.
Mordecai didn't call him, so he was confused.
'Eh? What-'
In that moment, a System Notification appeared in front of him.
[IMPORTANT SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
[THE HIGHER REALMS WANTED LARRY. LARRY WANTED TO SHOW YOU HIS WORK. HE'S VERY PROUD OF WHAT HE DID.]
[SYSTEM NOTE FROM THE ADMIN: YOU IGNORED LARRY FOR TOO MUCH TIME, SWEETIE. THAT'S WHY WE SENT HIM HERE.]
*edgy facepalm*
The skeleton was radiant. He wore heavy-duty work gloves, his utility belt cinched tight, and in his arms, he cradled a massive burlap sack that clinked musically. He had finished. He had polished every single spoon in the dungeon to a mirror finish.
He stepped forward with a wide, skeletal grin on his face (metaphorically), his eyes glowing with the innocent joy of a child bringing a drawing to his parents. He raised a shining spoon high, ready to present it to Mordecai as proof of his diligence. His non-existing heart was full of happiness.
But suddenly, something very bad happened.
SLAM.
The fleeing scouts, blind with panic, didn't see the skeleton. They plowed into Larry like a runaway freight train. "MOVE, BONE-BAG!" the ranger screamed, kicking the skeleton aside to clear the path.
Larry went airborne. Time slowed down. Mordecai watched from the throne. Pyroas looked up from her notebook. The interns stopped cleaning. Larry spun in mid-air, his phalanges reaching out in a desperate, silent plea. The sack tore open.
It rained spoons. Hundreds of them. Polished with love, sparkling like diamonds, they fell into the mud of the courtyard. They bounced off dirty stones. They splashed into the putrid moat water where Aric was scrubbing. A lifetime of work (or rather, un-life) ruined in a single second.
Larry hit the ground with a dry clack of disjointed bones. The scouts didn't stop. "Go! Go! Warn Niel!" they screamed, disappearing into the fog of the moors.
Mordecai felt his non-existent heart breaking into million pieces.
A deathly silence fell over the courtyard. Larry didn't get up immediately. He lay there, his skull turned sideways, watching a single, mud-splattered spoon spin to a halt right in front of his eye socket. In that reflection, he saw his broken soul.
For an instant, even the wind seemed to hold its breath.
Then, Larry stood up. Not with his usual jerky, cheerful motions. He rose slowly. Smoothly. Like a predator deciding its prey doesn't deserve a quick death. The small violet flickers in his eye sockets didn't just glow. They ignited into torches of pure crimson hate.
[SYSTEM ALERT: MINION 'LARRY' HAS EXPERIENCED 'WORKPLACE TRAUMA'.]
[EMOTIONAL PARAMETER UNLOCKED: CUSTODIAL RAGE.] [NEW SKILL ACQUIRED: 'YOU MISSED A SPOT'.]
Larry opened his jaw. No sound came out, but the air around him began to vibrate with a low frequency that rattled teeth. It was the psychic scream of a janitor who has just mopped the floor, only to watch someone walk over it with muddy boots.
Mordecai felt the corner of his mouth twitch. He couldn't hold it back. A genuine, amused smile spread across his face. "For the first time since I arrived in this godforsaken world," he chuckled, "I am actually entertained." Without realizing, he adjusted his pose on the chair. He was now sitting like every basic edgy villain you usually see everywhere.
But before Larry could chase the scouts and dismember them with a dessert spoon, a new noise thundered from outside.
"HALT, COWARDS!"
From the mist emerged an army. Or rather, two entire guilds. And leading them, in a pose that defied every law of spinal anatomy, was Her.
Niel. The High Elf.
"Where are you running?!" Niel shrieked at the terrified scouts. "Where is my beloved Nick?! I brought reinforcements!"
The scouts stopped, pointing at the castle with trembling hands. "In there... it's hell! They hired Aric! They turned Ignis into a lamp! Run, Niel! They'll make you sign a permanent contract!"
Niel scoffed, tossing her perfect blonde hair. "Ridiculous. No one can defeat the power of love and fanservice!" She pointed her bow at Mordecai, who had just walked out of the main gate, flanked by his two new "Managers."
She was radiating the word "Fan-Service" from every angle of her body. The living embodiment of decorative uselessness. She wore armor that covered less skin than a swimsuit and was shouting orders with a voice high and grating enough to shatter glass.
"YOU!" Niel shouted, posing to better display her 'assets.' "You radiate the aura of a Virgin Villain! Surrender now, or I will strike you with my... uh... Arrow of Eternal Love!"
Mordecai looked at the Elf. Then he looked at Larry, who was sharpening a spoon against his ribs with a murderous glare. Then he looked at the notification Cassandra had just handed him.
Niel continued to strike a pose that defied the laws of anatomy, her bow drawn in a way that prioritized the display of her silhouette over any actual tactical advantage.
'Usually, when an important character appears, you see the whole anime budget spent on that single scene, moreover, they make a big, boring monologue on who they are and how important they are. Instead, she immediately went into the action with threats. It seems that I was right. Someone told her to use the logic. Someone probably knows about me. Inefficient.' (He formulated that thought in 0.000000354149284810 seconds.)
Mordecai stared at her for a few seconds, then let out a heavy, weary sigh.
"Let's see what kind of narrative bug we're dealing with this time," Mordecai muttered. "System, Reveal Magic."
In that exact moment, the entire world froze. Time stopped. Everything became grey, and the elevator music started to play.
'Ah. This is nostalgic.'
[SKILL ACTIVATED: REVEAL MAGIC – ASSET AUDIT MODE]
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: YOU'RE GONNA NEED MORE TIME TO SEE EVERY DETAIL, SO WE MADE AN EXCEPTION AND STOPPED TIME.]
A golden status window, decorated with lace borders and floating pink hearts—clearly a default interface designed for fan-service archetypes—popped up before his eyes. Mordecai began scrolling through the data, his expression darkening with every line.
NAME: Niel of the Verdant Wind
CLASS: Elite Archer (Theoretical) / Nick's Concubine (Official)
RELATIONSHIP: Property of the Protagonist (Loyalty Level: Blind and Irrational)
DISTINGUISHING TRAITS:
[Anomalous Gravitational Assets]: Chest volume ignores the laws of physics and momentum. +100% Visual Distraction, -50% Actual Agility.
[Display Armor]: Wearing 10% of the required fabric. Protection: 0. Visibility: Maximum.
[Damsel Syndrome]: In the presence of an Alpha Male, her IQ drops by 40%.
ACTIVE SKILLS:
[Arrow of the Smitten Heart]: An arrow that never actually hits the target until the plot demands so but creates a very cute sparkling trail.
[Cringe Encouragement Shout]: Screams Nick's name, boosting his morale while causing auditory hemorrhaging to anyone with a modicum of good taste.
[Accidental Trip]: 75% probability of tripping on a flat surface to reveal undergarments.
Mordecai massaged his temples. "This is a logistical nightmare. She can't shoot, she can't dress herself, and her only function is to be an ornament for that Nick guy, just like in every Harem anime. She's an insult to efficiency."
At that moment, the bottom of the screen began to flash furiously. The comments from the "Higher Realms" were flooding the channel, obsessed with a single, depressing technical detail.
[TRANSMISSION: HIGHER REALMS CHAT - LIVE FEED]
ANIME_GOONER_99: "WAIT! ANALYZE THE PURITY STATUS! IS SHE STILL A VIRGIN?! IT'S VITAL FOR MY IMMERSION!"
WAIFU_HUNTER: "I bet Nick already touched her. If she isn't pure, burn the book! 1/10!"
PURE_SOUL_PROTECTOR: "SHE MUST BE A VIRGIN! Only then will the cuckolding of Nick be truly satisfying for us viewers! CHECK IT, MORDECAI!"
Mordecai stared at the text scrolling by with pure disgust. "What a bunch of degenerates," he thought. "Obsessed with statistical data that is completely irrelevant to production."
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: SCANNING 'PURITY' METADATA...]
[RESULT: VIRGIN (STATUS: INTACT).]
[ADMIN NOTE: THE WORLD-BUILDING PROTOCOL HAS MAINTAINED THIS PARAMETER TO PREVENT A 90% DROP IN READER ENGAGEMENT. NICK IS TOO BUSY MONOLOGUING TO ACTUALLY FINISH THE JOB. SOME READERS SAY THAT HE'S SUFFERING FROM ED.]
"Happy now?" Mordecai murmured to the invisible commentators. "She's untouched only because the author is too lazy to write a sex scene and Nick is too busy looking in a mirror. Now, if you're finished molesting my metadata, I have a company to run."
He closed the window with a sharp flick and then time resumed to move.
[NEW CHALLENGER: NIEL (THE USELESS ELF).]
[THREAT LEVEL: ANNOYINGLY LOW.]
[POTENTIAL ASSET: FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST.]
Mordecai sighed. 'It's going to be a long day.'
He then stood up from his "throne" and stepped forward. "Nick isn't here," he said, his voice amplified by the acoustics of the keep. "But since you are his... 'support staff,' I assume you are here to file a grievance?"
"I am here to kill you!" Niel shouted. "Men! Attack! Save the world! For Nick!"
The two guilds—fifteen high-level adventurers—roared and charged the gate. Larry, realizing he was outnumbered, scrambled back, clutching his now dirty spoons protectively. His murderous instinct had ceased, probably because killing people would disappoint his master. He started to grab the spoons from the ground while everyone ignored him.
Pyroas stepped forward, her hands igniting with black flame. "Boss. Permission to incinerate the perimeter?" Cassandra floated up, quill ready. "My Liege! I can draft a 'Cease and Desist of Life' order! It will take 40 seconds to cast!"
"No," Mordecai said. His violet eye flared. "I need to test the new protocols. Stand down. This is an Executive matter."
He raised his hand. He didn't cast a shield. He cast a Mood.
[SKILL ACTIVATED: PASSIVE - CORPORATE LETHARGY FIELD]
The effect was instantaneous. The air in the courtyard turned a shade of fluorescent-light grey. The temperature didn't drop, but the energy did. It felt like 4:55 PM on a Friday. The charging tanks slowed down. Their roar of "FOR GLORY!" turned into a yawn. "Ugh..." one of them muttered, lowering his shield. "Man... I'm really tired. Maybe we can siege the castle on Monday?" Their attack speed dropped by 80%. Their aggression plummeted to near zero. They looked like they just wanted to go home and complain about their commute.
Niel, however, resisted. Her "Idiot Protagonist Energy" gave her resistance to logic-based debuffs. "What are you doing?!" she shrieked. "Wake up! Attack him! [SYLVAN ARROW OF THE...]"
Mordecai snapped his fingers.
[SKILL ACTIVATED: EXECUTIVE ORDER] [RULE: "NO VERBAL SKILL ACTIVATION WITHIN COMPANY GROUNDS."]
Niel's mouth opened. "[SYLVAN ARR—]... Glah?!" She choked. An invisible hand clamped over her throat. A red warning sign appeared over her head: [VIOLATION: UNAUTHORIZED SHOUTING].
"You..." she wheezed. "You cheat!"
"It's not cheating," Mordecai said calmly. "It's policy."
He raised his right hand. The shadows around him coalesced into stacks of spectral paper. Thousands of forms. Tax returns. Liability waivers.
[SKILL ACTIVATED: PAPERWORK AVALANCHE]
"Bury them," he commanded.
The papers surged forward like a white tsunami. The adventurers screamed—not in pain, but in boredom—as they were engulfed. "Sign here!" the papers whispered. "Initial here! You missed a field!"
Only Niel remained standing, waist-deep in paper. "I won't yield!" she cried, tears streaming down her face. "Nick will come for me! He loves me!"
"He sent you to die while he ran away," Mordecai corrected her. "You are not a partner. You are a disposable asset."
Niel's eyes widened.
[HIGHER REALMS COMMENT SECTION: DISAPPOINTED.]
Lukas_the_great: HE'S USING THE SAME SKILLS AGAIN?!?! BORING!
Vanilla_reader: PLEASE! UNLOCK NEW SKILLS! TETANUS BOLT!
He took a deep breath, pretending not to have read the things he had just seen and then channeled the System's "Edgy Protagonist" requirement.
[SKILL ACTIVATED: CALL OF THE UNDEAD]
[CONDITION MET: RULE VIOLATION DETECTED.]
"ARISE, MY ARCHIVIST! AUDIT THEIR SOULS!"
The ground cracked. Ugo rose from the earth, wearing a spectral SWAT vest and holding a glowing clipboard. "Ma'am," Ugo said politely. "You are in violation of the Noise Ordinance. I must detain you."
Niel screamed as Ugo lifted her off the ground. Mordecai approached the dangling Elf. He analyzed her stats. High Charisma. Terrible Accuracy. She was useless in combat. But... Ravenloft Holdings needed a pretty face for the front desk.
He reached out. His hand glowed with the golden light of a binding contract.
[SKILL ACTIVATED: HOSTILE TAKEOVER]
"Niel of the Verdant Wind," Mordecai intoned. "Your party has failed. Your leader has abandoned you. Your assets are seized." He summoned a contract. "I offer you a position. Junior Public Relations Intern."
"Intern?!" Niel gasped. "I am an Elite Archer!"
"Benefits include: Not dying. A roof over your head. And a dental plan," Mordecai listed. "Duties include: Greeting guests, apologizing for delays, and wearing an outfit that is actually appropriate for office work. Sign, or Larry gets to use you for spoon-polishing practice."
Larry sharpened a spoon menacingly. Scrik-scrik.
Niel looked at the skeleton. She looked at the scary Secretary Pyroas. She looked at the contract. She sobbed, defeated. "I... I accept."
She touched the contract. The golden chains wrapped around her neck, forming a spectral choker with a name tag: "NIEL - INTERN".
[HOSTILE TAKEOVER SUCCESSFUL.]
[NEW EMPLOYEE ACQUIRED: NIEL (INTERN).]
[PART 1/40 OF NEW HIDDEN QUEST COMPLETED : HAREM ROUTE. +200000 EXP, NEW SKILLS UNLOCKED.
1. [Passive: Dense Protagonist Armor (V2.0 Corporate)]
Description: Inspired by the classic Light Novel trope where the protagonist is biologically incapable of noticing romantic interest.
Effect: Mordecai becomes 100% immune to all "Charm," "Seduction," or "Erotic Aura" based attacks. Every attempt to flirt with him is filtered by the System and displayed as [CORPORATE SPAM].
System Note: "Even if she strips in front of you, your brain will only calculate how much you're saving on the room's heating bill."
Admin note: "I know that you're not dense, sweetie... this skill is for pure aesthetic~2. [Active: HR Catfight Mediation]
Description: A direct parody of harem members fighting for the protagonist's attention.
Effect: When two or more female party members begin to argue out of jealousy, Mordecai can force them to sit at a spectral conference table. The participants must fill out a Formal Grievance Form in twelve copies. All rage is instantly converted into [Meeting Fatigue].
Cost: 50 Mana and a pack of stale office biscuits.
3. [Skill: Strategic Fanservice Redaction]
Description: A skill that physically destroys the concept of "bikini armor" and "accidental trips."
Effect: Mordecai can instantly modify a subordinate's (or enemy's) outfit if it violates workplace safety standards. Cleavages are closed by starched collars, and short skirts are transformed into multi-pocket cargo pants.
Buff: +20% Physical Defense, -100% Viewer Ratings from the Higher Realms.
4. [Ultimate: Hostile Engagement]
Description: A parody of the "Soul Bond" or "Forced Marriage" tropes common in LitRPGs.
Effect: Mordecai can "bind" a defeated enemy to him—not through the power of love, but through a [Non-Compete Professional Exclusivity Contract]. The target cannot betray him, not because they love him, but because the liquidated damages would lead to the repossession of their entire bloodline's assets for seven generations.
5. [Passive: Power of Friendship (Production Incentive)]
Description: Mocks the power-up gained from emotional bonds.
Effect: Mordecai's damage increases by 1% for every employee who has signed a loyalty contract. If Mordecai gives an employee a compliment, they gain the [Delusional] buff, increasing work speed by 50% but reducing self-esteem by 90% when Mordecai clarifies it was "just professional feedback."
6. [Skill: Generic Harem MC Face (The Salaryman Mask)]
Description: Mordecai can assume the flattest, most anonymous, and boring expression possible.
Effect: He becomes invisible to enemies higher than Level 100 who can see through the [TOTALLY HIDE STATUS], who mistake him for an useless background NPC. Extremely effective for avoiding epic boss fights that don't offer a high enough Return on Investment (ROI).
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: HIGHER REALMS FEEDBACK]
NTR_Enjoyer: "HEY! What is this?! No hot spring scene?! No 'oops, I slipped' accidents?! Why is the Elf wearing a high-collar secretary outfit that goes up to her chin?! I WANT A REFUND!"
Lukas_the_great: "Wait, he just turned the 'Power of Friendship' into a 'Yearly Performance Bonus.' That is the most evil and brilliant thing I've ever seen. 10/10 for the soul-crushing realism."
Horny_Admin: "We tried to force an 'accidental trip' event on Niel, but Mordecai's system automatically generated a non-slip mat and a 'Wet Floor' sign. He's literally un-harem-able."
Mordecai stared at the screen for thirty seconds, scrolling through the new skills. They weren't like the old ones. [Tetanus Bolt] had described itself as "a minor necrotic affliction targeting soft tissue." Clean. Fantasy-appropriate. Normal.
Now? Now the System was talking about "fan service" and "harem routes."
He looked at the column of fading black fire where Pyroas had stood. He looked at Cassandra's spectral notepad, still covered in legalese.
Mordecai glanced at Larry, who was now hunched over his spoons, scrubbing mud from each one with obsessive precision. A small System window hovered above the skeleton's skull—something Mordecai had never seen before for a simple minion.
[LARRY - CURRENT TASK: SPOON RESTORATION]
[EMOTIONAL STATE: CUSTODIAL RAGE (SUPPRESSED), SCARED ABOUT THE FACT OF DISAPPOINTING HIS MASTER.]
[DAMAGE POTENTIAL: PREVIOUSLY NEGLIGIBLE | CURRENT: UNKNOWN]
[SYSTEM NOTE: HE'S BEEN COUNTING. HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW MANY SPOONS ARE MISSING. HE WILL REMEMBER THIS. DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPIER IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.]
Mordecai raised an eyebrow. Even Larry's notifications were becoming... corporate. Obsessive. Detailed.
'The System isn't just describing us anymore,' he realized. 'It's becoming us.'
The System was adapting to him. Or maybe...
He was corrupting it.
'This world was written by a psychopath desperate for money.' He thought.
Mordecai then turned around, his cape flourishing. "Pyroetta, find her a uniform. Something that covers more than 10% of her skin. Cassandra, process the rest."
"Yes, Boss!" Pyroas beamed. "At once, my Liege!" Cassandra moaned.
As the sun set over his new empire, Mordecai saw a final notification.
NTR_Lover69 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐: "YES! YES! THE USELESS ELF HAS BEEN CLAIMED! Nick is probably crying in a tavern somewhere! Make her wear a pencil skirt! 10/10 best chapter!"