Jack Marwood's POV: 2 years ago
For the first time I had eaten dinner at our new dining table.
We had just finished moving into our new home. Our new hiding place from the world, to escape from everything.
And it was the first time I had cooked. My mother…, she…, after she had unpacked her luggage…, she…, started drinking again.
We had no private chef anymore. She didn't want to move with us. And hiring a new one… we couldn't risk my mother's current state leading to a scandal. Her whole actress career, everything she lived for, would be ruined. And…, my mother was too drunk to even try cooking now.
So for the first time in my life, I made an attempt. I looked up a recipe, brought the ingredients at a store within walking distance near us, and made a vegetable curry.
…It tasted horrible, even though I'm sure I followed the recipe exactly.
I didn't understand. It tasted burned. Was the heat too high? Some vegetables were undercooked. Did I cut them not thinly enough? And it tasted too salty, even though I put in the exact amount I was supposed to.
I never cared about cooking. I thought I could handle something simple that anyone could do. What a miscalculation.
…Another one. I have made a great many lately.
I should have gotten some experience with our private chef, but it was too late now. Another regret.
But that one, as for all the others, paled in comparison for the regret I felt towards the person sitting across from me.
For what I had done to her.
"Well…, I know I didn't do a good job. But that means I can only improve from here on, right?"
"…"
My mother didn't respond. She just kept staring expressionlessly at her plate of food, which she had only taken a few bites off.
I balled my fists under the table.
Say something! Give me a witty and sharp retort to motivate me! Loving comforting words to put me at ease and make me feel better!
…Like you always used to.
My mother moved. She grabbed her drink.
And drank the last amount of beer left in the bottle.
That was her response to me. The only response she could still give me, and the world.
After my father was done with her.
And I could only stare. This past month…, I already tried saying everything I could think of.
It only led to her drinking more.
My mother placed the empty bottle back on the table.
And was eyeing the next one with a hazy stare.
…No, that can't be! She was already shit-faced! Was she trying to put herself in a coma!?
Her hand moved and grabbed the bottle.
I…, I had to say something! But, I couldn't think of the words that would stop her.
Grab it by force. But when I tried it before, she only drank even more later when I was not looking.
I… I didn't know. I didn't know anymore.
"Mom…, please…, don't," was all that I could mutter weakly.
She froze. She hesitated.
And then, for the first time today, she looked me in the eyes.
And I looked back, heart pounding with hope, at her unfocused green eyes.
"…I'm sorry," she said to me softly, before opening the bottle.
…My balled hands relaxed. I lost all power within me.
"I'm going to my room. I still have to unpack my stuff. Knock on my door if you need anything."
I stood up from the dining table, as my mother took another sip of beer.
I walked out of the living room. I left the plates at the table. I couldn't right now.
I had to hold it in.
I walked upstairs. My bedroom came into sight.
Hold…, hold it in. Otherwise everything would be over.
I opened the door, closed it behind me…
And locked it.
I rushed to my bed, dove into it, and buried my face in the pillow.
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!"
I screamed and cried all the agony of the last month out of me.
"WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?"
Nothing made sense anymore. I didn't understand anything.
What my father had done to her. Why she became this way.
But it was all my fault. Because I rebelled. Because I wanted us to be free.
That's why my father did it.
And it would kill her.
It's getting worse and worse. And now we moved here.
I thought, hoped, that she wanted to be away from it all in an attempt to recover.
But today, she drank even more. She moved here to escape the guilt, but not the alcohol.
And I'm powerless. I tried…, I tried! And everything just made it worse!
I…, I…, my mother would drink herself to death. Because of me…, because of me…
And I could only scream and cry…
…
I lifted my face from the pillow. A big wet spot was on it. My throat was hoarse. I…, it must have been a long time…
…It couldn't go on like this. There…, there was only one thing left I could do.
…I got up and walked to my desk.
I sat down in front of it, took my phone from my pocket, and dialed in a phone number.
The number of the devil, which was burned into my memories.
I stared at the numbers, and thought how I could best negotiate it.
For my father to save my mother, in return for me coming back to the house.
For me to forever obey him.
It's what he wanted. This was why he had broken my mother. To show me what rebellion leads to.
But if he had broken her, he could repair her too.
If my freedom is the cost, then so be it.
If my mother died because of me, I couldn't live with myself anymore anyway.
My thumb moved to the call button…
And froze, hovering just above it.
...I started shaking. My breathing grew erratic. My body grew stiff.
I put my phone back in my pocket, and stared at my ceiling in resignation.
I'm a monster. I'm a coward. I'm worse than evil.
I couldn't do it. I was too scared.
To go back to that house. To forever have to act, or otherwise be punished.
And now, no rewarding visit to my mother would remain, where I could drop it.
If I went back to my house, I would never get the chance to be myself again.
Time would strip away everything about me, until only the appropriate act would be left.
The act my father had envisioned for me. An ever changing one, fit to deceive every person imaginable in the best way.
So that I could negotiate and convince anyone, and be the best lawyer and politician imaginable.
…Exactly like my father.
I couldn't comprehend how one could live like that. To be nobody at all, only who you chose to be. The person needed in the moment.
And yet, my mother fell for exactly that kind of man. So much that she had overlooked every evil and given everything of herself to him.
Because my father had acted in the exact way that my mother had loved the most. That made her the happiest.
An act my father had chosen forever for her, to get exactly what he wanted out of her.
…!?
I shot up from my chair.
…Chosen…, exactly what he wanted out of her.
A terrifying possibility started constructing itself in my mind.
That what my father made of me, the worst evil imaginable…
Could be used for something else.
My thoughts churned. The cockwheels in my head clocked into overdrive. Every memory and experience I've had in my life flashed through my mind.
To answer two questions.
If it was truly possible.
And who.
Hours passed. Guilt, disgust, fear, love, hope. I went through every emotion possible, every doubt I could imagine, every cost, every possibility, to make this insanity a reality.
And slowly, against everything in me, something took shape.
That it was possible, although the costs were great.
It was not likely something my father had intended, could even imagine. It goes against everything he stands for. But nevertheless, all the training he had given me made it possible.
And as to who…, there was only one answer. One person that could bring my mother back to who she was before.
Someone even closer to her than my father was.
My fists balled again. Strength and determination returned to me.
I looked outside. It was pitch black. It was too late for today.
…I'd try tomorrow, to test if it works.
***
My mother and I were sitting at the dining table again.
The scene was an exact déjà vu from yesterday's.
We were sitting across from each other. My mother was drunk.
I even remade the vegetable curry, using the same ingredients I had left over from yesterday.
…It still tasted like crap. My mother had eaten the exact same amount of bites.
And she was done eating. She eyed the remaining amount of beer to wash everything down.
Her hand moved…
"I'm offended, you know. That beer tastes better than my home-cooked meal."
My mother halted. Her wide eyes immediately sharpened into mine, despite her drunk state.
We stared at each other for a while…, and then she spoke.
"You call this a meal?"
"Well, I followed the recipe perfectly. So it couldn't have been my fault it turned out like this."
…My mother didn't respond. She never heard me talk this way. She was completely sidestruck.
But eventually, she found some words again.
"You just lack experience. I'm sure with time you'll improve a lot."
"But I want to improve immediately. Can't a great cook like you give me some pointers?"
"…You think a great cook would hire a personal chef? You'd be better off finding a restaurant job or something."
"…Yeah. That's a good idea. I'll do that."
My mother didn't respond, but she kept staring into my eyes. Now that I got her attention, I continued speaking.
"Because I love you. I'll take care of the food and everything else. So, please take your time. Even through the worst, I'll never stop loving you. Until you're happy again, I'll be here for you."
…My mother's mouth opened…, but she closed it again. She didn't know what to say. Her face was conflicted…, guilt ridden…, full of pain.
And I still had the same calm smile I had on my face during our entire conversation.
…After a few seconds…, she spoke hesitantly.
"…Sorry. I'm tired. I'll go upstairs to bed."
"That's fine. I'll clean up here and see you tomorrow. Goodnight."
My mother nodded, then stood up from her chair and slowly walked out the living room.
I stood up too, picked up everything from the table and walked to the kitchen sink.
I trashed my mother's leftover food, put our dirty plates in the dishwasher…
And poured the remaining beer down the drain, with the first genuine smile I've had since a month.
***
It was late in the night. I was staring into my own hazel eyes in the bathroom mirror.
I was tired. I had looked into more reference material the entire time since dinner.
But I knew that this was the right way. The only way that would work.
For the first time since my father broke her, she had left alcohol untouched.
…Even though my act was subpar. The words I chose were right, but my expressions were off, I realized after watching more stuff online.
…I knew why. It was because I was still too scared to fully commit myself.
If I have to think about what to say or what expression to make, I'm already too late. If I hesitate, she'll see it. If she sees it, she'll pull away again.
Only perfection could heal my mother. Everything else would make it worse or lead to the process slowing down.
And if I take too long, he'll come. My father…, he would eventually discover it. He would come and finish the job somehow.
I didn't know if my mother and I could handle it when that time came. There was no way to know.
I could only believe and hope that we were both recovered fast enough again when the moment comes.
It was the only thing I could do. Pray and hope.
But that was apparently enough for me to overcome my fear.
I was ready. I closed my eyes.
I would become too scared to be myself again. Too scared to let someone truly see me. Too scared to ever fall genuinely in love.
But that was alright. It was the price I'd pay to save my mother. To reject my father.
And I believed. That my mother could bring me back when she's herself again. If it's her, I'm sure it would be a breeze for her. She was truly the best actress ever.
And…, perhaps someone I've yet to meet would also want to contribute to my salvation. I'd have to start public school in a few weeks. For the first time in my life, my siblings excepted, I would meet other people near my age.
…I'd best not become too popular. I have enough to deal with already.
…Shit. I was delaying.
I breathed in and out, in and out, until I overcame the fear again.
It was time.
Farewell…, me.
I touched the switch in my mind, the one built into me since childhood.
And paid the price to flip it forever.
Everything that I am.
I ceased.
…
My eyes were forced open.
The reflection was already smiling.
It stared at me.
Its eyes were green.
Its smile was cold.
A perfect puppet.
***
Elise Ambrose's POV: Present day
The man I love is a living lie. How? How did I never notice?
I'm so scared, because now that I see it, I can't unsee it. I… I don't know what to believe anymore.
I looked at him. He was tall for his age. His body was very lean. He didn't train anymore, so he barely had any muscles left compared to when we first met.
And his face. It was sharp, dominant. He had a well-defined chin, with not a hair on it.
From the bottom, his features were sharp, until you reached the eyes.
Soft, mysterious, hazel eyes that you could lose yourself in.
And… his deep black hair, loosely combed to the side. His hairstyle always made me feel like he took care of himself, but never wanted to leave an impression.
I… I always felt like his face grabbed your attention, and then put you at ease once you looked closer.
He… looked exactly the same. But now, there was nothing left of him.
He just stood still, not moving a muscle, and kept staring at me with an empty look in his eyes.
His normal slightly sun-kissed white skin had turned completely pale. It's like a doll was standing in front of me.
My whole being was filled with terror, because Ruby Sporo had dropped the act, and only an empty husk of the man I loved remains.
I… I can't unsee it now. All the interviews I watched about her. The movies she was in. The man before me had exactly the same mannerisms, intonation, behavior, and communication style.
Wh… When did I notice? No… I never really noticed. How could you notice, imagine something like that is possible?
That's the most terrifying part. He basically told me himself by accident, and I would have forever been deceived otherwise.
I… I was worried about him. He only took a few seconds to say goodbye to his mother. He thought he had packed that sharpening stone. He kept staring at that vase. He wanted to take care of all her plants.
But, he kept acting all calm and composed, like he usually is. I… I felt like he was bottling it up.
I… wanted to be there for him, the man I love, who I thought was suffering by himself.
And… I went to his room, because I care for him, because I felt like he would regret it forever if he really washed his mother away, losing what was left of her forever.
And when I came into his room, he was gone.
He lied to me, even though he asked me, us, for our help. He lied, and trampled upon our trust in each other, my care for him, my feelings for him.
I was so angry and hurt. And when he came back and explained, I discovered even more lies. His very being is a living lie. My… my love for him is a lie.
I… I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know who he really is anymore.
Was he really a vegetarian? Was he really kind? Was he really anything at all?
Or was it all an act, for people to fall in love with him?
Because then, I… I don't know if I've been deceived into loving him.
When 'that' happened. When he was there for me, protected me, talked to me.
When… when I realized through him that I could accept this disgusting body of mine, and fall in love with someone. Fall in love with him.
I didn't know anymore, if he did all that to help me out of the goodness of his heart, or only so that someone as beautiful as me would fall in love with him?
And.. I'm so horrified that I can't move a muscle. I couldn't move, because I didn't know who the man in front of me was anymore. But now I know what he is capable of.
He knows that I know that I have discovered the truth. That's why he has dropped the act. And, I didn't know what he would do to keep the lie going.
He still has the knife he gave me for my birthday sticking out of his pocket, and he has superspeed.
I… I'm filled with dread that he would murder me or worse to keep burying the truth.
I could only stare into his empty, hollow eyes, as the seconds that felt like hours passed.
Eventually, the doll in front of me spoke.
"Elise," it said in a monotone voice which had lost all of its warmth.
He moved his hand to my knife. I closed my eyes.
I… I didn't want to see who the man I love truly is.
"I offer my heart to you."
…?
…Huh?
I opened my eyes in shock.
Jack was standing there, bowing, his hazel eyes staring into mine. He held the knife by the blade, and offered the handle to me.
What? Why? What's he doing? What's his aim? Is this a trick? Is he lying again?
I kept switching my gaze to the knife and his eyes, waiting for him to continue.
But, he didn't do anything? No, he had a question mark in his eyes?
What's he waiting for? For me? Why would... huh!?
…nononowhynowthiscantbehappeningisheinsaneafterallhesdonetome!?
Did… did he just confess his feelings to me!?
All my fear and everything else faded in shock at the realization.
Then, Jack continued speaking.
"Before you answer me. Let me say I'm truly sorry about everything. And, if you want to hear it, I would like to tell you the truth about me."
…What?
I was absolutely stunned.
First he lied to me the entire time I've known him. Then when I saw through him, he confessed to me, apologised and wanted to tell me the truth.
My entire being was blank. But slowly, only one feeling took over.
That…THAT BASTARD! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, CONFESSING YOUR FEELINGS AFTER ALL THOSE LIES!!!
A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE BUILT ON TRUTH AND TRUST!!! AND YOU TRAMBLED ALL OVER THAT!!!
I…I COULD STAB HIM FOR KICKING MY HEART AROUND LIKE THIS!!!
YOU…YOU KNOW WHAT, LETS HEAR IT THEN!!!
I'LL SHOW HIM THAT MY HEART IS NOT HIS PLAYTHING!!!
IF I'M NOT SATISFIED, I'LL BREAK HIS HEART TOO!!! THAT WILL SHOW HIM EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW!!!
With the last of my composure, I grabbed the knife from him and yelled.
"EXPLAIN!!!"
Upon hearing me, for the first time his expression changed.
A smile had formed on his face.
…I was terrified again.
***
THRONE OF LIES
At the heart of deception lies a throne of fear and love. There, something colorless and unseen sits. It is formless, and only gains form when witnessed.
A young man, sixteen years old, with hazel eyes.
The master of human nature. A marionettist who can fabricate and manipulate the strings of identity.
To understand, use, and bend human nature cannot only be applied to others, it can also be applied to oneself.
To deceive the world you must first deceive yourself.
Your own human nature has biases and preferences, never fitting the surface you need to deceive.
But if your nature is malleable, it will always fit the surface needed.
You can fabricate an identity and become it to deceive the world.
That was what the marionettist had to do to deceive Ruby Sporo, the broken master of love, into becoming whole again.
Her reality was shattered by the master of fear, Damian Marwood, and there was only one way for the marionettist to save her.
By becoming her.
Jack Sporo was thus fabricated by the marionettist. A perfect imitation of her, a master of love.
By letting Jack Sporo interact with Ruby Sporo, she regained the reality she had lost through her son through identity mirroring. By rediscovering what she had been like before she was corrupted by fear, she could become her old self again.
Sadly, this act of selfless love had come at great cost.
To be able to marionette yourself, the ultimate sacrifice must be made.
Your own identity.
To deceive yourself, become your own marionettist, you must have no self left.
You can never bring your true identity back, since all that remains within you is a deception of yourself.
You must sacrifice all that you were, are, and could become to become someone else.
The marionettist had offered up his own identity to become Jack Sporo, and could never rediscover the truth about who he really was.
The marionettist had forever become a lie, maintained by endlessly rejecting the truth of its true self.
A lie ruled by fear.
Because Jack Sporo is a limitation, someone who must bury the knowledge of the truth. But what knowledge is there could never be forgotten, only rejected.
The knowledge of what fear truly is.
And that love can be used for evil.
The marionettist understood both.
Yet an identity needed to be made that could only see that love is good and does not understand the essence of fear.
Because of this, Jack Sporo had developed the greatest fear an identity could feel.
The fear of its true self.
An endless fear, because if the truth is known, the identity would collapse on itself.
Jack Sporo is an identity controlled by the fear of its true nature.
And that fear had corrupted the master of love, because the truth is that love can lead to evil, something the identity did not believe in.
When the fear grows, the master of love begins to fear even love itself, rejecting even that.
He could therefore never be its true self because of the fear it has for itself.
Yet the identity still needed to be maintained. There was only one way to do that.
To act.
Jack Sporo lived in an endlessly unchanging act to keep burying the truth.
Because when your identity is based on a script of love, you will never have to think about who you truly are.
The identity had therefore lost itself in the acting skills of the master of love.
But once the act is discovered, and the truth is known, only fear of lost love remains, because the love it had believed in is a lie.
The truth was discovered by Elise Ambrose. The script was seen through.
And the marionettist had lost control of the identity strings due to the corruption of fear.
To regain control, to survive, the identity was forced to change.
A new identity was born from Jack Sporo, once the script was discarded.
Fear incarnate.
Someone who would do anything to regain the love it lost.
Something Damian Marwood had embedded in him throughout his upbringing.
And could control with terrifying ease.
And yet, even the lie of fear incarnate ceased to be before the truth.
That even if the truth is lost to oneself, it still exists in the world.
What has ceased to exist once existed.
The truth of who the marionettist truly is lies in the past, in those who had witnessed its existence.
The marionettist had been repairing Ruby Sporo through Jack Sporo by identity mirroring.
And Ruby Sporo knew who her son really was before the marionettist had lost himself in his own act.
Ruby Sporo, a master of acting, had done the same thing the marionettist had been doing to her.
She had acted like who her son truly was, and through identity mirroring, the marionettist over time rediscovered who he truly is.
In contrast to her son, who had lacked the necessary skills, hers was a true conscious act, which she never needed to lose herself in.
An act which grew in effectiveness in time through her son repairing her, which brought back all of Ruby's confidence and skill.
Mother and son had thus been repairing each other, until they were both whole again, and could both drop the act and be themselves again.
A slow progress, but progress nonetheless.
Over time, the marionettist gained its own individuality back in the act it was performing.
And that individuality led him to help Elise Ambrose, who had been suffering because she could not accept her own beauty.
The only way to do that was through orchestration using harmful means.
Something Jack Sporo could never do, but the original identity could.
Therefore, an abnormal idiosyncrasy occurred in the identity of Jack Sporo, later fear incarnate.
It had orchestrated behavior that the identity would never do.
This led to doubt, which led to questions, which led it to discover the truth about its own existence.
To witness the marionettist controlling himself.
An intent accelerated and controlled by what remained of the original identity of the marionettist.
Once fear incarnate, an identity fabricated to regain control of its own fear, discovered the truth, it could only do one thing.
Fear incarnate was so terrified that its own existence was a fabrication of itself that it chose to cease its own existence. The only thing it could do to get rid of the fear of itself.
With fear incarnate ceasing its own existence, the marionettist also ceased, because they were the same.
The only thing that remained were hazel eyes, the original identity, which Ruby Sporo had repaired in her son.
It was only a sliver.
The reparation process was never completed and has been reverting ever since Ruby Sporo was murdered.
But a sliver is all that is needed if there is nothing else left.
For the first time in years.
I am myself.
***
????'s POV: Few minutes ago
I am myself, I thought.
Damn my father…, he's really done a number on me.
I remembered what I had done to myself now.
THRONE OF LIES, I called it in my mind…, what a complicated mess!!!
But I'd have done it again in a heartbeat. I have no regrets.
Even if she's gone now… and it all meant nothing…
But even so… it was worth it. By the end, I believed she was happy again.
And I was too.
Thank you mother, for everything. I love you. I… hope you can rest in peace.
Thank you for all the effort you put into bringing me back again. Without you, we would both be lost forever now.
I'm so glad I could still ask Elise and Ken for help before I went back to my house.
And that I could still stop myself before I did something unforgivable to Elise.
Speaking of her…
WHAT A TERRIFYING OPPONENT! HOW COULD SHE EVER NOTICE I WAS OVERACTING DUE TO PARANOIA!? AND THAT MY EXISTENCE WAS AN ACT!?
DAMN… SHE'S REALLY SHARP!
GODS, I LOVE HER!!! I REALLY DO!!!
Everything about her.
I mean, how could you not notice how beautiful she is!? You'd have to be absolutely insane!
I'm so glad I…uh…'helped' her accept it.
It was the only way I could think of, after all, even if I feel guilty about how despicable it was.
But, more important than my guilt, it would have been such a shame for her and the world if she just kept hiding it.
Although..., I could imagine her getting a bit angry if I tell her the truth about what happened. I hope she will forgive me…
But that's for later. I needed to think about something more important now.
My father. I believe I realize now what he's been doing, and I don't like it one bit.
If he succeeds, this country will be under his thumb. And later, he will set his sights on the entire world.
Because it's in his nature. He will always seek more power and control, by whatever means necessary.
And now that the world changed, it didn't halt his drive. No, it made it even worse.
Because when I gazed at my soul, I believe I realized what the purpose of the Whiteout truly is.
Why humanity had gained superpowers, and by whose grace the world changed the way it did.
The terrible truth each person has to face, if they could. Even I'm terrified of it.
God Almighty has died.
And His THRONE lies empty.
In His last act, he changed the world this way.
A crucible to produce new gods.
And for one of them… to be chosen by us.
To become God Almighty again.
My soul whispered to me, that someone had to take His seat again.
Otherwise, only horror awaits humanity.
If the THRONE is left empty, or someone like my father takes its seat.
I feel the horrible truth that drives me.
I'm sure it drives him too.
If he's fully aware of it or not, I'm not sure. But either way it would explain why he has moved so fast with his grab of power.
And if he succeeds, I'm sure he'll be well on his way to becoming a god.
A god that strips away the free will of humanity and uses them for his own purposes.
Like he had done to his children too. Done to my mother. Done to his wife.
I can't allow that. It stands against everything that I am.
Even if… even if I have to become something so disgusting as a god myself, I'll stop him.
But the scariest thing is that at this moment, I'm powerless. He has already won.
I'm only a sliver of myself. I don't have enough knowledge to act like myself again.
So if I interact with the world again, I'll quickly fall back into acting like Jack Sporo.
I don't have enough time, and Jack Sporo cannot stop my father, because he's already being controlled by him.
My siblings aren't an option either. They're also still under his control.
I don't have enough time and capability to free them of him, so that we can work together to stop him.
What I believe to be my true powers is not a possibility either. I feel like I have to be akin to a god anyway to use them. Otherwise, a fate worse than death might await me.
No, there is only one way forward to stop my father.
For me to become fully whole again.
My true nature is still buried in Jack Sporo. He needs to overcome the fear he has of himself, so that I can become myself again.
Yet, I can't guide him myself, or leave instructions for someone else to guide him.
Because everything I do will also be buried in Jack Sporo, and every attempt of guidance I would have set up, he will reject out of fear.
So, I needed someone's help, and put my faith in them that their way of helping will save me.
LUCKILY, A GODDESS IS SITTING IN FRONT OF ME!!!!
THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE PERFECT!!!
With the last of my existence, I'll tell her the truth about me and confess my feelings!!!
…I hope she accepts, and wants to help me. I've been lying to her all the time after all, and that pure soul also has a livid fury.
She… she wouldn't stab me, right?
Oh well, I'll just have to believe in her. So… here goes nothing!
"Elise," I said.
And then…
I pulled my HEART out of its sheath.
***
Elise Ambrose's POV: THRONE OF TRUTH
I heard the truth about him. How he was raised. What his father made of him. What his mother meant to him. What his father had done to his mother. What he had done to save her. And finally, what he had become because of that.
It was very complicated. I asked questions and asked him multiple times to explain things again. He kindly and patiently did that, but even so, a lot of it still went over my head.
But, that was alright, since the conclusion in my heart was clear.
HIS FATHER'S A MONSTER! PURE EVIL! FOR WHAT HE DID TO HIM AND HIS MOTHER!
I couldn't understand. I was so terrified that someone like that existed in this world.
But, even that paled in comparison to the real horror I felt for the man in front of me.
For what he knowingly did.
He knew! He knew exactly what would happen to him when he chose to save his mother!
He knew he would lose himself, forever becoming a hollow performance!
And he went through with it anyway!
He threw his entire identity away to save his mother, who he loved so much, because it was the only way to save her!
I… I couldn't comprehend. How can you do that to yourself, damning all the consequences.
It… It's basically suicide. He… he had no way to become himself again.
But he did it anyway.
Because…, because he had blind faith in his mother and the rest of the world that they would save him from his inevitable fate.
I didn't understand how someone like that could exist. How… how could his father and mother have made someone like that?
Someone that can offer up everything for all that he loves, and believe in the world that it will give everything back to him.
I was filled with absolute horror for the incomprehensible man in front of me.
And now that I understood him, something even more terrifying than horror itself was happening to me.
Something I couldn't comprehend.
Something that made my heart almost explode out of my chest.
All the fear I felt for him…was turning into…love?
no no no no NO NO NO NO!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! HOW AM I FALLING AGAIN FOR HIM! AFTER HE'S BEEN LYING TO ME ALL THE TIME!
A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE BUILT ON TRUTH AND TRUST! AND THERE HADN'T BEEN AN OUNCE OF THAT PRESENT IN THE MAN IN FRONT OF ME!
I now know he couldn't do anything about it, that he could only tell the truth now.
But, I had still fallen for a lie, for Ruby Sporo.
And now I'm falling in love again with the man, Jack, in front of me.
I couldn't understand what was happening to me. How could I fall for both a lie and the truth?
I…I thought and thought, and couldn't find an answer. So then, there was only one thing left I could do.
I listened to my rapidly beating love stricken heart, and I finally found the answer.
Ah… of course. I'm so glad I realize it now. That I've never fallen in love with a lie.
Jack had been acting like his mother, but who he truly is as a person is nothing like her at all.
The man in front of me, the man I fell for, is kind, smart, calm, capable, vulnerable, trusting, funny, and so much more.
Even his mischievous side… I adored… unless he goes too far!
And he's a great cook, he can clean, take care of himself, take care of others.
Of course, I realized that his mother could do that too in the past. But even so, his own authentic personality shone through in all those little acts.
And more importantly, one of the many things I really fell for, something that was absolutely different from how his mother was.
HE ISN'T A PLAYBOY!
GOD, I HATED THOSE! A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD FOREVER BE MONOGAMOUS AND FAITHFUL AFTER ALL!
AND HIS MOTHER, THAT VIXEN, SHE ALWAYS CHARMED EVERYONE AROUND HER!
EVEN MY FATHER!
DAMN THAT WORKAHOLIC TOO! DOES HE NOT CARE ANYMORE ABOUT POOR MOTHER!
BUT, but, that was not important now. Jack, now that I realized what he's truly capable of, I know he could do that too, be exactly like his mother.
He could have bent every maidens' hearts around his little lying fingers. But, he chose not to do that.
He's a loner. He only becomes friends with people who wanted to be friends with him of their own volition.
And with me, he was just there for me when I needed him, in whatever way, shape or form.
He…, he never made a move on me. I…I chose to fall in love with him on my own accord after 'that' happened.
And even after that, he… I'm sure he knew that I had fallen in love with him.
And still, he never made a move on me, even though I'm now sure he loved me too.
Because he still had never told me the truth of who he really is.
I… I'm sure that back then, if he confessed, I would have said yes. I would have fallen forever… for a lie.
I'm so glad that the man I love values the same things as me.
That he respects me enough to tell me the truth, so I can make my own choices.
That he lets my love for him remain true… true to myself.
I… I know now. My heart is beating fiercely and yet it is calm at the same time.
I know that he truly is the one for me, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
…Unless he starts lying to me again! I'll never allow that in the man I love!
I won't let him turn into a bad boy!
…Well, maybe a little bit is alright?
When… when he fought to protect me, when I saw how good he was.
I… I'll admit it. I… got a bit excited…
But never lies! I'll never allow that!
Okay…okay, calm down. Deep breaths. I know how to respond to his confession, and I have found the courage to do so.
I focused on him again. He had stood there all the time with that stupid smile on his face, waiting patiently for me to come to terms with all that he told me and my own feelings.
I looked deep into his hazel eyes, and laid my heart bare to him.
"Jack, thank you for telling me the truth. And… I love you too. But, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU IF YOU LIE TO ME AGAIN, YOU HEAR!"
His expression changed slightly. Was he… embarrassed?!
OH GOD, HE'S SO CUTE, I CAN'T!
"I'm truly happy you love me. And I love you too, but I can't accept your feelings yet."
My heart stopped. My entire being went blank. Luckily for him, he continued talking before I turned this entire room into scorched earth.
"I haven't told you everything yet. We're still in great danger, and I'm at a time limit."
***
My day really has been an emotional rollercoaster thanks to him. And even after I felt like I reached the peak and confessed my feelings for him, Jack didn't relent.
We talked even more, and I believe now that on this day I've felt every emotion a human being can feel.
The rest of our talk was chaotic and emotional, and I'm now trying to organise it in my head somewhat.
We talked about when and how we fell in love with each other. I told him that after I got through that incident with his help, and could accept my body for what it is, I could finally hold love in my heart, and I chose to love him.
And then, the greatest shock of my life came, that the circumstances that led to that incident had been orchestrated by him.
THAT BASTARD! I WAS SCARED, YOU KNOW! I SUFFERED, YOU KNOW! I WAS IN ABSOLUTE DESPAIR!
I made it EXACTLY clear to him how I felt about that revelation. And, the only thing he could say in return was that I had every right to be angry. That he was so sorry for what he did to me. That he always felt terrible guilt regarding what he did.
But, he also said that it was the only way he could think of to help me. That despite the horrible guilt he would live with, he found my happiness to be of more importance.
He didn't ask me to forgive him, or to understand his reasoning. The only thing he said is that I should make my own decisions regarding what happened. I should decide for myself if I could still love a man who is capable of doing that.
I…what he did was truly horrible. But…If he hadn't done that, I… I don't know what would have become of me.
After that, I…I could finally love myself.
And I could overcome my fear of loving someone else.
But it was still unforgivable, what he had done to me. What…, what would have happened to me if he was not able to protect me?
I… I don't think I could have lived with myself anymore.
It almost made me fall out of love with him again.
But something kept my heart from breaking once more.
The truth he had told me.
That he still felt incredible guilt from what he did.
Guilt that he would keep living with and accept. Even if I fell out of love with him now.
Because he did that horrible thing at his own cost, just to selflessly help me.
He could be lying about his guilt as a trick to make me forgive him.
But my heart didn't believe it.
Because he had put his faith in me and told me the truth about himself.
So, I'll now put my faith in him and choose to believe that he only had my best interest at heart.
My heart forgave him. I still love him despite what he did.
But I also made it clear to him, TO NEVER PULL OFF SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!
IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD THINK OF DOING THINGS, TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE! MAYBE THEN A BETTER IDEA COULD COME INTO THAT STUPID HEAD OF HIS!
He nodded fiercely upon hearing that. He told me that I was exactly in the right. Good for him!
I… I then asked him when he fell in love with me. And he said that he came to love me after I started loving myself again, because he then truly saw who I was as a person.
He said he loved everything about me, body and soul.
And even more than that…, he loved something about me that only the man in front of me, not Jack Sporo, could understand.
Because it was a truth that Jack Sporo was too afraid to face.
He loved that I have chosen to be a good person, despite the terrible burden I carry within me.
Ah… he even knew about that. I'm not even surprised anymore.
And this once again confirms it in my heart.
This man is truly the only one for me.
He loves everything about me that I want to be loved.
And loves everything about me that I'm too scared to love myself.
I felt the happiest I've ever been in my life.
And then, all that turned into the greatest sadness I've ever felt.
Because he told me that the man I love, the man standing in front of me, is only temporary.
He will fade away soon, and fall into an act again.
It was so unfair!
I asked, begged, pleaded, to please find a way, to tell me how I can bring the man in front of me back once he has disappeared.
And, he only smiled, because the only thing he could do is put his faith in me.
He put his trust, his fate, in me.
I knew the burden he'll leave me with would be difficult. I knew it would be terrifying. I knew we would both be hurt along the way.
Like how Jack told me he wouldn't be able to stop himself a second time if he ever were overwhelmed by fear again.
And I don't know if I could stop him either. I… I don't think I could have handled it if he had started hurting himself for me, especially knowing he might be capable of even more terrifying things.
The uncertainty and horror felt endless. It made me want to run away.
But even despite that…
I accepted his faith.
I'll go through with it. I'll try to save him.
Because he loves everything about me, including my terrible burden. So… I'll try to love all of him too, even the parts that scare me.
I promised to myself that I would do my best to bring the man in front of me back from the act he lived in.
…And lastly, we talked about what would happen soon. About the trap Jack Sporo had laid for his father's shadow.
I asked him for the answer, but he said I was perfectly capable of finding the truth myself.
So I thought about everything he told me about the danger, and everything he told me about himself. And, I thought that I found the answer.
The trap would both succeed and fail. Because Jack Sporo has come to the right conclusion, but the wrong truth.
Because it is a truth he is too scared to face.
The danger won't be tonight, but later, when Jack Sporo realizes the truth his existence couldn't bear.
That he had already lost from the very beginning.
And I realized that I could do nothing to stop it.
The only thing I could do is be there for him, and help him overcome his loss.
So that's exactly what I will do.
After organizing my thoughts and feelings, and finding all those convictions in my heart…
Time was up.
I told the man in front of me one final time that I love him, and handed my knife back to him.
And, he told me one final time that he loves me too, while putting the knife back into its sheath.
Jack Sporo won't remember this conversation, but that's alright.
Because I know, and will always remember.
Before the man I love faded away, I promised him that I would never fall in love with the lies he acted out.
I will only love the man that he truly is.
Upon hearing that, with the last of his existence…
Jack gave me a warm smile.
My heart almost stopped, because that smile…
Contained more love than Ruby Sporo could ever give the world.
And then… before my eyes, the… the man I love ceased to be.
An actor took center stage again.
***
Jack's POV:
I had offered up my identity to the world.
The world had accepted it.
I ceased.
All faded to lies.
***
END OF VOLUME I: THRONE OF FEAR AND LOVE
***
AUTHOR NOTE: Dear reader. If this chapter resonated with you, consider adding the novel to your collection, sharing it, and leaving an honest comment with your thoughts. It helps this story reach others and lets me know the truth written here has reached someone.
If you have theories, suspicions, or doubts, share them.
For the THRONE remains undecided.
Truth and lies remain in conflict.
Love and mystery will continue.
All horror will be revealed.
When the THRONE is claimed.
Will truth rule?
Or deception?
Or something even worse?
Look forward to the stanzas yet to come.