A loud rumble rang through the air outside. Rain bucketed down the roof intensely. Inside the kitchen, it brought chills along with it
The apartment was dead-silent except for the rain and the faint hum of the refrigerator.
A warm cup with half-finished milk tea rested in June's hands. Her phone was pressed tightly against her ear.
"June… are you still there? Did you hang up? Jun..."
"Kay," June cut in.
A sharp breath on the other end. "Thank goodness. You scared the shit out of me." Then softer. "Hey… I'm here. Please talk to me. Okay?"
June let out a heavy sigh.
"I want to hate him," she said. "But I can't find a reason to. I want to remember only the bad parts… but only the good memories show up." Her voice wavered. "I've tried to pull myself up, but everything keeps crushing down on me. It's so heavy I can't… I can't get up again."
A shaky laugh escaped her. "Hah… so much for trying to be strong."
Outside the rain intensified, hammering harder against the roof.
Keighley didn't answer immediately.
The silence felt dangerous and heavy. Like she had said way more than she was supposed to.
"Kay, I'm sorry," June whispered. "I shouldn't have said all that."
"June," Keighley said, steady now. "I'm coming over."
"No, don't—"
"June. You can't talk me out of this... like seriously!"
June heard keys clatter. A door opening. Then the call went dead.
Keighley had hung up.
The spoon resting on the edge of her cup slipped and crashed to the floor, the sharp clatter echoing through the apartment.
June flinched.
When she bent to retrieve it and spotted a notebook coated with a thin layer of dust beneath the table.
Her long lost teal notebook.
She picked it up, brushing the dust away with her palm Then flipped quickly through the pages smiling at the sight of her notes until one stopped her.
In the margin, Ryan had drawn a small smiley sun.
Next to it, he had scribbled : blue~Ryan~mine.
Her chest tightened. As she traced the smiley face sun on the page. The room behind her faded, replaced by campus. Compound. Under a large tree which had become a usually hang out spot.
June had an upcoming exam and was studying intensely. The campus was quieter than usual, students scattered in small study groups or lounged under the trees. June had taken up residence at their favorite bench, her books spread all over the table.
Ryan sat beside her, phone in hand, watching videos. She could feel his attention drift from the screen to her. Every time her brows furrowed as she scribbled in her notebook, every time she pressed her lips together and sighed, she caught him looking. And each time, there was that small smile on his face, soft and unguarded, like he didn't realize he was doing it.
June finally turned up to him and turned, a new expression settling on her face. Part challenge, part irritated.
"You're doing the same major as me," she said, half-teasing, half-annoyed. "This passes as early research. So help me study instead of staring."
Ryan feigned offense. "Hey! I'm researching too… on my phone."
A cat meowed in one of his videos, breaking whatever seriousness he tried to show. He quickly turned it off.
June snorted. "Your research involves kittens." She shoved a notebook toward him.
He hesitated, then moved closer. "Okay, what do I do, Blue?"
"Read me some of the notes so I can try to memorise them," June replied, not noticing him so close.
"Fine by me," Ryan said and leaned over. He read passages aloud while June worked on her notes. He occasionally paused to ask her questions. Gradually, June found herself leaning closer than necessary, eyes bright despite exhaustion.
Hours passed. Eventually, June's eyelids grew heavy, and she drifted off mid-sentence, her head leaning on her books.
Through her tired eyes, she saw a small grin spreading across his face.
Then he leaned closer, his voice dropping into a whisper.
"Wow… so this is what you look like when you sleep. Peaceful. Kind of cute, actually."
June heard every word.
Her heart stuttered, but she didn't open her eyes. Didn't move.
She stayed asleep on purpose. It felt safer that way. She wanted to let the moment exist.
By the time he pulled away, her breathing had evened out for real, and sleep finally took her.
Minutes later, June woke to the sound of papers shuffling. She rubbed her eyes and saw Ryan going through her notes, arranging them neatly. Sticknotes marked key points, and summaries written in neat, precise handwriting.
"Why didn't you wake me?" June asked, her voice hoarse from sleep.
Ryan looked up, smiling. "Here," he said, handing her notebook. "Check it."
June scuffled through the pages, amazed at how much easier it was to understand.
"You… did all this?" she asked, her eyes shimmering with excitement.
Ryan smirked, eyes bright but tired. "I figured you'd understand better if your notes were… organized."
June looked down at the neat pages, her heart softening. "I… I don't know what to say."
Ryan shrugged, exhaustion evident in the slump of his shoulders. Yet his expression held contentment, a quiet pride.
"A thank you… and also hanging out more with me," he said gently. "I like… I like being around you, Blue."
June softly gazed at him. Her heart pounding against her ribs so loudly. She opened her mouth but no sound came.
Ryan just smiled, picking up a pen to add a tiny doodle at the corner of one of her pages ... a little sun with a wide smile.
"Dexter helped too… he said your notes were very disorganized."
"Dexter… you guys... thank you… the both of you," June whispered.
She then leaned back, trying to focus on the neatly organized notes, but her mind kept drifting to Ryan beside her. He was still crouched over the table, back on his phone.
The way his eyes were focused on the screen, his little smile… it made her stomach flutter.
Ryan returned a look. "June, shouldn't you be studying now?"
June's cheeks warmed. She noticed how he lingered a moment longer than necessary when he looked at her, and for some reason, that made her heart race.
Ryan's grin widened slightly. "You know… you're kind of adorable when you're flustered," he said, teasing but gentle, back to his phone to hide his smile.
"I… um…" She quickly turned, trying to focus on a page, but her gaze kept flicking to him, his soft smile, the way his eyes shimmered when he noticed her looking.
He chuckled softly, holding up a hand. "Relax, I'm just saying. It's cute."
She froze, heart hammering against her ribs. She subtly moved her notebook between them, as if it could protect her.
Ryan noticed, eyes twinkling. "Blue… what is that supposed to be?"
June's throat tightened. "Don't cross that book," she whispered.
He leaned just a fraction closer, careful not to cross the line, like he was daring her.
After a moment, Ryan leaned back with a satisfied smirk.
"Alright, I'll let you be… for now," he said softly, but June sensed there was more in what wasn't said.
Finally, exam day came. June had spent hours inside, and now she stepped out into the sunlight, chest bubbling with relief. She knew she had done well.
Dexter emerged a few steps behind, brushing his coils back. He looked at her and gave a small smile. "You look… happy."
June nodded, grinning, but her eyes were already scanning for Ryan. He leaned against a wall, phone in hand. She didn't think, she ran straight at him, arms wrapping around his waist.
For a moment, her heartbeat thundered, and she realized it wasn't just hers. It felt like it synced with his. Her cheeks flamed.
Ryan's arms moved to hug her properly, but nerves took over. She pulled back, awkward, flustered… and in a split second, hugged Dexter as well.
Dexter froze. June could feel his pause, the tiny twitch of surprise in his shoulders.
Ryan's hands hovered mid-air, caught in a moment she couldn't read. She focused back on him, trying not to overthink, but her heart was still racing.
They all laughed. She couldn't tell if it was at her or with her.
Ryan's grin widened, he muttered something she barely caught: "Strange girl."
Dexter looked away, a little smile tugging at his lips.
Suddenly desperate to disappear, June spotted Keighley. She sprinted toward her, cheeks warm, thoughts tangled. Ryan's heartbeat replayed in her mind, over and over.
For the first time, she realized how much her feelings had bubbled up how badly she wanted to stay close to him, and how hard it was becoming to hide it.
A small, uneasy thought pricked at her.
Like a warning.
Dear diary,
Everything keeps pulling me back there… to the time he smiled at me, how loud his heart felt, the way mine… seemed to act on its own. I can't stop replaying it, over and over. I wonder sometimes if he ever truly felt the same. And yet… he still hurt me.
I tell myself I should move on, that it's over. But my mind… it won't let him go. Not yet.
~ June