Chapter 33: The Shark Sword and the Indigestible Leotard part-1
(Rock at 2 o'clock. Root at 4 o'clock. Safe. Safe. Safe.)
"So, Hinata," Jiraiya slowed down to walk beside me. "About that move you used on Neji. The 'moan'. Can you teach me the vocal modulation? I need to get the phonetics right for Volume Three."
I turned bright red. "L-Lord Jiraiya! Please! That was... a medical reaction!"
"Sure, sure," he winked. "And the foam jutsu? Was that medical too?"
"That was bunnies," I whispered miserably.
We walked until sunset, arriving at a small town called Shukuba. It was a bustling place, filled with hotels and casinos.
"Alright!" Jiraiya announced, stopping in front of a hotel. "We stay here tonight. I have... business to attend to. Research business."
He looked at Naruto and me. "I booked one room for you two. To save money."
My brain halted.
(One room. Me and Naruto. Alone. In a room. With a bed.)
[System Alert: Scenario "The One-Bed Trope" Detected. Romance Anime Cliché #1. Danger Level: Severe Heart Palpitations.]
"What?!" Naruto yelled. "Pervy Sage! You can't put me in a room with a girl! It's... it's uncool!"
"Relax," Jiraiya waved his hand. "It has two beds. Probably. Just stay put and don't open the door for strangers."
He tossed Naruto a key and vanished into the crowd, chasing after a pretty woman in a kimono.
............…
The room was small. It did have two beds, thankfully. Naruto threw his backpack on one.
"Man, he is the worst," Naruto grumbled, flopping onto the mattress. "Leaving us here while he goes to have fun."
I stood by the door, clutching my bag. I was afraid to move. If I moved, I might trip and destroy the lamp. Or the window. Or fall onto Naruto.
"I... I will just sit here," I said, sitting on the very edge of the other bed.
"You hungry?" Naruto asked, sitting up. "I think I saw a dango shop downstairs."
Knock. Knock.
A heavy knock echoed on the door.
"Is that Pervy Sage back already?" Naruto frowned. He jumped up and walked to the door.
"Wait, Naruto-kun," I whispered. My "Coffee Table Sense" was tingling, but it wasn't detecting furniture. It was detecting... menace. Cold, sharp menace.
Naruto opened the door.
Standing in the hallway were two men in black cloaks with red clouds. One was tall and muscular with blue skin and a massive bandaged sword on his back. The other was smaller, with dark hair and eyes that looked like blood-red pinwheels.
Kisame Hoshigaki. Itachi Uchiha.
The air in the room instantly became heavy, as if gravity had increased tenfold.
"Naruto Uzumaki," the man with the Sharingan said calmly. "We have come for you."
Naruto froze. "Who are you guys?"
"And who is the girl?" the blue-skinned man, Kisame, grinned, showing rows of jagged shark teeth. "A girlfriend? She looks... fragile."
My knees knocked together.
(Itachi. That is Sasuke's brother. The one who killed everyone. And Kisame... he looks like a shark that walked out of the ocean and decided to start lifting weights.)
"We should take his legs," Kisame suggested casually, reaching for the handle of his massive sword. "So he cannot run."
"Run, Naruto!" I squeaked.
"I'm not running!" Naruto yelled. But he was shaking. The killing intent rolling off Itachi was paralyzing.
Suddenly, a blur of motion appeared in the hallway.
"ITACHI!"
Sasuke Uchiha burst onto the scene. He looked deranged, his eyes spinning with hatred. "I will kill you!"
"Sasuke?" Naruto gasped.
Sasuke charged. "Chidori!"
Lightning chirped in his hand. He thrust it at Itachi.
Itachi didn't even blink. He grabbed Sasuke's wrist. He snapped it.
Crack.
"You are weak," Itachi whispered. "Why are you weak? Because you lack hatred."
He kicked Sasuke into the wall. Then he punched him in the gut. Sasuke collapsed, vomiting blood.
"Sasuke!" Naruto screamed. He tried to summon chakra. "You bastard!"
Kisame stepped forward. "I will handle the Nine-Tails brat. Samehada is hungry."
He swung the massive bandaged sword. It wasn't a sharp blade; it was covered in scales designed to shred flesh and eat chakra.
"Naruto-kun!"
I couldn't just watch. I moved.
[System Alert: Boss Battle. Duo: Itachi & Kisame. Winning Probability: 0%. Survival Probability: Minimal. Recommended Action: Do something weird.]
"Bunny Fists!" I shouted.
I jumped between Naruto and Kisame. My hands glowed with the fluffy chakra bunnies.
Kisame laughed. "What is that? Cotton candy?"
He swung Samehada down on me. The sword was huge. It was going to crush me.
I raised my arms to block.
Samehada connected with my arms.
Normally, the sword would eat the chakra and shred the skin.
However, two things happened simultaneously.
The Indestructible Leotard: I was wearing it under my clothes. Samehada's scales tried to shred my sleeves. My jacket ripped, but the Leotard beneath was made of plot armor material. It did not tear.The Bunny Foam: Samehada loved chakra. It opened its mouth (yes, the sword had a mouth) to eat my Bunny Fists.
CHOMP.
The sword bit down on my chakra bunnies.
But my chakra wasn't normal chakra. It was the "Clumsy Variant" foam. It was basically high-pressure chakra soap.
Samehada swallowed the foam.
Gurgle.
The sword froze mid-swing. It started to vibrate.
"Samehada?" Kisame frowned. "What is wrong?"
BUB-UB-UB-UB.
The sword let out a sound like a washing machine on the spin cycle. White bubbles started leaking out from under its bandages.
Samehada didn't like the taste of soap. It shrieked. A high-pitched, metallic screech.
The sword writhed in Kisame's hands. It was slippery. It was frothing.
"It... it is spitting up?" Kisame looked horrified. "You poisoned my sword with... bubbles?"
[Ding!]
[Critical Effect: "Brain Freeze." You fed the sentient sword something inedible.]
[Achievement: "Shark Repellent." You made a sword nauseous.]
I took the opening.
"Naruto, run!" I yelled.
I tried to push Kisame back. I stepped forward.
[System Alert: Coffee Table Sense detects... nothing. But the floor is wet with sword drool.]
I slipped.
My foot shot out.
"Wah!"
.....
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