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Chapter 19 Part 1 Forgiveness
Night had fallen. Qi switched on the lamp at Mother's bedside. In the soft light, her features were stunningly beautiful. He gazed for a long time, then gently woke her out of pity.
Seeing the steaming bowl of rice porridge, Mother looked incredulous. Finally she smiled at him: "You really have grown up you're even cooking for Mom now."
Qi quickly ladled a spoonful to offer her, but Mother waved him off. "Alright, Mom can eat on her own don't get all fussy…" She took the bowl and spoon, giving him a fleeting glance.
That look nearly stopped Qi's heart. He'd never known just how alluring his mother's eyes could be. "No wonder those men put in so much effort for her… If it were me, I'd be willing to die for Mom." But perhaps it was just an involuntary expression revealed as she relaxed.
In thirteen years, it was the first time he saw such an expression directed at him. Maybe in childhood he had, but a young child couldn't possibly grasp its meaning.
Only in the last couple years had Qi really noticed Mother's beauty. Before, she was only an image of loving care; now, he had developed the eye to appreciate a woman's appearance.
Mother finished the congee, Qi took the dishes to wash. She called after him: "You should eat too… then come sit here Mom has something to say."
Qi did not eat himself, just quickly scrubbed the dishes and returned to the bedroom.
Mother patted the edge of the bed for him to sit; he did. "You saw everything last night," she said quietly, eyes down.
Qi nodded; some things don't need to be spelled out.
"Do you hate Mom now?" She couldn't face her son, staring only at the sheets.
"A bit…" He hadn't really wanted to say that his actual feelings were more indifferent. Even when he'd seen her with the coat-man in the park and with Uncle Jun in the hospital, he hadn't felt hatred, just a bit of resentment at the secrecy. But being a dutiful son demanded he answer differently.
"Mom's just a normal woman, and has certain needs…" Mother paused, knowing Qi had read enough to have some understanding of sex and relationships. She was probing for forgiveness.
"Dad and Uncle Jun aren't enough? Oh, sorry, Mom!" Qi caught himself and deeply regretted his slip.
Mother did not seem surprised to hear about Dad, but mentioning Xu Tiejun (Uncle Jun) clearly startled her.
Xu Tiejun wasn't among the two men last night Qi actually knew about Mother's affair with him as well.
She was a bit dazed. "So you knew about me and Uncle Jun too? Seems you know a lot… Since that's the case, Mom won't hide anything anymore."
She thought for a while, organizing her words. "Your dad's been busy with work for years never any time for Mom. Comes home, just sleeps, maybe checks on you, then back to work. Mom gets lonely…"
"…Lonely?" In Qi's mind flashed the text from the unknown woman about loneliness.
"So Mom couldn't help but secretly find lovers. Your Uncle Jun was one… but he knows your dad and has a family too. There's an agreement never disrupt our own homes. He's also very busy; sometimes we don't meet for whole years. Sometimes Mom really can't help it, so I go out to find…" She hesitated, bit her lip, and forced herself to continue.
"…some guys. But Mom never got involved too deeply with those men. Just casual flings, really."
"A one-night stand?" Qi asked, head lowered.
"That's what people call it now," Mother muttered as if to herself.
"If those two men were buying you a phone, doesn't that mean more than one night? 'Friends with benefits', right?" Qi asked.
Mother sneered. "That was arranged on Momo. I have my own phone asking for theirs is just to avoid being pestered… After meeting, I toss it in the trash. They're both useless… neither could measure up…" Suddenly aware of her own words, she stopped, embarrassed, head bowed.
An awkward silence filled the room. Mother grew more despondent. Qi bit his lip, deciding not to torment her further.
"Mom, you're my mother. No matter what you do, there's one thing that never changes: you're my Mom. As your son, I have no right and no need to interfere in your private life. If you truly need this kind of thing, I'll just pretend I don't know. I won't say anything to Dad besides," he paused, "besides, Dad has done some things that aren't entirely right toward you either."
He jumped up to leave the air had turned too oppressive.
Just as he moved, Mother spoke softly: "I won't go out anymore. After these years, I've always felt guilty about you. Now that you know, how could I keep doing it?"
Qi stopped short.
Mother went on: "Don't bother telling me about your Dad I know everything. I've never blamed him… In fact, he's probably suffered more than me. If you're able to forgive Mom, then please forgive Dad too."
Qi turned, shocked he hadn't thought she'd know about Dad's affairs, let alone excuse him.
Still looking at the ceiling, Mother continued dreamily: "Your dad loved another woman… but my father forced us to marry. Your dad isn't like you he's filial, always obeyed his father's wishes. So even though he didn't want to, he married me."
"But why?" Qi had never known his parents' marriage had such a backstory and pressed for details.
"Because someone thought my face was prettier than hers, so your grandfather insisted your dad marry me. Anyway… Mom's said too much already I'm tired. Qi, I'm so happy you can forgive Mom. There are things I'd like to think over alone. You should rest too."
Her words reminded Qi of the Daoist priest's offhand comment: "I guess when your father married your mother, it was a calculated move." It had been spot on!
Mother lay down, looking wan. On impulse, Qi went to her, bent and softly kissed her lips. Mother's eyes widened with shock before she could even react, and he darted from the room.
"Goodnight, Mom!" he called as he closed the door.
Mother stared blankly at the closed door, then laughed. "That little brat already learned how to charm a woman! Must have a girlfriend!"
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