Sometimes things unfold in ways I never wanted.
"All right, then—let the mock battle between the Bishop and the now-retired Captain Son begin!"
Cheers!
All around me I hear cheers, and there's my wife snacking alongside Kiana, Senior Raiden Mei, the class president, Wendy, and the rest of the St. Freya Academy crew.
Then there are the former Anti-Entropy members: Jere, Rosalia, Lillia, Shin, Mr. Kukuria, Welt Yang, Dr. Einstein, Dr. Tesla, Schrödinger, and the others.
Bianca, Rita, Arbit, and Stan of the former Immortal Blade, and Amber, So Sang, Elizabeth Mark Smith, Nagamitsu, and the rest of the House of Apocalypse.
My dad, my mom, Siegfried Kaslana, Cecilia Schariac, Raiden Ryoma, and the other parents are all there in the stands.
I watch those in the stands and think back to what happened yesterday.
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...
Seeing my genuine smile had slipped out by accident and completely vanished from her face, I quickly reached out, wearing a serious expression, and said.
"No, there's more to it."
"You think I'm just going to listen?"
"In the parallel world, Auntie, you grew up into your twenties."
At my words, Auntie stopped moving.
"…Really?"
"Yes. So if you spare me, I'll tell you the method."
"If you don't tell me right now, I'll come in, throw you out the still-open window, then fire a [Theresa Beam: Secret Art – Starlight Shatter] at you."
She said it with a mischievous grin, and feeling I should stop teasing her, I told the truth.
"They say you'll mature after ten thousand years."
"…Is that all?"
"Yes, that's it. So will you spare me?"
"All right, I'll spare you."
Whew~
"Either way, it's non-lethal, so you won't die."
"Tsk, did I fail?"
"Failure? What failure!"
"But it's too late, Auntie. Do you know why I've changed into this kneeling stance? It's to generate thrust!"
"Thrust?"
"This is [Joestar Family Secret Technique: The Great Escape]!"
Using the trump card of my clan—the maneuver marked by the star emblem on my shoulder—I bolted from the house.
However, I couldn't actually escape and ended up getting caught… because the Air Force came after me for violating airspace law.
"If you give me a mock battle, I'll help you get released."
"…Are you serious?"
My Auntie who appeared to secure my release set the condition that I'd have to do a mock battle once, and if not, I'd have to find my own way out of jail, so I had no choice but to agree.
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...
"Hello, everyone! I'm the mascot from Hyperion hosting the show, Ai-chan!"
Wait, how did you even get here without Hyperion?
"And we also have another host here: Susannah, who's been working as a 'Neutuber' lately!"
"Wow~ Being invited to an event like this… it's an honor for my family!"
"Oh? Is it that big a deal?"
Ai-chan looked flustered, probably not expecting someone to say 'it's an honor for my family,' but she quickly regained her composure like a pro.
"This match pits the Bishop of the House of Apocalypse—now retired from the front lines—against Theresa, the former S-rank Valkyrie, and the Captain, the hero who saved the world from collapse!"
"I'm already looking forward to it! Seeing Theresa jump into the front lines herself is a real rarity, let me tell you."
"Yes, as Susannah said, seeing Theresa take the front lines in person is a rare sight. Yet it's also curious how most people who witnessed that battle somehow went into a panic, right, Susannah?"
"That's right! I heard it's an heirloom left behind by the former Bishop. Those who saw her use it shouted things like, 'Pink... pink!' 'Non-lethal isn't be-sassally!' and 'White Devil, the Dark Lord's reincarnation!'"
Wait, hold on. What did she just say?
Are they seriously claiming it's her actual reincarnation now?
"Come to think of it, after Theresa began using that weapon, her students would sometimes have what they call 'IYAGI' fits, and they'd convulse. That might be related to what you mentioned, Susannah!"
"I also heard that Siegfried Kaslana once had a mock battle with Theresa, and she used that weapon then as well!"
"Shall we switch to Siegfried Kaslana now and hear what he has to say?"
"Yes! There he is just over there—!"
Siegfried's image appeared on screen, and his panic-stricken expression froze both Susannah and Ai-chan in their tracks.
"Pink is terrifying! White is terrifying! Pink is terrifying! White is terrifying! Non-lethal isn't be-sassally! Pink is terrifying..."
"Siegfried?! Get it together, Siegfried!"
He hung his head so his eyes were hidden, hands clasped, his wrists pressed to his knees as they trembled, and I broke out in a cold sweat.
No way... Even if he'd used it, someone who's a powerhouse in this universe wouldn't end up like that, right?!
Unlike the original, he has both arms intact, and his combat strength shouldn't be any less impressive.
And with Schamash in his arsenal, he shouldn't have been outmatched even by that.
And yet, despite all that, he wound up like that?
"So, shall we begin?"
But the moment I saw Auntie step out, I couldn't help but let out an 'Ah!' of realization.
No, I was forcibly made to realize everything.
"We're screwed here."
Cartridge, you've gone too far.
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