"Damn it... When exactly did my life start falling apart?"
Looking into the mirror, I see a failure…
Someone who once had a path to success, until fate tore it away.
The dark circles under my eyes had become permanent at this point.
Messy hair, unshaven face… I looked older than I actually was.
When did I start looking like this?
I used to care… at least a little.
Now?
I couldn't even find the energy to pretend.
A 27-year-old unmarried virgin staying in an apartment that could be called a rat hole.
It had a single bed,
A table,
and a common bathroom.
Why? Because I lost my job.
...
What is my name?
That doesn't matter. In this limitless cosmos, I am but a speck of dust.
Studied at a good college and got my Master's in Computer Science,
with AI and Machine Learning as my specialization.
Joined the first company that took me in. At that time, I thought.
"What could go wrong?"
If I had an option to tell the old me, then I would have said 'Everything'.
Like how
Long and strict work hours were
Like how the boss didn't care about anything and blamed every failure on the employees.
Like how
No planning, like no prediction for the future, leads to existing clients going away.
The 'typical'.
I don't know how I stayed there as a software developer for 5 years.
I still remember my first day.
Clean clothes. Confident smile.
Dreams that actually felt within reach.
I thought that was the beginning of something big.
…Turns out, it was the beginning of a slow fall.
One day, it all ended when my manager finally kicked me out.
The reason?
I still don't know. He never told me. It came without a warning.
I always did everything that was required of me and even helped other teams with their work when it got harder or when work went without a plan.
After leaving the company without any growth to show on paper, I was stuck.
Gone through hundreds of interviews.
I kept applying for one job after another.
I was like:
"Why the fuck are you guys giving job opportunities you really don't want to give away… Why the fuck are there 10,000 opportunities for the same job,
and none of them wanted me?... Fuck Fuck!!"
As I got angry, I went for a walk.
A normal walk to clear my mind.
As I was walking along the road,
I saw kids going back home from school, and people buying groceries for dinner.
Lovers kissing.
'Get a room, you fuckers…
Why the fuck are you doing this in public?
To show off?...
To me, the virgin who didn't even kiss?
At this point, I would die a virgin!!'
At that time, I didn't think it was going to be true.
When I was crossing the road.
My mind was still somewhere else.
Not on the road.Not on the people around me.
Just… lost.
"Hey! Watch the road!"
A man yelled at me from across the road. And here it was.
I turned my head.
Too late.
A horn screamed.
Bright headlights blinded me.
And then—
A bus rushed toward me.
Too fast.
Too close.
The driver slammed the horn—
But it was already too late.
But unfortunately, that bus never reached its destination on time.
Why? Because of me.
Lying down bloodied on the ground, it's me…
Yeah… I don't think I need to explain what just happened.
I think most of my bones are broken.
I will never get to know if it is correct or not.
Fading consciousness, my eyes are slowly getting darker.
The noise around me started fading.Voices became distant…
Like they didn't belong to my world anymore.
Cold.
That was the only thing I could feel.
And
There is only one thing on my mind.
'Fuck!
...
This is how it's gonna end?
...
Without achieving anything?
...
All that time… and this is how I end?
....
What about my Computer history?'
If there is a next time...
I will look much more deeply into job hunting.
I won't join the first company I get in.
Maybe next time I will have a car, and this won't happen.
As the people got near me, I lost vision for the last time.
My consciousness finally faded.
And then my heart beat for the last time.
…
…
…
It was all white…
Everything near me and far away…
Everything was white.
"What happened to me?"
"Why am I seeing this?"
"Yeah, I remember I got hit by a bus."
"I died."
"Then why am I still here?"
"What is this place?"
Everything around me was clad in white.
In this endless world, I walked.
Seconds turned into minutes…
Minutes into hours…
Hours into something I could no longer measure.
"Why am I still walking?"
"I'm dead, right…? Is this heaven?"
"That can't be. I wasn't a bad person… but I wasn't good either."
"Then what is this…? Or was this punishment?"
There was no fatigue. No hunger. No end.
Only silence.
Looking back… my life wasn't that bad.
I had a loving family.
Friends I could rely on.
Moments that actually mattered.
And yet… I let everything slip away.
Day after day, I returned home lost…
Stressed…
Too tired to even talk to the people who cared about me.
I didn't want them to see me like that.
A failed son.
A useless friend.
Five years of struggle…
And nothing to show for it.
…Do they know?
Did they cry?
Maybe if there is a next life
I would love to be with my family and friends as much as possible.
Dying without saying the final 'I love you', 'Thank you', 'I'm sorry'…
Without even a 'goodbye'…
Yeah, that part hurts the most.
More than the pain…more than the fear…
It was the regret that stayed.
But again...
They will understand, I was never a bad son nor bad friend to any of them.
"Forget the depressing part, why the fuck am I still walking?"
"Is there no end to this?"
I don't know how much I walked...
I don't know how much time I spent.
One thing is sure: there is no possible end to this.
No matter how long I walked… nothing changed.
Only white.
Endless white.
...
"Hey! Gods, this is not funny.
Send me to heaven or hell,
This white space is giving me a headache."
"Do they exist in the first place?"
...
For the first time since I got here…
something felt different.
Then… everything stopped.
The world trembled.
For the first time since arriving here… something changed.
Then I heard it.
A voice, a sweet melodic voice,
One that calms your mind and excites you at the same time.
Each word flew like honey, resonating within me.
Yet powerful enough to shake my soul.
"My Sweet child"