Rue Bennett
We were at Kat's. Jordan was at home.
Last round. Finale. The whole competition had been building to tonight and we were watching it from Kat's bedroom with the laptop on her desk and the volume up and too many bodies in a room that wasn't built for this many people.
Maddy was there.
I'd been watching her for a few weeks now. trying to figure out if what I think is happening is actually happening. She'd been showing up to these streams more than she needed to. Coming around more in general. And when Jordan's name came up in conversation she had this thing she did, this tiny recalibration, like she was making sure her face was doing the right thing before anyone could clock what it was doing naturally.
Maddy had a crush on my brother.
She would never say that. Not to me, not to Cassie, not to herself at two in the morning when those things tend to surface. Maddy doesn't do that. She'd rather decide she doesn't feel something than sit with the feeling and figure out what it means. So I watched it and said nothing and waited to see what she was going to do with it.
His opponent went first. A girl with a clear voice and a song about growing up without being loved right. It was good. Really good. The room went quiet for it. Even BB stopped moving. The kind of quiet that happens when something true is being said out loud and everyone in the room can feel it even if it's not their truth.
Then the host announced Jordan and I sat up before I could stop myself.
His face came up on the stream. Same as always. Settled. Like whatever was about to happen was already done inside him and this was just the part where other people got to see it.
The beat came in. Something warm. Easy. Not what I expected.
And then he sang.
Not rapped. Sang.
I heard Kat make a sound next to me. Soft. Like something caught in her throat. I didn't look at her. I was already looking at Maddy.
* * *
Your eyes, like the sunshine on my face
It's a good night, how your smell's nice on my pillowcase
Maddy went still.
Not tense. Still. There's a difference. Tense is bracing for something. Still is when something has already reached you and you haven't decided what to do about it yet.
And I light all up when I see you walking by
I know that life ain't perfect but you make it alright
I was thinking about Jordan in his room right now. What he looked like sitting in front of his setup, singing this, alone. Whether he'd practiced it a hundred times or whether it was coming out of him the same way he built his beats, by instinct, trusting himself to find it.
I know that life ain't perfect but you make it alright.
That's a real thing to say. That's not a flex. That's not showing out. That's just someone telling another person exactly what they mean, out loud, on camera, in the finale of a competition. Jordan has never once struck me as someone who does things he doesn't mean. Which means he means this. Which means somewhere there is a person this song is for and they may or may not be watching right now and either way he said it.
Oh, I see you coming
Got my heart jumping like Jordans
Play me like Spalding, do it all for me
Girl, you're the vision of what I like
And I promise I'll be yours
BB whispered oh my god so quietly it was almost nothing. Nobody shushed her. I don't think anyone heard her except me.
I looked at Maddy again. She had her arms crossed but not tight
Tell me your joys and your problems
I'll be more than the man for you
I'll be your friend
I'll be your friend.
That's the line that got me. Not the romantic parts. That one. Because Jordan means it in a way that most people don't when they say it. He shows up. He's shown up for me, in ways I don't always say out loud. And the idea of him saying that to someone, saying I'll be more than what you need, I'll also just be the person who's there, and meaning every word of it, that's the line.
Call me, I'll be right away
(I'll be there, girl, stay right there)
Tell me if you're gonna stay down
(Will you stay down?)
I'll be waiting night and day
(I'll be waiting night and day)
But only if you're gonna stay down
(Stay down, stay down)
The chorus sat in the room heavy.
Only if you're gonna stay down. He's not begging. He's not desperate. He's just saying: I'm all the way in, but I need to know you are too. Tell me if you're going to be here. I'll wait. But only if you're actually going to be here.
That's Jordan's whole thing. He gives a lot but he doesn't give it to people who aren't going to stay. He's always known the difference.
Maddy uncrossed her arms.
I noticed. I don't think she did.
* * *
Your lips feel like sweet silk on my skin
And fate's real, it's a great feelin' how you suck me in
(Oh, you suck me in).
And I tossed all my fears to the wind when I touched your hand
And I know God must have really loved me to give me a chance
I know God must have really loved me to give me a chance.
I sat with that one.
Jordan doesn't talk about God. Not to me. Not at dinner. Not ever really. But he put it in a song, which means he thought it. Which means at some point he looked at whoever this person is and had a moment of genuine gratitude that felt that large. Large enough to put God in it.
I don't know who she is. I've been trying to figure it out since the first verse and I still don't know. It could be someone I've never met. It could be someone sitting in this room. It could be someone he hasn't told me about because Jordan doesn't tell me things, not really.
But he told her. Whoever she is. He told her in a song and played it for everyone and the honesty of it was almost uncomfortable to be in the room with.
Oh, I see you coming
Got my heart jumping like Jordans
Play me like Spalding, do it all for me
Girl, you're the vision of what I like
I promise I'll be yours
Tell me your joys and your problems
I'll be more than the man for you
I'll be your friend
Call me and I'll be right there
Second time through and his voice was warmer. Like he'd settled into it. Like the first verse was him finding the room and now he was just in it.
I looked at Maddy.
She was looking at the screen and her face had done something I didn't have a word for. Not soft exactly. More like the thing underneath the face was showing through just slightly. Just enough. The version of Maddy that exists before she decides who she's going to be in a given moment.
She looked young. That's the only way I can put it. She looked her actual age for once.
Call me, I'll be right away
(I'll be there, girl, stay right there)
Tell me if you're gonna stay down
(Will you stay down?)
I'll be waiting night and day
(I'll be waiting night and day)
But only if you're gonna stay down
The second chorus hit different from the first. The first time you hear a thing you're still registering it. The second time you already know it's coming and you feel it before it arrives.
Tell me if you're gonna stay down.
Maddy's jaw moved. Just slightly. Like she swallowed something.
I looked away.
Call me, I'll be right away
Tell me if you're gonna stay down
I'll be waiting night and day
But only if you're gonna stay down
* * *
When it ended the room was quiet in a way that felt deliberate. Like everyone had agreed without talking to just let it sit for a second.
Then Kat said, voice a little lower than normal: he can sing.
Nobody said obviously. We all just kind of absorbed it.
BB started scrolling the chat and reading things out loud and I tuned her out. Cassie was smiling at her phone. Kat was shaking her head slowly like she was still processing.
I looked at Maddy.
She was sitting with her hands in her lap, looking at nothing in particular, and she had that expression she gets when she's somewhere else. Not checked out. Somewhere specific. Working something through.
I thought about saying something. I decided against it.Maddy didn't need me in this.
The results came in. The room reacted. I reacted too.
But I kept thinking about my brother sitting in his room alone right now, on the other side of town, having just sung I'll be waiting night and day out loud to a camera, meaning every word, and probably already moving on to the next thing, the way he always does.
He makes something that honest and then he just goes on existing like he didn't.
That's the thing about Jordan that I don't think I'll ever fully understand. The gap between what he's willing to put in a song and what he's willing to say out loud. They're the same person. But one of them I know and one of them I only get to hear through speakers, and sometimes the one through the speakers tells me things things the other one never tells me.
I looked at Maddy one last time before everyone started moving.
She was already standing up, already reaching for her jacket, already doing the thing she does when she's decided a feeling is over even if it isn't. But her eyes were still somewhere else for just a second longer than the rest of her.
I didn't say anything.
Some things you just watch happen and leave alone.
Song stay down Brent Faiyaz