The second that portal slammed shut, I found myself standing on "Dark Diamond Boulevard." Imagine NYC's Fifth Avenue, but with a few more decorative skulls and "50% Off Your Soul" signs in every window.
There were rivers of lava flowing through the streets, but it wasn't messy—it was arranged with such aesthetic precision it looked like the canals of Venice. Honestly, the Underworld's urban planning puts my old neighborhood to shame.
"Oh Asti, the lighting here is divine!" I said, tucking my Ouija board under my arm while checking my reflection in a shop window. "After living under Tyler's horrible kitchen fluorescent bulbs, this amber glow is a total spa vibe. I'm literally glowing. My skin looks expensive!"
The streets were packed with all kinds of demon families. Aristocratic demons in silk capes and polished horns were nodding at each other, dropping their tiny winged kids off at the "School of Ancient Ruin and Strategy." In the schoolyard, the kids weren't playing tag; they were swapping notes for "Human Soul Manipulation 101." Raising the next generation of narcissists... you love to see the dedication!
"That building on the right is Mammon's Trade Center," Astaroth said, his massive cape casting a shadow so big it practically eclipsed the sun (if they had one). "And right next to it is Lucifer's Academy of Aesthetics and Pride. Everyone is talking about you, Madison. Word of your 'Pasta Torture' on that mortal has spread like wildfire. In our world, making a man's life a living hell is basically a Nobel Prize."
I stopped dead in front of a display window. Inside were crowns made of actual human bone but encrusted with the biggest diamonds I've ever seen. "I love that one. Can I wear it to the wedding? I mean, I don't know whose wedding, but a girl's gotta be prepared," I said, being my usual shameless self.
A Demon Lady with four arms—carrying luxury brand bags in every single one of them—stopped in her tracks to size me up.
"Oh darling, is this the famous 'Stalker Witch'?" she asked, fanning herself with all four hands at once. "Astaroth, your taste is a bit... mortal, but I adore the dark shimmer in her soul. She simply must have coffee with our son; he's the mayor of the Sadness and Melancholy District. He's incredibly depressed, but he's loaded!"
I looked at Astaroth's sharp jawline—a nose so perfect it looked carved from an artist's darkest fever dream—and those golden eyes that said, "I own this entire dimension." A thought popped into my head.
I could easily spend my life (and definitely my death) stalking this man.
I tried to lean in, maybe catch a scent of that expensive incense he gives off. "Asti, the fabric of your cape is so... soft," I purred. But he sensed my flirtatious vibes like a smoke detector sensing sulfur. He instantly yanked his cape between us like a brick wall.
"Protocol, Madison! Protocol!" he hissed.
"Ugh, fine! Keep your protocol! I was just giving you a compliment, not trying to steal your crown," I muttered, rolling my eyes.
"Your first date is ready," Astaroth said, though I definitely caught a hint of tension in his voice (my radar is top-tier, babe). "Belphegor is waiting for you at the Underworld Starbucks. Try not to cause a scene; he's the Lord of Sloth and Sleep."
"Starbucks? You have a Starbucks in Hell?" I asked, completely deadpan.
"I swear, if they spell my name 'Madis-son' on the cup, I'm going to lose it. Alright, let's go. Let's see if this Demon Lord can handle a Gossip Queen on a caffeine high!"