It looked like the branches on Earth, with a few minor differences: the coffee was served at lava-boiling temperatures, and instead of your name, the cups said "Eternally Damned" or "Sinner."
And most importantly, the background music wasn't indie—it was a low-frequency, ancient wail that vibrated through your very soul.
Madison glided in wearing a "Gothic-Chic" outfit she'd DIY-ed using a piece of fabric she "borrowed" from Astaroth's cape. Astaroth stood at the threshold as an "observer," pretending to be busy examining an ancient parchment while secretly eyeing the room with a gaze that could melt steel.
At the corner table sat Lord Belphegor, wearing a t-shirt that said "Monday Syndrome."
To be fair, the guy was handsome—in that "just woke up but my hair looks perfect" hipster way. With his half-closed eyes, light stubble, and indifferent attitude, he looked like a grunge icon who had accidentally wandered into Hell's most depressing Starbucks.
"Hey," Belphegor said, yawning so wide Madison could practically see his lack of motivation. "I'm Belphegor. Lord of Sloth. I wasn't actually going to come, but Astaroth said if I didn't, he'd fill my bed with lava. Moving is... a lot of work."
Madison sat down. "Hi, sweetie. Your coffee is cold, do you realize that?"
Belphegor shrugged, his head resting heavily on his hand.
"Cold is better. I don't have to waste energy blowing on it. Oxygen consumption, carbon dioxide release... it's all too many procedures. So, why were you stalking Tyler? Isn't it exhausting? If it were me, I'd be too lazy to stalk. I'd just forget. Forgetting is the least energy-consuming action."
Madison shot a quick glare at Astaroth (who realized he was holding his parchment upside down and quickly flipped it with a scowl). She turned back to Belphegor, tracing the rim of her cup with a manicured finger.
"Look, Belphi,"
"You definitely win the 'effortlessly handsome' category. But is this too much,are you just too lazy to talk to me? I love chaos; you love the sofa. While I'm out stalking Tyler and creating beautiful drama, you'd be snoring next to me. If we wanted to go anywhere, by the time you got ready, the apocalypse would happen and we'd still be at home."
She reached across the table and flicked a piece of dust off his wrinkled shirt.
"Also... this t-shirt color makes you look pale, and it's crying out for an iron. Ironing is a rebellion against gravity, honey, and you seem way too cozy with it."
Belphegor didn't mind at all; in fact, he looked relieved, his eyes almost fully closing. "Ironing is too much drama. And Tyler? He's just a mortal. To sweat over him is... tragic. But I admit, your 'naughty' move of stealing Astaroth's cape for a top actually kept me awake for five whole seconds. Can I go back to sleep now? Astaroth's armor is clanking too loudly and giving me a headache."
Madison got up and walked to the door, stopping right in front of Astaroth. Despite having heard every word, Astaroth looked up as if he'd just noticed her. Not a single muscle moved on his flawless face, but the tiny glint in his golden eyes betrayed his secret satisfaction at her rejecting the Lord of Sloth.
"Is it over?" Astaroth asked, his voice a notch deeper. "Belphegor is the noblest and least headache-inducing lord in Hell. Why did you reject him?"
Madison stepped right into his personal space, breathing in his scent of dark forest and old books. "He was boring, Asti. Not my type. I like... more authoritative types. The kind who 'wants me even while dealing with me.' You know, someone with a cape, who shakes the world when he strikes his staff, but loses his patience while waiting for a girl to touch up her makeup..."
She traced a pattern on his cold armor.
"He's a cute boy, but I'd end up using him as furniture. At least you stay upright."
Astaroth swallowed, a tiny twitch appearing in his marble-like jaw. "Your next date is with Leviathan." he said, trying to regain his stern tone. "The Lord of Envy. He won't sleep. He'll watch your every move."
When Astaroth dropped us off at the "Green-Eyed Monster"—the darkest VIP club in Hell—the atmosphere was so heavy it felt like everyone inside was trying to hack each other's phone passwords. Astaroth stood at the door, arms crossed.
"Leviathan is waiting for you, Madison," he said, sounding like he was warning her of a natural disaster. "He is the most suspicious, possessive being in Hell. Right on your level."
"Oh, perfect!" I said, touching up my lipstick in the reflection of Astaroth's cape. "At least I'll meet someone who understands me. See you, Asti—don't forget to keep spying on us. Being envied is good for my soul! And try to hold the parchment the right way up this time, okay? You're doing great, sweetie!"