I figured out who he was. A being that has watched everything everywhere at all times, but it meant nothing. After what he said I could feel it, all my memories. Everything that I'd forgotten, that I tried to forget. All the memories came crashing into my mind. I AM a bad person. I had lived my life, trying to help others, missing the presence of my family that passed away so long ago. I sat down slowly as my arms slipped away from him. I wanted to contest, to say he was wrong, I wanted to dispute him and make him confess he was lying. You can't dispute your memory. Everything he said was real, I remember all of them. I remember feeling good while it happened. I had lied to my self for all these years. I wasn't a good father or husband, hell I wasn't even a good person.
" Listen "
His cold, commanding voice echoing through the air. Even now I'm still lost.
" You can choose to listen to what I have to say or not. I didn't come here to free you, or even tell you a way out of this curse. This will be your prison, you will see everything and everyone crumble and fade to ash, you will watch the sun die and the flame of the universe blow out, and you will float through the expanse of nothingness as you slowly lose your sanity. I came here to make sure you remember them, and suffer into an eternal life, the only curse befitting scum like you. She cursed you because you were undeserving of the gift of life, but, you are undeserving of death as well "
His last few words had hit me, hard, as I lowered my hand, maybe he was right, it was time to face the truth, time to come to terms with my sins, no more denial, no more delusions, this was my punishment for all I've done, and the least I could do was take it like a man.
" That was my original plan, but she told me otherwise. Seventh, she said people can change, and maybe not for the better all the time, but she believed in you. She said the one prior was a fool. Why would you give someone a sentence so harsh, a punishment that far exceeds the crime. She was right, this was too grave a curse. And if anyone knows the horrors of immortality. It would be me "
His expression, his tone and even his form changed. Now he looked human once again, a quite handsome one at that.
" What's going on? Is this some kind of trick? "
" I've seen what you've done and built. I've seen the people you've saved. You are pardoned of all your previous crimes. I am here to free you. "
Huh? Pardoned? Me? After everything I've done? That's it? That can't be right? I've hurt dozens of people and led to the death of multiple. I have not atoned for my crimes. This... this is nowhere near the suffering she went through, not even half. I haven't cursed my existence yet, I haven't blamed the world yet, I haven't curled up into a ball and cry for days yet, and if I haven't been through even half of the torment she went through at my hands, then I refuse to be forgiven. I have to atone, it's the only way I can forgive myself.
" It can't be that easy, let me stay, let me atone— "
" Listen. I know. You believe you have to suffer in order to truly be free. "
" Well yes, this is the only way— "
" Wrong! Listen kid, if all a person had to do to atone was to suffer or go through hardship then forgiveness would have no meaning "
" So then answer me this. How do I atone, in what way can I fix what I've done "
" Forgiveness is more than just hurting yourself. Think of it this way. If you punched your friend and regretted it, you don't ask him to just punch you back, you apologize. In order to for you to be forgiven, you'd need to fell regret. "
" I don't follow. "
" In this country in the past few centuries, you've opened ten orphanages, eight free medical facilities and two law firms specified in women rights. All of these corresponds with your past. You feel guilt and regret subconsciously, so you try to fix it by doing what you should've done years ago. I don't know about fixing but when it comes to atonement you've done enough "
" Just a few good deeds? That's all it takes? After I ruined her? "
" It's easy to hurt others, or even yourself under the guise of making amends, but it's truly difficult to change and to better yourself. "
" Huh? " What was he talking about I wondered.
" Somewhere down the line you realized how bad a person you were and slowly you tried to fix it. You wouldn't remember it now because it was a long time ago for you, but you spent the good part of thirty years quitting drugs, alcohol and even smoking, knowing you were immortal. You did it for lackluster reasons, a kid coughed on the smoke of your cigar smoke, you heard of child addiction that had nothing to do with you, and you quit everything "
Just being kind was enough to atone for what I did to her? What kind of children motivational ass garbage was that. I did a good thing once now all the things I've done have been Magically forgiven don't make me laugh.
" How are you so sure? I didn't take it? That I didn't lie just to improve my rep? Huh? "
" The thing is compassion can be faked, easily I might add. people can make seemingly drastic changes to their lifestyle to save face, but you, you, changed your habits, your very nature. Even though no one saw you, or praised you. You changed your habits and flaws because you noticed, even though subconsciously that it was hurting those around you. You've become a good person, whether you accept it or not. "
If only I could be forgiven for everything I've done simply by being a good person. Even if the world forgives me, I'll never forgive myself. Everytime I close my eyes I see images of her, of them, bruised and battered, I see that gentle broken smile plastered on her hurt face...I want to hold her in my hand, look her in her eyes and tell her—
" I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry "
I said softly as small bulbs of tears rolled down my eyes, as I covered them with my hands gently crying.
I want to apologize to her, for all the hurt, all the torment and all the pain I put her through, I just want to apologize, even though she won't forgive me, at least let me fall at her feet and grovel, and beg for forgiveness. My heart swollen with pain I leaned back on my chair, my golden brown hair pouring back as I put my hand over my eyes crying. Then I felt something. A gentle tap on my shoulders. Quietly I raised my head, tilting it in the angle I was tapped.
" Are you alright? "
That voice, so soothing, so familiar. She had bright orange hair, a bit too much freckles on her face, slightly flushed ears, no taller than five six, she was so pale it looked like there was no blood in her body, a face as warm as home, a smile as calming as the sea, a voice as though she was singing and as smooth as butter, a person radiating light in every way... Mom.