She was rejected.
Subaru felt her entire world crumbling beneath her feet. Her heart felt as if it were being torn by invisible claws, each beat bringing an agonizing pain. She knew how selfish her request was, asking a man who adhered to chivalry to abandon his vows.
"Could you... reconsider?" Subaru clutched the hem of her clothes tightly. "I'll do anything... cook, clean, do laundry... I'll work hard... I definitely won't be a burden to you..."
Even though she knew the answer wouldn't change, she still refused to give up like a stubborn child. Carlisle looked at her reddish eyes and sighed softly.
"Hmm... actually, I've thought about it before, how I would live if I weren't a knight one day. Going to Kararagi is indeed a good option."
Carlisle gazed at her gently.
"Once we get there, we'll buy a small house, preferably one with a yard. Fortunately, a knight's salary is quite generous, so we should be able to choose a good neighborhood. It can lay the foundation for our future life." He took a step forward.
Subaru's breathing unconsciously quickened.
"After we settle down..." Carlisle continued, a gentle smile on his lips, "I'll probably look for a guard job. I don't have much business talent, but my swordsmanship and magic are decent. Or..." He tilted his head, thinking, "work as a porter at the docks? Hmm... maybe a bounty hunter?"
He suddenly shook his head, "But if I'm living with Subaru, I won't choose a job that's too dangerous. It would make you worry..."
A breeze swept by, bringing with it a floral scent. Subaru's entire attention was focused on Carlisle's moving lips, afraid to miss a single word.
"Subaru has worked at the Mansion for so long, finding a job will definitely be easier for her than for me." He paused, a hint of slyness in his eyes, "But once everything is stable... it's better for you to stay at home."
"Why?" Subaru eagerly pressed.
"Because... the feeling of someone waiting for me to come home... I really long for it."
Subaru's heart skipped a beat. This simple answer touched her more than any sweet words.
"If Rem came along too..." Carlisle looked at Rem beside him. "Life should be very easy. Last time you had a cold, she insisted on taking care of my daily needs... I almost thought I was going to become useless."
Subaru, as if by a ghost's whim, reached out to touch his cheek, but her wrist was gently held midway. Carlisle's palm was warm and dry, making her reluctant to pull her hand away.
"Once we save enough money, we can open a small shop in the commercial district. Subaru always has so many creative ideas, she's sure to shine in Kararagi, the city of commerce."
Subaru's vision blurred. It was unstoppable tears. Every detail Carlisle described precisely hit the softest corner of her heart, that fantasy of 'home'.
"If we live together..." Carlisle's voice suddenly became a little hoarse, "we'll be family, won't we?" He smiled, but a emotion Subaru couldn't decipher flashed in his eyes, "For someone like me, it's really a novel experience."
"That kind of life... it's truly happy..."
"Yes!" Her other hand clasped Carlisle's hand tightly. "We can leave now! As long as... as long as you agree..."
Carlisle looked at her quietly, and after a long time, he slowly shook his head.
"If that's the future Subaru is looking forward to..." He let go of her hand and took a step back, "I think spending the rest of my life to achieve it... is not impossible."
Leaves rustled, as if accompanying his words.
"But..." Carlisle pressed the knight's emblem on his shoulder. "I cannot agree to this request."
That sentence was like a heavy hammer, shattering the fantasy world Subaru had painstakingly built. Carlisle's refusal to flee meant that she ultimately couldn't stop him from heading to the battlefield shrouded by the White Whale and the Witch Cult, couldn't change his fate.
Is it going to happen again?
The thought of escaping alone flashed through her mind, then was torn to shreds. She couldn't do it. How could she breathe? How could she live without Carlisle in the world? Her chest burned as if branded by a hot iron, but her eyes were painfully dry, not a single tear could fall.
Wait a minute... her memory suddenly froze on that afternoon, when she... was happy. Until Rem suddenly received Ram's premonition, until everything began to collapse... The night after tomorrow... that's the moment... A twisted smile suddenly appeared on Subaru's lips. That's right, as long as she uses Return by Death at the moment Rem receives the premonition... She just needs to go back. Fix time forever in these two happy days, circulating day after day, until... until the Witch who granted this ability gets tired, until she takes back this 'blessing'.
"That's right..." Subaru murmured softly, her voice sounding as if from a far-off place, "Don't be too greedy..."
As long as she gave up thinking, gave up struggling, she could live forever in this moment of warmth. Carlisle would always smile at her, Rem and Ram would always... be alive.
This thought was as sweet as poison, making her almost succumb to it.
Just as Subaru was about to completely fall into the abyss, Carlisle's voice suddenly rang out again.
He scratched his head, a little troubled, his blue hair gently swaying in the sunlight that had already half emerged.
"Although I thought this day would come... I didn't expect it to come so quickly, haha." His voice held a helpless tenderness.
"...This day?" Subaru repeated, her golden pupils still dim.
Carlisle took a step forward, bending slightly to meet her gaze: "Subaru, can you tell me what's really happening? We can figure it out together."
"No." Subaru shook her head, she couldn't say... if she did... he would be like last time... "I see..." Carlisle sighed softly, "Then shall we go back first? Take our time, we'll find a way eventually."
"No." There was no more time... Carlisle looked at Subaru's dull golden eyes and gently held her hand. "So Subaru has already given up? But it's okay, even though I don't know what happened, I will definitely find a way."
"Giving up is simple, but it's also a way of dealing with things."
"Giving up... is simple?!"
Subaru's voice suddenly twisted and distorted, as if something sharp had pierced her throat. She violently shook off Carlisle's hand, stumbling back two steps.
Her laughter was as grating as broken glass. "What a joke... haha... Giving up... is simple?!"
"...Subaru?"
"Stop talking to yourself!" Subaru roared. "Do you think I want to give up?! I've seen it! I've seen it many times in that hell!"
Tears finally burst forth, mixed with anger and despair, splashing onto the ground.
"I don't want to give up! But why... why do you have to make things so difficult?! Why won't you just listen to me?!"
Her voice grew hoarser and hoarser, until it was almost a scream.
"That hell... I already... I don't want to see it again! But why! Why! Why! Why, why, why, why, why, why?!"
"Why do you have to go and die! Can't you just listen to me! Just this once... just this once, can't you listen to me?!"
Carlisle was completely stunned. He had never seen Subaru like this, like a cornered beast, exuding a shocking despair and anger.
"What chivalry! What responsibility and mission!" Subaru screamed hysterically, "Why does this ridiculous burden of saving the world have to fall on you alone! That guy will rush back when he hears the capital is frozen, won't he?!"
"Do you really want to sacrifice your life for others? What kind of hero! Why would your dream be so... so ridiculous?!"
Subaru slowly exhaled, then slowly looked up, as if having made some kind of decision.
"I really... hate you the most!"
Subaru's scream exploded on the street, startling passersby who turned to look. But she just stared fixedly into Carlisle's eyes, searching for an emotion called 'disgust' in that blue expanse.
But all she found was heartache.
Sure enough... you're just that kind of person... that's why you meddled in my business that day... that's why now... Her clenched fists weakly opened. She didn't want to give up... she wanted to fight to the very end more than anyone... but the path ahead was already blocked by despair... Carlisle gazed at her dull but tear-filled eyes. He understood, behind that shattered gold, lay a cry for help from someone about to drown.
"Subaru... choosing to give up is indeed simple. But"
The sunlight suddenly pierced through the clouds, gilding his profile.
"That kind of solution has never suited me."
...
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