"I'm gonna do a pro gamer move!" Zack says over the Discord chat.
"What is it?" Dymo asks.
"It's called giving up."
"I take that Singles Market didn't go well?"
"Yeah, it went terrible. I'm done."
"Don't feel sad laa." Jian says. "Don't let this bad experience bring you down. Maybe, you just need to focus on yourself first and-..."
"You know what? No, stop. Shut up. Sorry, I didn't mean anything against you. Just your advice. I heard it all a million times, and I hate it. Work on myself? What the fuck do you guys I been doing? I studied, my loan got waved because of my results, I got a job, I'm buying a new PC, I'm saving for a car. I love my job. I stay active, I eat well, I sleep early. I know none of that entitles me to a girlfriend, that's not my issue. My issue is the bad advice. 'Put yourself out there, don't expect it to just come to you.' Well guess what I did, I put myself out there, and no one wants anything to do with me! I been to 4 dates in the last 6 years! My hit rate for getting a date is fucking trash, and in between that was loads of ghosting. Then when I have a bad experience like the stupid singles market. People tell me 'It'll come when you least expect it.' Or worse. 'It'll come when your not even looking.' which contradicts the earlier advice of putting myself out there! Like, how the fuck do you know? Nobody can know! It might never come! It's all just empty words. If I believe all those words, it's a very real possibility that I end up disappointed and alone on my death bed. So I'm better off not believing it, in which case what's even the point of telling people that? Terrible fucking advice!"
"When they say put yourself out there, they don't mean dating app laa, go to a bar! Go meet people in real life!" Jian corrects.
"Jian I don't think-..."
"Sorry for interrupting Dymo, but Jian, what the fuck do you think I been doing? I meet girls in real life all the time. My campus, the cafe I part timed at, church, events, the fucking singles market. You telling me bar is the only place I'm allowed to go? I don't even enjoy bars or alcohol, and they're expensive man! So no, my rant still applies."
Jian: "Okay what the fuck do you want? A girlfriend? Well maybe the reason you don't have one is because you've been so desperate and pathetic! Maybe you should stop-..."
Zack: "You're not listening! I don't want anymore advice! I don't give a fuck about getting a girlfriend anymore! I know nothing entitles me to one, and if I'm this revolting, maybe it's better I don't make a girl suffer by dating her."
Jian: "So what the fuck do you want? To be depressed?"
Zack: "Yes! Let me be depressed, let me fucking give up! Stop with the bad advice! I give up! I just had a bad experience and I'm in no state to date right now. So let me think about something else."
Dymo: "To be fair Zack, you brought it up at the start of the Discord call."
Zack: "I brought it up to rant, to find comfort, to tell you guys that I give up. But instead I get bombarded with shitty advice that I heard a million times, and now I'm telling you guys to stop giving me the bad advice. Besides, if I didn't bring this shit up, you were gonna ask me about it anyway, right?"
A pause.
Dymo: "Fair enough."
Zack: "Thank you, now let's not talk about this anymore and fuck shit up in GTA, I'm in that kind of mood now."
The anger didn't make him play better or anything, he was just clumsier and died a lot in game. Zack had always been bad at shooting games, so after dying loads of times, he decided he wasn't having fun and went back to being the groups getaway driver. He was much better than being the driver or pilot.
He tried his best to shut up and channel his frustrations purely into the game, and soon, Jian and Dymo seemed to have forgotten about his little rant and they were having fun again. Externally, Zack's tone joined them, his witty jokes and game planning returned. Internally though, he was still in turmoil and he would be for a while because of the bad experience, that will eventually heal like a wound, but because the oxymoron of giving up is that the head is done with getting hurt, done with the exhausting game of trying to get to know girls. But the heart still longed for a genuine connection. A connection that could never be reached with magical rizz.
To be stuck in contradictory paradox of "I want a connection." And "I'm not worthy of one." Is what's tearing him apart. Eventually, not wanting to bother his friends with his gloominess, he hid it. He never brought it up again because he knew that if he did, he will either get more of the same shitty advice that never helped, ridiculed, or worse, he'll negatively affect their mood again. The last thing he wants is to burden other people with this stupid trivial thing of wanting a girlfriend. So he hid it, until it became too exhausting to hide, so he joined them less and less of their gaming sessions, and eventually, he stopped altogether.
...
Bullet was hanging around the area of Zack's apartment, a couple of towers that sit above 3 stories of shop lots and a parking lot. No alley cats wouldn't climb higher than the first few floors, but being a magical cat, he wasn't afraid of heights and would reach the 23rd floor where Zack resided. As he approached his window. He saw something wrong. It was 3am and his lights are still on.
He snuck up to the window and peeked around the corner to see Zack slumped on his desk in front of his laptop. It looks like he's passed out. The window was open, so Bullet walked right in, nudged his way under his hand, and began purring. "Wh- what? Eh? How did you get here? Fuck it's 3am, I need to sleep I got work tomorrow..." Zack monologues. Without thinking, he grabbed Bullet into bed with him. Bullet, who had just given quite some energy to Zack to wake him up now felt sleepy himself, so he didn't complain.
Before falling asleep. Bullet took a look at the laptop that was still on. Freelance. Zack was doing freelance 3D modelling but seemed to have pushed himself too hard. What happened? Bullet could feel the turmoil radiating off Zack. This isn't new, he always had this, and he had tried to help Zack resolve it. But now it's amplified, grown to a level that would even keep Bullet awake if he wasn't so sleepy. It was heavy, suffocating even, but eventually, the fatigue overtakes them both, and slumber consumed them.
The next morning...
The watch around his wrist vibrates and Zack wakes up from his alarm. "Fuck I'm so tired." It was 7:30, he takes the train to work, so he gets up a little earlier. He notice Bullet curled up into a ball next to him. "So it wasn't a dream, did I bring you up here and forgot?" He sat on his bed for a little longer, his weariness weighed him down, even while laying there, Bullet, who is now pretending to sleep, could feel it. Last nights turmoil, like weights on a chain tangled around his neck, he could feel the emotional exhaustion, not just the physical one.
Then, Zack slapped himself awake. "Come on Isaac, don't be more useless than you already are, get up and work you lazy fuck." The words caught Bullet by surprise. Did he always talk to himself like this? Zack got up and opened a pack of food, Royal Canin, the food that the girl Elise recommended for cats, it was pricier, but it's fact checked to be healthier, well from his 20 minutes of Googling at least. He left some in a bowl for Bullet, filled a water bowl as well, and got ready for work. After he left, Bullet got up and secretly followed him from a distance, jumping out through the window and making his way down. He spotted Zack crossing the road without looking both ways like he usually does, which concerned the magic cat further. He hopped onto the roof of the bus, which wasn't as dangerous as it sounded because the bus had to navigate rush hour traffic, so it wasn't going very quickly.
Bullet hung around the plaza where Zack's design studio was located for the day, he couldn't go anywhere near it of course, so he could only observe Zack as he had lunch at the food court alone. Well, not alone, he had a black and white cat to keep him company. So after lunch, Bullet went and talk to the cat. "Hello, what's your name? Did Zack give you a name?"
"Michael." He answered.
"Michael!" Bullet echoes. "I'm Bullet, Zack's friend."
"Zack's friend? Zack many cat friends? Zack my friend here!"
"Woah, calm down buddy, I'm not here to steal your friend or territory." He purred and let his magic calm the other cat down. "I just wanna know how Zack been lately?"
"Very sad, give me more food though!"
"More food huh?"
Bullet explored the plaza where Zack's office was and waited for him to be done with work, as it approached end of office hours, it started to rain heavily. So when Zack finally emerges from his office, Bullet had to duck from cover to cover to follow his bus. The good news is, the traffic jam was so bad that the bus was delayed, so he had no issues keeping up. He didn't expect that he would be able to see Zack in the clump of people packed like sardines in the bus. But every time the bus reaches a stop, he stepped out into the pouring rain to let people in.
He got soaked, absolutely dripping from head to toe. His expression remained unbothered although he shivered. "Self harm." Bullet realized. But not in the flashy cut yourself kinda way. It's the actively put myself in harms way way. And from the outside, people commend him for being selfless, or hard-working in the case of doing freelance till he dropped.
But what can he do about it? Expend energy to knock Zack out every time it's bedtime and to keep him healthy? That's not sustainable, he will drain himself as well. He needs to get help. "I need to find him a mate!" Bullet concludes to himself. "Zack is unhappy because he cannot find a human mate, and my magical pheromones didn't work, but how can I find him a mate without the magic pheromones?" Bullet thinks to himself for a moment before suddenly a lightbulb appeared over his head. "I know, I'll go to her!"