SF Chapter 56: Sitcom Family IV
Charlie, Alan, and Ross continued talking while Carol went to grab something to eat.
Joey and Monica approached them.
"Oh man, my back still hurts from the trip," Joey complained, twisting his torso dramatically.
"Well, you slept the entire flight, completely sprawled out in the seat," Monica pointed out.
Alan chimed in, "Maybe I can help. I'm a chiropractor," he remarked proudly.
"Chiro-what?" Joey looked at him strangely. "Sorry, man, for you to have that."
"What?" Alan blinked, confused.
"Isn't it some kind of STD?"
"Joey, chiropractor is a profession," Ross said, staring at his friend in disbelief.
"Yes, it is," Charlie added. "Basically, a masseuse without the hot oil," he finished, earning a glare from his brother.
"Ohhh… he's like Phoebe," Joey finally understood. "Thanks, man, but no thanks. No offense - I only do happy endings with girls." He smirked.
"I do not do that!" Alan shot him a look.
A little further to the side, closer to the main table, Cam, Mitchell, Gloria, and Jay were talking.
"So tomorrow everyone's going early to the beauty salon?" Cam asked rhetorically, excitedly.
"Yess," Gloria played along. She was holding Lily in her arms.
"You need to see the suit I rented," Cam continued, practically bouncing in place.
Mitchell placed a hand on his boyfriend's arm. "Just remember, Cam, this isn't about you," he said, then muttered, "besides, there are already plenty of people trying to steal the spotlight..."
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Daniel was still talking with Leonard in the corner.
"Hey, Dani, how about you give me a glass too?" Haley asked sweetly as she approached the duo, noticing that her uncle was opening a bottle of wine and pouring himself a glass.
"If your mom says yes, I'll serve you," he grinned.
She pouted. "Oh, come on, Dani. Don't be a buzzkill." Haley clung to her uncle's arm.
But soon Claire appeared, took the wine glass from her brother's hand, and downed it in one go.
"Hey, Sis! If you're going to down it in one shot, at least use cheaper wine," he scolded. "Anyway, which demon made you that angry?"
"Beeze-" she stopped herself and quickly corrected. "Aunt Beverly might have said some things..."
But someone made her fall silent. DeDe appeared at the door and loudly exclaimed, "Surprise!" smiling brightly.
"Here, Sis, you can have the entire bottle," Daniel promptly handed her the wine bottle.
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"What is she doing here?" Evelyn frowned slightly as she looked at her older sister.
"Oh, Evelyn," DeDe approached the hostess. "I come in peace, trying to finally find my inner peace (again). I'm sorry for what happened last time," she attempted to apologize, but no one was buying it.
"But all my family is here. It's not fair that you didn't call me," she added, already positioning herself as the victim.
"Oh, sweetheart, I thought you would find it too much pressure, since this is a party about a major achievement," Evelyn replied, venom dripping from her words.
And Beverly made a clinical comment about the situation. "Evelyn, I thought you would have expected this by now. DeDe has always displayed a classic pattern of self-referential emotional structuring."
The people around them looked confused. And she continued, "She repositions herself as the injured party in environments where she lacks measurable contribution."
Beverly stepped slightly out of her usual composure and delivered a sharp jab, "Which is basically everywhere."
[Leonard commentary]
"My mom is emotionally cold and analytical most of the time. But the rare moments I've seen her show more emotion were with Aunt DeDe," Leonard commented.
[Commentary ends]
On the other side of the room, watching the entire interaction, Claire was making a very conflicted face. Torn between "she's still my mom" and leaning more toward "serves you right."
"Where are you going?" she asked, grabbing her brother by the back of the neck.
"To get out. The four demons are here - we need to call the Pope," Daniel said, trying to free himself from his sister's grip.
Mitchell approached them. "Should we try to help Mom?" he asked, grimacing. DeDe had clearly gone into defensive mode after the jab she received.
"You're free to go, Mitch," Claire replied, taking another sip of her wine.
"Bro, I'll write about your heroic deeds and your unwavering filial devotion," Dani said, giving his brother a thumbs-up.
But before it could continue, Monica and Joey called everyone to dinner - they had volunteered to help serve - both carrying a giant plate of pasta.
Then Jake and Luke, running around and playing, ended up tripping and crashing into the two adults.
What followed was comically inevitable: the food fell mostly onto the heads of the four sisters.
"Our heroes," Daniel muttered, but quickly grabbed his sister. "No, no, no. You can't walk away, Sis. That's your son."
[Daniel and Alex commentary]
After the chaos, everyone left the dinner, with only Evelyn staying since it was her house.
Daniel, sitting on the couch at his sister's house, commented, "Last time it was Dylan. Now Jake, Luke, and partially Joey. Do you see the pattern?"
"Yes," Alex nodded. "The dumbest people in the room doing dumb things - kind of expected."
[Commentary ends]
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"Now, I want you to go to your sister's room and think about it," Claire lectured Luke.
The Dunphy family had gone back home, with Daniel and Monica coming along as well. Luke was going to stay with his sisters, since Claire had given his room to Monica.
"Isn't it a little bad parenting, lecturing your son when you're still a little tipsy?" Daniel asked from the table, where he had been eating.
Claire turned her head sharply toward her brother. "I'll let that slide, since what was supposed to be your family dinner ended up with you as a background character."
"Uhhh, that was a nice jab," Haley teased playfully.
Dani shoved part of the muffin's cream onto Haley's nose.
The duo started nudging each other.
"Okay, thanks for letting us know," Phil said as he hung up the phone. "Mitchell said she's fine, and it was just a few minor burns."
DeDe was taken to the hospital by her son. She was the only one who got hurt in the accident, since she was the one who took the hot sauce to the face.
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