I was tired of everything.
Of myself.
Of the life I was living.
While talking with a friend, we started thinking about where we could meet new people.
A bigger circle.
Maybe even meet some girls.
Typical guy conversations.
Of course, he knew nothing about my other life.
About my secrets.
Then, through a friend, we got a suggestion to join a running group.
Something about training, socializing, meeting new people.
I wasn't interested at all.
But I went anyway.
For a change.
The first time… it was okay.
Nothing special, but not bad either.
We met new people there.
And girls.
Slowly, it started to feel good.
And then I met her.
Masa.
Black hair.
Dark eyes.
And an energy I couldn't explain.
I felt like she was looking at me differently.
Not like the others.
And I liked that.
We started getting closer.
Everything felt natural.
But inside me… chaos.
What if she finds out?
What if someone from my past shows up?
Do I even deserve something like this?
Does she actually want me… or am I just imagining everything?
And the most important question:
Am I finally becoming normal?
Maybe… maybe I was just lonely.
Maybe everything before was just a phase.
My mind wouldn't stop racing.
A thousand thoughts at once.
But her…
She was different.
We spent more and more time together.
Texting every day.
Laughing.
For the first time, I felt like things were going in the right direction.
And it lasted.
For months.
But then… slowly, things started to change.
We were close, then distant.
Good, then not.
One day, she told me I didn't know how to treat a woman.
That she expected more.
That maybe all of this was a waste of time.
And me…
I tried.
But I didn't know how.
Because the only thing I knew… was something completely different.
Something that was destroying me.
Maybe I really am nothing.
Our relationship lasted a long time.
Almost two years.
We were together… but not really.
Always somewhere in between.
And every time things fell apart, I sank even deeper.
I went back to old habits.
Looking for something—anything—that could fill the emptiness, even for a moment.
And every time, I felt even emptier.
But the truth is…
I fell in love with her.
I missed her when we didn't talk.
When we didn't see each other.
She understood my stupid jokes.
She knew how to tease me.
How to make me laugh.
She was the one.
But maybe she never loved me the same way.
Maybe only at the beginning.
Later… she didn't.
Maybe the desire faded.
Maybe she got tired of me.
She changed.
And I felt it.
I tried to walk away.
To end everything.
But like always… I blamed myself.
Maybe she wasn't the problem.
Maybe I was.
Maybe I wasn't honest.
Maybe I just wanted her to be my mask.
To hide who I really was.
And when I'm alone…
I think about her.
Did I hurt her?
Is she suffering?
But the truth was different.
She wasn't suffering.
She had someone else.
Someone who made her laugh.
Someone she was happy with.
And me…
I was just a fool who found out the hard way.
…
That's enough for now.
I can already feel it all coming back.
Every moment.
I need to stop.
Because what comes next…
is not just more painful.
It's much worse.