"Oh, I like her," Lily laughed when Harry met Nymphadora Tonks. Lily was having tea with Regulus as they both wanted to have a quiet afternoon while they watched 'their boys' explore Hogsmeade for the first time. Harry and his friends had merely been wandering toward the village, plotting on where to look for Sirius at, and Harry caught himself being spied on by someone.
The someone wound up being Nymphadora Tonks, Andromeda's daughter.
And she was hilarious.
"Wotcher, Harry!"
"Who are you?"
"'Who are you?'" Nymphadora mimicked him as she shifted her form from a young woman with pink hair to an exact replica of Harry.
"Metamorphmagus abilities are quite rare," Regulus said. He tapped the edge of his teacup with his fingernail while he watched Nymphadora and Harry interact on the telly. "It's odd that some of the rarest talents come from half-bloods, isn't it?"
"Mm, no," Lily said. "Adding in the fresh, non-related, blood probably sparks magical abilities."
Regulus smiled condescendingly and shook his head. "If you say so."
She did.
"I'm your official tail," 'Tonks' told Harry happily. She added a tail to her body and wagged it and winked.
Lily and Regulus both laughed at how Harry had to fight to keep from laughing at her.
"She's very unflappably cheerful," Regulus said with an amused tenor to his voice. "Nothing at all like Andy."
"Andy?" Lily gave Regulus a curious look. "Were you close with her? I was under the impression your family didn't interact with her much?"
"They didn't- we don't," Regulus said. "I… Andy occasionally allowed me to stay at her house, no questions asked, when mine became too… noisy."
"'Noisy'," Lily repeated skeptically. "Because Sirius said your mother was—,"
"A true delight," Regulus drawled. "Remarkable woman, may she rest in misery. "Do you think Harry is going to kill Nymphadora or skip Sirius hunting today?"
Lily could recognize the change in topic and the tightening in Regulus' eyes. "Oh probably just stun her," she said. She watched Harry argue with the stubborn and funny witch and found herself smiling. "How old is Tonks?"
Regulus hummed and squinted thoughtfully at the telly. "Twenty one? Twenty two, perhaps? She was six when I died."
"Ah." Lily laughed as Harry agreed to allow Tonks to go with him, Draco, and Susan as they looked for Sirius. "I was hoping Harry may take a shining to her, she seems like an intelligent and sweet girl, but she's a bit too old."
For whatever reason, Regulus laughed his annoying head off while Lily scowled and the kids set off to the Shrieking Shack.
"Oh, Lily, I adore you," Regulus drawled. He took a sip of tea and composed himself. "I used to check in on her, family obligation, you see?"
Lily hummed.
Regulus spent a lot of time pretending to dislike people that she knew for a fact he adored.
"Do you know who Nymphadora's first crush was?"
Lily was curious despite herself. "Who?"
Regulus' smile was tiny, but undoubtedly amused. "Severus."
"No!" Lily finally understood the joke and began laughing as well. "He's so mean!"
"Nymphadora liked his hands," Regulus smirked. "She thought he was brooding and mysterious."
Lily considered that. "He is," she agreed. "Perhaps Sev and Tonks still have a chance then?"
"What would we call them?" Regulus asked, his smile more boyish and genuine.
They got a bit distracted from their originally goal of watching their boys explore Hogsmeade as they began creating couple names for the couples they wanted to see.
'Snonks' was hilarious and Lily hoped Sev and Tonks got together so she could use it.
Lily came up with Sharry, for Harry and Susan, and Regulus laughed himself sick over it.
"It's unoriginal and never going to happen," he said pompously. "Your son is gay, Lily."
Then Regulus suggested 'Blarry' for Blaise and Harry. Lily liked the idea of Drarry, no matter how much Regulus insisted that Draco liked Luna.
Neither of them were a fan of Hon. Ron was a wonderful friend, but all wrong for Lily's son.
Lily accidentally broke a teacup when Regulus suggested 'Snack' for Sirius and Sev.
"When bell freezes over, maybe," Lily laughed. "Ugh. Could you imagine?"
"I most vividly attempt to never," Regulus said. "Sirius and Remus were enough to curl my stomach when I first arrived."
"Not that you ever checked on Sirius, right, Reg?" Lily said slyly.
Regulus sniffed, "Of course not."
Of course not.
While Lily was busy gossiping and fangirling with Regulus, James truly was watching his son at his parents house. His mum was off visiting her cousin, but his dad had been thrilled to watch the Harry Channel together.
He had laughed with his dad when Harry named Sirius 'Grim' and they laughed the whole time Harry so cheerfully looked for Sirius while loaded to the teeth with weapons.
"Sirius is rather cheerful considering Harry is hunting for him with his own knife," Dad chuckled. "Mad man."
"Thank God one of your sons kept their sanity, eh?" James grinned.
Dad passed him a plate of scones and appeared surprised. "Did they?"
"I'm telling Mum you said that," James warned him. "She'll never accept this slander against her son."
Dad laughed and ignored James' playful threat in favor of turning the telly up when Harry entered the Three Broomsticks.
"I remember my first time there," Dad said wistfully. "Nothing beats your first brew, son."
"Harry's a kid, Dad," James reminded him. "Butterbeer is about the best he'll get."
Fleamont Potter gave James a supremely disapproving look. "Silly me, it must have been a different group of fourteen year old boys I recall finding in the Hogs Head one evening, in a school night, pounding lager like it was their job."
"Probably," James said. He smiled fondly at the memory. They'd been working on the map and decided to treat themselves. James had bribed Aberforth into serving them drinks and then they all dramatically overestimated their tolerance and were pissed by their second pint.
And who had walked in the door? James' dad with one of his coworkers.
James thought he was surely about to be grounded, but Dad had only shook his head and told James that he had gone temporarily blind but that it would be resolved in sixty seconds.
James planned on doing that with his son one day.
James laughed when Tonks (who was brilliant and James already loved her) bought Harry and his friends a round of drinks and Harry immediately paid her for them.
I'm not being indebted to a cop.
"I don't think young Harry is going to follow in your footsteps, will he?" Dad said thoughtfully.
"No." James was glum at the reminder. "He definitely won't be."
Fleamont peered at his son over his glasses and shook his head. "James, do you remember your first letter home to me?"
"No?"
Fleamont smiled gently at James before summoning a parchment from his room. He adjusted his glasses on his nose and scanned the paper with his finger. "Ah, here it is. 'And potions class is soooo boring. It's as bad as history. I hate it. We call the teacher Sluggy.'"
James smiled both at the memory and at the fact that his dad brought the letter with him to the afterlife.
"Can you imagine how I felt to read that my son despised potions? The very thing I worked with?"
James twisted his lips up as he considered it. "Pretty bad, I guess."
"Precisely," Dad said with a nod. He sent the letter back to his room with a wave of his hand before lowering his voice to something more gentle. "It isn't a tragedy that Harry does not wish to follow in your footsteps, son. He's going to be his own man."
"He wants to be Minister," James said. He watched the telly as his son spotted the current Minister, Cornelius Fudge, and made a beeline to him to ask about the dementors removal.
"Minister? A lofty goal!" Dad cried. "Why would you want him to work in the DMLE when he can run the entire country?"
That…
That was a good point.
"You're smarter than Mum gives you credit for," James told his dad happily. "Cheers, Dad."
His dad lifted his eyes up to the ceiling and muttered something undoubtedly rude (but loving) and James turned back to the telly to watch his son play politician.
Except…
Harry wasn't schmoozing up to the minister this time… or at least, not for long…
"I heard all about your actions on Halloween lad, Very brave of you! But you have to be careful, Black is mad. Who knows what kind of dark magic he could have used on you?"
"It was confusing how Black even got in the castle… I thought the dementors would have been able to catch him? Isn't that what they're there for?"
"Oh, he's very good," Dad chuckled. "Much craftier than you, son."
"Isn't he?" James grinned. "Little sneaky snake, he is."
It seemed like Minerva and Flitwick saw through Harry's act to an extent, as Minerva nodded at Harry and Flitwick winked behind the minister's back.
Unfortunately, the minister wouldn't remove the dementors. Which was a damn shame, because they were messing with Harry's moods terribly.
"They are here to protect you all from something much worse... We all know what Black's capable of..."
"Do you know, I still have trouble believing it… Of all the people to go over to the Dark Side, Sirius Black was the last I'd have thought... I mean, I remember him when he was a boy at Hogwarts. If you'd told me then what he was going to become, I'd have said you'd had too much mead."
"Hear, hear!" James and his dad raised their glasses to Rosmerta. "Shame the barmaid's word isn't good enough, but still!"
"Suppose that's because he didn't get your parents killed."
"It was a bit insensitive to say in front of young Harry, considering the view on Sirius…" Dad said slowly with a frown. "I do hope they can reconcile one day."
"Me too," James sighed. He listened and grimaced with his dad while Hagrid began bellowing about the night James died. They were both furious when Hagrid recounted how Sirius had fought to take Harry and that Hagrid had refused 'on Dumbledore's orders'.
"One man does not outweigh legal precedent!" Fleamont scowled. "It was an egregious misappropriation of power!"
"A miscarriage of justice," James nodded.
"Albus should be hung for his crimes!"
That was…
Fair enough.
"I'm... I'm gonna go..."
"And now that damned man has upset my Harry!" Fleamont said hatefully. "On his first trip into the Three Broomsticks!"
James sighed as Harry all but fled from the pub. "That's about par for the course for Harry," he said wearily. "Something good happens then bam! Something terrible." James got to his own feet as he noticed the sun setting through his parents' cottage windows. He hugged his dad, "Give Mum my love," and set off.
"Son?"
James paused in the doorway and glanced at his dad, "Yeah?"
"Our Harry is due for some luck soon."
James forced a grin.
Then dropped it as soon as he closed the door behind him.
He'd been saying that for a while, and yet it never seemed to happen…
James was despondent when he entered his house. He saw Lily look up from the sofa and they shared a look of commiseration.
"What's he doing now?" James asked. He slowly moved over to the sofa and sank down on it with his arms crossed petulantly.
"Venting to Sirius," Lily said flatly.
"Which d'you think is worse Grim- dying or living with people who hated you for seven years?"
James felt a flicker of remorse for Sirius as his thoughts went wild over Harry's confessions, but he felt worse for his son.
"I can tell you a secret though, can't I buddy? Susan told me she loves me, she's my best friend, but I don't even know what that means. Mione and Theo are in love, I guess, and I don't get it either. D'you... d'you think I'm broken, or something? How d'you know if you love someone?"
"He's going to be upset once he finds out that's Sirius…" Lily said quietly.
James' eyes had a familiar sting in them that he tried to blink away. "Yeah," he croaked. "He will."
"I'd kill someone who tried to hurt my friends, but if they tried to hurt me I'd probably kill them too. So do I love them? That doesn't sound like love does it?"
Harry was due for a little luck, and a lot of love.
Neither of which James thought he'd get any time soon.
***
"Oh your Dark Snake Lordiness, what can we do for you?"
"Fred's such a goner," Fabian laughed. He poked James in the side, undoubtedly trying to make him smile. "Cheer up, Jamie, watch Fred crash and burn with your son, eh?"
"Fine." James rolled around a bit and hung his head over the edge of the sofa watch Harry talk with the Weasley twins.
"I'm switching to Fred, it'll be much more enlightening," Gideon said with a waggle of his dark red eyebrows. He stole the remote from Lily and changed the Harry Channel to the Fred Channel.
"Were you guys robbing Honeydukes?"
Harry seems like he would like danger, maybe I should say I did?
James did let out a startled laugh at that, one that Lily didn't share. She sat on the floor by his upside down head and frowned at Fred's thoughts.
"He's too…"
"Gay?" Fabian asked.
"Gryffindor?" Gideon said.
"Funny?" James added.
Lily scoffed. "Old, you twits, I was going to say he's too old for my baby."
"Mark my words, Lily, Fred is going to marry that boy or die trying," Fabian said with a wink. "He's been in love for ages."
"I saw you go in a trapdoor."
I'm going to marry him one day, who cares if I tell him about the map?
"See?!" Fabian roared with laughter while James grinned and Lily's scowl grew. "He's obsessed!"
"Hell of a thing for you to smile about," Lily swatted James chest with her hand. "Harry is a baby."
"How old were you when you first started dating?" Gideon asked her with a knowing smile.
Lily sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. "Twenty," she lied.
"Married at eighteen, a virgin until twenty, beautiful," Fabian said with a swipe beneath his eyes.
"SHUT UP!" James abruptly shrieked. "HARRY HAS THE MAP! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! HE'S GOT IT!!"
Lily ignored the fact that James just told her to shut up in order to read Fred's thoughts as Harry summoned James' silly (and brilliant) map from his hands. She also ignored James' shriek because he looked so ridiculously happy now and it was a good look on her husband. One that had been absent and sorely missed recently.
That is not what I wanted him to use his favor on. But… oooh… look at his smile… Maybe we can explore the castle together?
Lily was not smiling at Fred's sweet thoughts… She… she was frowning. It was an upside down from because her baby was a baby and didn't need some older boy looking at him like… like how James used to look at her.
The twins on the telly stuck their heads together after Harry asked them to explain the map and James did a happy little wiggle dance on the sofa.
"I'm not saying we blackmail the bloke, but we could strike up a good deal here. Losing the map is a real blow, but we can make it work for us."
"What? Like see if he'll go out with me if we tell him the password?"
I don't want to blackmail him into a date… but maybe he'd find it a bit romantic? I wouldn't mind if he blackmailed me…
"Oh he's got it so bad!" James laughed. He punched the air as if this were somehow a personal victory for him.
"I told you!" Fabian said with a wide smile. "Freddie is in loveeeee."
Lily would have reminded them that Fred was just a boy as well, but Fred wasn't helping her cause any.
"No, you bloody moron. I mean for gold, Freddie, for our dream?"
My dream is to marry Harry.
That… that was cute.
"Careful, Lily dear," Fabian wagged a finger at her, "you almost look approving of Fred."
"I am not," Lily said hotly. "He's too… he's too old for Harry!"
"What's wrong with Susan?" James asked her after winking at the Prewett twins.
"She looks too much like me," Lily said.
"And Blaise?" Gideon asked.
"He isn't very consistent in his relationships."
"What about Luna?" Fabian challenged her.
Lily scoffed again. "She's too young."
"AKA, no one will ever be good enough for her baby boy," Fabian said in an annoyingly wise and whimsical voice. "Dully noted, and fully ignored."
"How much will you pay us if we tell you how to work it?" George asked Harry with a last roll of his eyes to his simpering twin.
"Nothing if I can figure it out myself."
"Uh oh…" James whispered.
Uh oh was right.
James edged away from Lily as Harry ran his fingers over the map and words began appearing on it.
Mr Moony bids Potter Junior a good evening and mourns the fact he clearly did not inherit his mother's brains.
"What… the fuck?" Lily breathed just as Harry did on the telly.
The marauders never let me down before…
Couldn't they give me a chance to charm him before they insulted him?! Bastards.
James chuckled nervously. "Guess Fred isn't a fan…"
Neither was Lily.
Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony and would like to add it is not too late for Potter Junior to request a resort.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Lily snapped. She turned and smacked James on the leg, hard. "Why would you say that?!"
"I didn't!" James yelped. "It's a charm, Lils, like portraits! It's just… got a bit of our personalities in it!"
Lily wasn't going to admit the brilliance of that, not when it was being used against her son. "You arrogant toerag!"
"Who the fuck are Moony and Prongs?!"
"Absolute, utter, morons," Lily scowled.
My new personal enemies.
"Mine too," Lily agreed with Fred. She crossed her arms and glared at James. "You moron."
"Yes, dear," he agreed placatingly while the twins snickered at him.
Mr Wormtail wishes Potter Junior a good day and advices him to eat more vegetables if he ever wishes to be taller than a midget.
Mr Padfoot would like to add that it is a shame Potter Junior is just as nearsighted as Potter Senior without half the charm or looks.
Mr Prongs would like to remind Mr Padfoot to watch himself.
"Is this a joke?"
"If it is then it's like many of your father's jokes, rude and not funny," Lily said hotly. "Our poor boy is going to think you hate him, James!"
"It's just a charm," James said again. "Sirius can explain… One day, maybe…"
Lily huffed and swore that she would be having words with James when the twins left. And… and when Fred Weasley was finished flirting with her son.
"It's a real map, mate. We swear."
"Ten galleons and show me how it works."
"Twenty."
"Eight and I don't curse you."
"Ten, you don't curse us, and you go to Hogsmeade with me next month."
"There it is!" Fabian cheered. He conjured them each a champagne flute filled with a sweet bubbling champagne. "Here's to Fred taking his shot!"
"Why would I go to Hogsmeade with you? We aren't even friends."
"And here's to Harry having better taste," Lily said. She raised her glass mockingly to Fabian before taking a sip of the admittedly good champagne.
"We could be. I'm an excellent friend to have."
"Twelve galleons, I don't curse you, and I don't go to Hogsmeade with you."
"Rejected!" Gideon said while George began showing Harry how to use James' brilliant and intricate absolutely stupid and worthless map.
"Brill," Harry sighed as he studied the map.
"Hear that?" James said quietly to Lily. He had a pleased smile on his lips and the return of his happy twinkle in his eyes. "Our son thinks I'm brill."
"He just doesn't know better yet," Lily said with no real heat to her words. She rolled her eyes as James' grin only grew. "I'm brill, you're an idiot."
"Let me know if you change your mind about next month."
"And so is Fred Weasley," Lily said firmly.
James ran his fingers through Lily's hair gently. "Yeah," he whispered. "But if our son is anything like his incredibly brill mother, then he's going to fall in love with the idiot."
How was Lily supposed to be mad at James when he smiled so sweetly and spoke so earnestly?
***
Can you see him, James? Can you? He's amazing.
"I can see him," James assured Sirius quietly. He stood in front of the wall-to-wall tellies and had his attention split between Harry flying on one telly and Sirius watching Harry fly on the other.
It made it feel more normal, watching the game with Sirius on one of the tellies. They'd always planned on going to all of Harry's games together.
They never even considered that Harry wouldn't play quidditch.
James could imagine it just like Sirius could.
They'd tease Harry about having to wear green, but James would secretly have a whole drawer of Slytherin jerseys. Instead of 'Potter' on the back, they'd say 'Potter's Dad'. They'd either sit by Minerva and tease her about missing out on having the best seeker in centuries on her team or they'd sit by Harry's friends and tell embarrassing stories about Harry. At some point, Harry would get a boyfriend or girlfriend, and James would certainly sit with them and list of all the stories about Harry that he could.
He'd cheer for Harry just as Susan did now. He'd wave and beam and he'd sneak the drinks for the after-party to another one of Harry's teammates (so Harry could never tell his mother that James let him drink).
It would have been the best times of James' life.
Instead, Sirius was a fugitive and James was watching the game with all of his friends who could only be there in spirit. Sirius' new thought was right, nothing was the way it should be.
"Harry's an excellent flier," Regulus said from behind James. "Though, I could see him better if you would move."
James laughed a little when he realized that he'd been stuck in his own mopey thoughts and he shuffled away from the telly. "Sorry, mate."
"He was caught up in thoughts of his own glory days," Gideon smirked.
"Yeah," James lied with a smile for his friends' sake. "Afterlife flying just isn't the same."
"Actually it's better, because I'm here," Regulus said brightly. "You're welcome."
Regulus was conceited, but James loved him.
"And we always have perfect weather," Gideon said. He grimaced as another flash of lightning illuminated the sky. "There's a lot of things I miss, but matches in the rain isn't one of them."
"James made us practice in a storm much worse than this once," Dorcas said. She scowled at James, as if still angry over it. Knowing Dorcas, she probably was.
The quidditch players, James, Dorcas, Regulus, and the twins, got into a heated discussion (argument) over different matches played in different weather. Lily, Elaine, and Marlene sat on the floor and watched Harry fly.
Then Lily screamed, which made James whip his head around instantly.
Sirius' thoughts were frantic and Harry's were terrified.
DEMENTORS! SAVE HIM! HARRY!!
Screaming. Mine or hers? Save her. Stop. Please stop. Help me. H—
Lily screamed again as Harry's screen went blank and he was falling… falling…
Falling.
Whoever had the remote, Regulus probably, switched it quickly from Harry's channel to Severus'. James, Lily, and their friends were all frozen and silent as they waited to see the outcome of Harry's fall.
Severus was rushing the field just as a body in the background hit the field.
"Baby…" Lily said with a heavy sob. She stuck a hand out and began making a clenching motion and James slid to the floor beside her and let her grip his forearm as tightly as she wanted.
"Potter, Potter, Harry, wake up, wake up."
"Oh, he loves him," Elaine sighed softly. They watched as Severus got Harry on a stretcher and began rushing him toward the castle. "And there's Susan."
There was Susan. Holding the door open for Severus and looking just as terrified and heartbroken as the rest of them were.
James could never say enough good things about that girl.
Severus rushed Harry to the Hospital Wing with Susan leading the way and opening doors for him. They deposited Harry on the bed and James saw how broken and beaten he was.
"He's breathing," Marlene said gently. She laid a soft hand on James' shoulder. "He'll be fine."
"He hit the ground Poppy. Tell me what to do."
"Stay back. You're no help to me right now."
"If there are any breaks I will fix them. It's important."
James was glad that Susan was there to hold Severus' hand while Poppy got to work on Harry. Poppy tried to kick Susan out, and Severus said she stayed.
James wasn't sure if it was because Severus thought he needed to comfort Susan or because he was absorbing comfort from her in that moment.
Severus was as frantic and his thoughts were as terrified as James'. Severus' thoughts only got more frantic as Poppy began summoning potions and casting spells and he was able to identify the problem that each thing marked.
Traumatic brain injury. Spinal cord injury.
Abdominal tear.
Concussion.
"I hope he bans Harry from flying," Lily sniffled. "It's so dangerous."
"It was the damned dementors," Regulus sneered. "They shouldn't be allowed on the grounds."
James nodded in absent agreement with them both.
The tightening in James' chest loosened, as did Lily's death grip on his arm, after Severus healed Harry's breaks. Poppy revived Harry and assured Severus, Susan, and the eight ghosts in the afterlife, that Harry would wake soon.
And Susan went to work.
"Wake up Harry, you're at Hogwarts. You're okay now. Snape fixed it. Wake up please."
James reached over to grasp Elaine's hand without breaking his view on the Severus channel.
"Thank you," James whispered to her.
He didn't elucidate, but Elaine squeezed his hand so she must have understood anyway.
Harry began gaining some color in his face and he started whispering.
"Stop. Please. Stop."
James groaned and Lily let out a pained whimper.
Susan Bones was made of sturdier stuff though. "Harry, Harry, it's okay, wake up. You're not there, you're here. At Hogwarts. With me, Susan, and Snape."
"She's perfect," Dorcas sighed when Harry stirred to her voice. "A wonderful girl."
"She loves him," Elaine said simply. "Harry is her person and she loves him."
And if Harry was Susan's person, then she was definitely his as well. Harry began panicking when he didn't remember how he got to the Hospital Wing and Susan climbed right in his bed and began exaggerating her breathing for Harry to mimic while she spoke so softly and sweetly to him.
"You fell off your broom. The dementors were on the field and made you fall. Snape tried to slow you down but you still hit the ground. He levitated you to the Hospital Wing. I've been here the whole time. Snape fixed the breaks and you're okay now."
Harry looked at Susan like she was the sun in his current world. Harry might trust Severus, but he loved Susan. He might not know it, he might not understand love, but James knew that Harry loved that girl.
Even Severus recognized how much Harry trusted Susan when she got him to drink a calming drought.
"I'm switching Sirius to Harry," Regulus murmured.
Gideon and Fabian got up and took turns ruffling James' hair. "And we're going to go," Gideon said. "Pop by tomorrow and let us know how Harry is."
"We'll walk you out," Dorcas offered. She dropped a quick kiss to James and Lily's heads. "I'm glad Harry's alright, we'll let you guys watch the recovery in peace."
Regulus leaned backward and tilted his head toward Elaine, "Are we meant to leave as well?"
"No," James said quickly. "You guys can stay."
It wasn't that he didn't want the twins or the girls around, but Regulus was James' best friend and Elaine gave birth to Susan. If he had to choose two people to stay, it would be them.
So the four of them watched as Susan went to the Hospital Wing doors and snapped off at Harry's friends and teammates that he wasn't accepting visitors. Harry was rather focused on his own thoughts and Severus was focused on Harry though, so neither of them noticed Susan getting a package from Hermione until she was back in front of Harry's bed.
"The bad news all at once or save it for later?"
"What more bad news can he take?!" Lily cried out desperately. "How terrible can one kid's life be?!"
James had no idea.
He had no idea what Harry had ever done to deserve the endless outpouring of bad luck and traumatic events happening to him.
Orphaned, abused, homeless… Mentally ill, haunted, miserable…
He just wanted his son to be happy.
It was just so god damned unfair.
As was Susan's news that Slytherin lost and…
"I'm sorry, your broom flew in to the Whomping Willow. It destroyed it Harry."
"Better a broom than him," Elaine said softly.
Harry disagreed.
"But- but it was mine… Draco gave it to me."
"We can buy a new one, Harry. We can order it over break, okay?"
"No need, Sev," Regulus said. "Saint Sirius is buying him a new one."
"Is he?" James turned and saw a peculiar expression on Regulus' face- some mixture of envy and longing.
"That was what he was thinking when I turned his channel to Harry," Regulus said flatly. "He was happy to finally do something useful for his beloved godson."
Regulus got to his feet abruptly as Susan slipped out of the Hospital Wing on the telly.
"I'll see you later, James," he said. "Goodnight."
James sighed as Regulus strut from the room and closed the door firmly behind him.
He couldn't worry about Regulus' hurt feelings at the moment though, because Harry's thoughts were erratic and he was crying.
"It's just a broomstick…" Lily whispered. She inched forward and trailed her fingers on the telly over Harry's head of dark hair. "It's replaceable, baby."
"It's more than the broom," James said. "It's everything."
They were both wrong.
"C-can't you g-get rid of them?" Harry cried while Severus sat on the side of Harry's bed and allowed Harry to cry on his shoulder.
James was glad Severus was there. Severus was a comforting presence for Harry. Harry trusted him and Severus seemed to never struggle for the right things to say in moments like that.
But damn if James didn't wish it was him.
He asks for nothing. Ever. And now he asks for the one thing I likely cannot give him.
God damn you, Sirius Black.
"Couldn't Sirius just reach out to Amy?" Elaine suggested quietly.
James shrugged. "I don't know. He could try though…"
"He could do anything at all," Lily snarled while she kept stroking the telly in an effort to feel closer to their son.
'He could do anything at all' seemed to be the running mantra for Sirius and Remus, in James' opinion.
Useless bastards.
"I h-hate them. Every t-time I was so d-damn w-weak, they bring up."
"I know, I know. They will not be here forever. You are doing so well Harry."
Not Severus. Severus sat there and rubbed Harry's back and spoke softly to him until Harry cried himself to sleep on his shoulder. Severus was doing something.
Severus might be the only damn adult in Harry's world that wasn't a useless bastard.
As much as James wanted to go comfort Regulus the next few days, or go see the twins and let their optimism and jokes comfort him, he stayed home with Lily to watch Harry.
Harry was, as was becoming all too familiar, utterly miserable. He wasn't sleeping. He was barely eating. He was hardly functioning, and everyone could see it.
His friends were concerned and were flocking around him.
Severus was concerned and was trying (and failing) to get the dementors removed.
Sirius paced around outside, concerned, and thought about how to help Harry.
James was concerned and so useless that it was nearly painful.
Lily was hiding her frantic worry over their son's increasing despondency by encouraging his friends.
"What did you think that thing Luna said to Sev meant?" Lily asked James the first night Severus authorized a sleepover in Harry's dorm.
"I don't care," James said waspishly. "Who cares?"
"Excuse me," Lily said cooly, narrowing those green eyes at him unhappily. "You're not the only one worried."
James wasn't. Lily was also worried. And they were a team.
"Sorry," James said shamefaced. He wrapped Lily up in his arms and transfigured their sofa into a snug bed for them to lay on. "I just hate this."
"I do too," Lily said, her voice muffled slightly by James' chest. "It'll get better, love, it has to."
Lily was wrong again.
It just got worse.
***
I'm tired. Cold. Worthless. Pathetic. Weak.
I don't even have to be here.
Who would care?
Nobody.
The same as always.
"Luna would," Lily told her miserable baby. He was slumped on a sofa in the Slytherin common room with Luna laying on him, staring blankly at the wall while his thoughts swirled. It was the first day of Christmas break and Harry refused to enjoy it.
Or, probably more accurately, Harry couldn't enjoy it.
"Wanna play chess?"
"No."
"We could go flying? Draco left his broom for you."
"No."
"What do you want to do today?"
Harry glared at his friends who were left in the castle, Hermione, Ron, Theo, Luna, and began to worry that their pitying looks meant they were realizing how 'weak' he was.
"They're just trying to help, baby," Lily told Harry. Her heart was breaking as Harry withdrew from his friends further and further into his own unhappiness.
James watched as Harry threw his invisibility cloak over his head and stormed from the room. "He doesn't want help."
He needed it though.
Harry stormed through the empty castle toward the front door, his thoughts as dark as the look in his eyes were, and Lily wished he would bump into Sev.
Sev could take him to that playground again. Or take him to Spinner's End for the holiday. Or… or anything.
Anything aside from letting Harry stew in his dementor-induced misery.
People only liked me when I'm strong, powerful, confident.
Nobody likes a pathetic, sniveling, disappointment.
Except for Grim.
Grim always likes me.
"Sirius would be so good for Harry if he could be there…" Lily mused quietly. Harry told Sirius how food didn't even taste good anymore and Lily's eyes flicked to Sirius' channel to see him worry about Harry's health and push a chicken leg to him.
"No thanks, Grim, I gotta eat at least a couple bites at dinner or Snape'll be shoving bloody nutrition potions down my throat."
Sirius yipped and stuck his tongue out at Harry, trying to get him to smile. It didn't work for Harry, but it did for Lily. It was nice, seeing Sirius put forth such an effort even in dog form.
What was not nice, was listening to Harry vent to Sirius…
"I haven't been sleeping good… I can't stop all these thoughts, ya know? And they wake me up at night. My shields don't work. And I'm worried if I push too hard on the shields I'll lose my magic again. Then I'll just be worthless, yeah? My magic? It's all I have. When my Aunt and Uncle shoved me in that cupboard and I was sore and scared and weak- I still had my magic. I was special. I was strong. It didn't matter that they called me a freak, I knew being a freak was better than not being special."
You'd be special even if you were a squib, Sirius thought.
He also thought a lot about how if he could clear his name then he may as well kill Petunia and Vernon. Another thing that made Lily smile to imagine.
"Even If Sirius clears his name and doesn't just kill Peter, then Harry's going to hate him," James said glumly while Harry whispered all his woes to Sirius on the telly. "He's going to feel betrayed that he said all those things to him. He doesn't even talk to Sev or Susan like this…"
Lily hummed and thought over the riddle that Luna gave Sev that James disregarded entirely.
You see the problem, but you can't find the answer. You won't find the answer. Not alone. All three of you need help. One of you can't get results without the others. You see it, don't you?
Some way, some how, Lily thought that Sirius and Harry would find their way together.
Sirius, Harry, and Sev though? Well, even Lily couldn't see how that would work out. If anyone could accomplish bringing two long-time foes together though, it would be her baby.
***
James was sitting in front of the telly wrapped in a comforting quilt. The telly lights on the Harry Channel were the only thing illuminating the dark room.
James wasn't crying, but he would if he could.
He did have a corner of the blanket shoved in his mouth to keep from crying out as he watched his son slam his fist into the stone walls over and over again.
He didn't want to wake Lily. One of them watching this was bad enough.
"You're so—"
WHAM!
"fucking—"
WHAM!
"stupid!"
WHAM!
Harry examined his broken and bleeding hand with an unhealthy detachment.
Now the outside matches the inside- broken and worthless.
James wished Severus would just force Harry to see the mind healer. Anything to fix the horrible mindset Harry had.
It was as if James were being struck in the chest every time Harry hit the wall and he felt Harry's genuine misery swell.
Where the hell was Severus or Minerva when Harry needed them? Even Albus wouldn't just stand there while Harry abused himself.
"Harry?"
James spit out the blanket so he could curse. Remus was the last person Harry needed at the moment.
James hesitated for a moment with the remote in his hands before he flicked the channel over to Remus.
If Remus was going to piss him off, it would be best to at least see what the hell was going through his mind when he did it.
"Come on now, you aren't safe out here in the middle of the night like this Harry."
Says the werewolf to the budding psychopath…
The worst part was, James couldn't even hit the telly without waking up Lily. He settled for growling while Harry scoffed and Remus stuck his wand right in Harry's face.
"It's going to be less safe if you don't get your wand out of my face."
Maybe that's what Harry needed, a good spat to drive some life in him. He sounded much more like himself than he had in over a week in that moment.
Remus apologized and reminded Harry that he couldn't actually see where his face was; neither Harry nor James was interested in his logic. Harry did yank the cloak off his head after a moment though.
"There, happy?" Harry sneered.
Probably a bad time to remind him that I'm a professor and deserve a modicum of respect…
"I dare you," James whispered to Remus coolly. "Bloody prat."
"Not in the slightest. I am pleased to see your face though. The portraits were worried there was a new foul mouthed ghoul haunting the corridors at night."
"And you thought you'd go roaming around to find it?"
God, he looks like Severus when he sneers like that…
Did Harry mimic Severus' visual disgust pretty damn well? Yeah.
Did James privately believe that those expressions fit Severus' angular face better than they did Harry's? Obviously.
James was a lot of things, blind want one of them.
… not with his glasses on, anyway.
"Come along, let's go discuss your punishment in a more private setting."
"No."
God damn, why did nobody seem to understand that Harry did not want to be left alone with adult men who were not Severus?!
Wha… Predator. Jesus Christ.
"I would like to speak with you, away from nosy portraits. How can I do that without making you worry about being alone with me?"
James would not give Remus credit for finally understanding that Harry was terrified of him.
James would give Remus no credit for approximately twelve years, at least.
Harry ordered Remus to vow it, which Remus did, to James' surprise. Unbreakable Vows weren't really something to be taken lightly, no matter how much Harry clearly counted on them as a first choice option.
Remus' thoughts were sparse as he led Harry to his office and invited him to take a seat. James was bitterly amused to see him chanting to himself to 'not mess this up'.
If Regulus were there, James would bet 100 galleons that Remus would mess it up.
First thing first…
"Are you hurt?"
Harry looked awfully startled for a kid who had just been abusing himself so terribly. "No? Why would I be?"
He's joking, right…?
"I'm pretty sure that was your fist hitting the castle walls, wasn't it? Werewolf ears are good for some things you know."
James rolled his eyes as Remus tried to use his lycanthropy to convince Harry to like him. He'd had his chance, for twelve bloody years, and fucked it all up.
Harry didn't seem all that impressed with Remus. He flexed his, incredibly broken and mangled looking hand, and shook his head, denying it was injured.
Thankfully, Remus did the bare minimum and cajoled Harry into fixing it by carefully threatening to involve Severus.
James then clicked on the second telly and switched it to Harry when Remus offered Harry a drink and Harry simply accepted it with no questions asked.
Harry hardly accepted potions from Severus without half a dozen questions first.
It doesn't taste like poison… Harry thought with a flash of disappointment in his eyes as he sipped the drink.
Lily may be a wonderful mother, but James was a terrible father. In moments like that, when Harry was so depressed that he had been hoping a cuppa would kill him, James couldn't help but imagine having Harry with him.
Harry without his mental illness plaguing him.
Harry without the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Harry free to fly and laugh and talk and do anything he wanted with James and Lily by his sides.
He wanted Harry to be happy- he was beginning to not care in what world he found that happiness in.
What kind of father thinks their kid would be better off dead?
James hated himself sometimes for the terrible things that he couldn't help but think of.
"You know I get sick quite a bit like you are as well."
"You're a werewolf, I think that's different."
"No. I mean, yes, I'm a werewolf. But I get sick other times as well."
"Congrats."
James huffed quietly when Harry thought:
I don't give a damn about his immune system.
James presumed, based on Remus' thoughts about trying to open up with Harry and see if it would get him to open up with him, that Remus was talking about his own depressive episodes. Harry thought he meant physical illness.
It would be funnier if the circumstances weren't so sad.
Remus mentioned the dementors, and Harry's interest was piqued.
"I get cold, and tired, and I stop caring about anything going on. My body aches and I feel miserable."
James silently gave Remus one point for discussing depression with Harry.
He was currently at negative twelve hundred and eight six though.
James didn't think he had a chance in hell at winning any prizes.
James also took the single point back when Remus mentioned that it was a mental illness, not physical, that Harry was suffering from and Harry immediately withdrew.
"Just because you're crazy doesn't mean I am."
"It doesn't mean crazy, son," James whispered pleadingly. "It's just like the flu, something that needs treatment."
Or, more accurately in Harry's case, it was more like Dragon Pox or cancer like Lily's dad had; something that left untreated would kill him.
Which Remus also said, much to James' chagrin.
"This doesn't have to be so crushing."
James gave Remus a third of a point as Harry immediately felt as if he were able to put a word to his feelings. Then Harry sneered and scoffed at Remus again, which brought a faint smile to James' face.
"No offense, Professor, but I don't think I'd talk to you, would I?"
He must think I'm rather thick as often as he works to ensure I know he dislikes me.
"Of course you wouldn't. But perhaps your friends? Or Professor Snape? Someone you trust?"
Just… anyone, Harry. Anyone at all. You're imploding.
"No. I can't."
Remus' thoughts were centered around Harry's declining health. Harry's were centered around his fear of his friends leaving him if they knew how 'weak' he was.
"You know if you ever wanted to talk with me, I would keep what you said in confidence. I know I let you down before—
Mistake number thirty-seven with this kid.
—but I think you and I have quite a lot in common."
Harry looked skeptical and disbelieving, James was thoughtful.
Harry resembled Sirius the most, personality wise. Aside from the mental illness, they were both rough around the edges, loyal to the end, and charismatic and powerful wizards. But…
But who knew depressive episodes more than Remus?
James had done quite a bit of research once, secretly, on moods and their cycles. It was how he came to discover that the days that Lily was the most curt with him immediately proceeded the week that he would slip pain relieving potions and little chocolates in her bag.
It was also how he began to piece together Remus' depressive cycles with the moon cycle. Even back when Remus had friends to run with, Remus was always depressed at least 3-6 days before the full moon.
So, yeah, Remus could be a decent person for Harry to discuss his depression with. If Harry didn't despise him due to all the poor choices Remus made before then.
Because Harry wasn't interested and James doubted he'd ever see Remus as a source of support.
"Am I being punished, sir, or can I go to bed?"
"You're not being punished."
"Brill."
Harry was thinking how little he had in common with Remus as Remus was considering how much the two of them had in common.
Speak up or shut up?
What would James want me to do?
"Go get Severus," James said sarcastically, yet genuinely.
"I'm a monster. Once a month, every month, for the rest of my life; I turn in to an actual, horrifying, terrible monster. I don't get close to people anymore because what's the point? They'll find out what I am and they'll be disgusted and they'll regret ever meeting me. You're worried Severus would be disgusted at your thoughts, that he'd think you're a monster? I don't think he would Harry."
How… how did he know that's how I feel?
Harry narrowed his eyes at Remus and thought about how little he wanted the man to know anything private about him.
"You think being a werewolf makes you a monster?"
James was on the edge of his figurative seat and was clutching the blanket tightly in his fingers as Harry looked prepared to unload on Remus.
"The wolf doesn't make you a monster. All the other stuff you did, or didn't do, that makes you a monster. Just like the things I did make me one."
James' face crumpled along with Remus' pitiful thoughts on Harry's self-image.
He wanted someone to remind Remus that his inactions were just as shitty as his actions, but he'd have preferred it to not be in a self-loathing rant from his son. The reminder didn't even register with Remus, he was more focused on the rest of Harry's matter-of-factly spoken statement.
"You aren't a monster Harry."
Sentimental fool.
"'Kay."
Harry's thoughts filled with self-hatred so strong it made James' chest ache fiercely and the air stick in his lungs. Remus' thoughts were still plenty pitying for Harry, except now they carried some intense self-hatred as well.
James wasn't heartless. He could feel empathy welling in him for Remus' bitter thoughts and a small bit of appreciation at his attempt of reaching out to Harry. But all of the empathy in James' body went to his son.
As always.