The next few days of Diwali vacation passed, but not in the way I had imagined.
There were lights everywhere. Decorations, sweets, family gatherings, laughter… everything that usually makes Diwali feel special.
But for me, something was missing.
Or maybe… someone.
No matter what I was doing, no matter where I was, my mind kept going back to one thing.
His profile.
That small blue "Follow" button.💙
And the question that refused to leave me alone—
"Should I send it… or not?"
At first, I tried to ignore it.
I told myself it wasn't important. That it was just a social media request. That it didn't mean anything.
But deep down, I knew…
It meant everything to me.
Every night before sleeping🌃, I would open his profile.📱
Just look at it.
Not liking anything.
Not reacting.
Just… observing.
His picture.❤️
His username.
Even the smallest details felt important.
It felt strange.
I had never talked to him properly.
But here I was… staring at his profile like it meant something more.
Like he meant something more.
One evening, while everyone at home was busy preparing for Diwali celebrations, I quietly sat in my room with my phone in my hand.
The same screen.
The same button.
The same confusion.
My thumb hovered over the "Follow" option.
I could send it in one second.
Just one tap.
That's all it would take.
But my heart started racing.
"What if he doesn't accept?"
"What if he ignores it?"
"What if he thinks something weird?"
"What if… he doesn't even remember me?"
I pulled my hand back.
Again.
Just like before.
I sighed and threw my phone on the bed.
"Why is this so difficult?" I whispered to myself.
It was such a small thing.
People send requests all the time.
So why did it feel so big to me?
That night, I called my best friend again.
"I still haven't sent it," I said.
She groaned immediately.
"You're still thinking about it??"
"I don't know what to do," I replied honestly.
"It's just a request," she said. "You're not proposing to him."
I laughed a little.
"I know… but still…"
"Listen," she said, a little more seriously now. "If you don't send it, nothing will happen. If you send it… at least there's a chance."
That sentence stayed with me.
"A chance."
That's all I needed.
Not a guarantee.
Just… a chance.🤞🏻
After that day, I finally gathered the courage to send him a request. My hands were literally shaking when I pressed the follow button. It felt like such a small thing, but for me… it meant everything. For a few seconds, I just stared at the screen, my heart beating so fast. But within moments, fear took over. "What if he doesn't accept?" "What if he ignores it?" Without thinking much, I quickly cancelled the request. I didn't even give him time to see it. I sat there, feeling both relieved and disappointed at the same time. The next day, I tried again. This time, I told myself I wouldn't cancel it. I pressed follow… waited for a few minutes… kept checking my phone again and again. But there was no response. My mind started overthinking again. "Maybe he saw it and ignored it." "Maybe he doesn't want to accept." And once again, I cancelled it. This became a pattern. Sending… waiting… overthinking… cancelling. I don't even remember how many times I did it. Maybe three times. Maybe four. Every time, I thought this would be the last time… but it never was. And slowly, I started realizing something. He never accepted it. Not even once. That truth hurt more than I expected. It wasn't rejection directly… but it felt like one. After that, I stopped trying from my own account. But I still couldn't stop myself from wanting to see him somehow. So I did something I never thought I would do. I sent requests to some of his classmates. Two… three… maybe four people from his class. And through their profiles… I started watching him. Not directly. Not openly. But from a distance… again. One day, I followed a girl from his class. I didn't think much at that time. But later, when I saw her story… everything changed for a moment. It was his birthday. And she had posted a picture with him. They were standing together… posing… smiling. And they looked… close. Not too much. But enough for my heart to feel something heavy. For a second, I just stared at the screen. That one picture kept repeating in my mind. "Are they more than friends?" "Does he like her?" I didn't know what to think. And honestly… it made me feel really sad. A kind of sadness I couldn't explain to anyone. But after some time, I tried to calm myself down. "No… they're just friends," I told myself. "It's his birthday… everyone posts stories like that." "Even I would do the same." I kept repeating these thoughts again and again, trying to convince myself. Trying to feel okay again. And slowly… I did. Not completely. But enough to smile again. Enough to believe that maybe… it didn't mean what I thought it did. But still… somewhere deep inside… that moment stayed. Quietly. Like a small doubt I couldn't fully ignore. 💫
Somewhere in the middle of all this overthinking, silent checking, and trying to find him through others, the Diwali vacation slowly came to an end. The lights, the celebrations, the laughter—all of it started fading away, and reality began to come back again. School was about to start.🏫 And with that thought, something inside me shifted. It wasn't sudden, but it was strong enough to make me stop and think properly for the first time in a long while. Almost six months of my 10th had already passed, and now only six months were left. Just six months. After that, everything would change. My boards would come, his 12th would end, and he would leave. That realization hit me differently this time. Not like before, when it only made me emotional—but this time, it made me aware. Aware of my priorities. Aware of my future. Board exams were not just "another exam." They actually mattered. For my studies, for my career, for everything ahead. And somewhere in between all of this, I realized something else too—how much time and energy I had been spending thinking about him. Waiting, watching, overthinking… and still, nothing had really changed. He never accepted my request. Not even once. That truth, which I had been avoiding, finally felt clear. He ignored it. Again and again. And no matter how many times I tried, the result stayed the same. I couldn't change it. I couldn't force anything. And maybe… I wasn't supposed to. That day, I opened my phone again, looked at his profile one last time, and quietly cancelled the request. This time, not because I was scared. But because I understood. There was a difference. I sat there for a while, just staring at my screen, and then I made a decision I never thought I would make so soon—I decided to delete my Instagram. It felt like the right thing to do. Not because I didn't want to see him anymore, but because I needed to focus on myself. On my studies. On my boards. On something that actually depended on me. Something I could control. Deleting the app wasn't easy. My fingers paused for a second before pressing uninstall. It felt like I was letting go of something important. Something that had become a part of my daily routine. But still, I did it. And just like that… that chapter ended. When school started again after Diwali vacation, everything felt a little different. Not outside—everything looked the same. Same classrooms, same corridors, same noise. But inside me, something had changed. I had decided to ignore everything. Or at least, try to. I knew one thing clearly now—he would never accept me. And I couldn't do anything about it. That thought hurt, but at the same time, it gave me a strange kind of clarity. So I stopped. I stopped going to the terrace during recess. I stopped standing in the lobby just to see him. I stopped looking for him intentionally. I tried to focus on my classes, my notes, my studies. My best friend noticed it, of course. "You've changed," she said one day. "A little," I replied. She didn't say much after that. Maybe she understood. Or maybe she knew there was no point asking more. Days passed like this. Slowly, quietly. At first, it was difficult. Really difficult. My eyes would automatically search for him out of habit. My mind would drift back to those old moments.🥺 But every time, I reminded myself—*focus*. Little by little, it became easier. Not completely easy… but manageable. I didn't see him as often anymore. Not because he wasn't there—but because I had stopped looking. Sometimes, I would still catch a glimpse of him in the parking area. Just for a second. And in those moments, my heart would still react. Just a little. But this time, I tried to ignore it. I looked away. Walked ahead. Pretended like it didn't matter. It wasn't easy pretending. But I tried. Every single time. And like this… days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Almost two months had passed after Diwali vacation. Two months of trying to move on. Two months of controlling myself. Two months of pretending that everything was normal. And honestly… I had started to believe it too. That maybe I was finally over it. That maybe I had moved on. That maybe… it was just a phase. But life has a strange way of surprising you. Just when you think everything is under control… something unexpected happens. Something you never planned for. Something you never saw coming. And after those two months… something like that happened. Something I had never expected. 💫