It's been three weeks since I pondered puking water.
And my answer to this is simple.
FUCK IT! FUCK THIS WORLD! FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK YOUR MOM! FUCK YOUR DAD! FUCK MY GRANDFATHER! FUCK THEM, FUCK THE EVERYTHING! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK MY PAIN! FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE EVERYTHING AND I HATE THIS RAIN AND I HATE MY BODY AND MY WEAPONS AND EVERYTHING AND FUUUUCK!
I put my baby little fist in my mouth and bite it like some kind of baby with no self control, because that's what I am. And FUCK!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!
FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK!
Without any hesitation, I get down into a plank position, right there in the middle of the street, rain falling on me, and I start cranking up pushups, more and more pushups, I don't fucking stop, not like I can, I'm starting to get really fucking worried after all.
Worried about what? Oh! About the pain rising in my body, because OF COURSE, MY PAIN DECIDED TO GET WORSE!
Yes yes of course. Otherwise it's not funny.
Okay. Okay. Don't ask me why I DON'T KNOW!
I just know it's worse, it climbed at 106% yesterday, I'm going to go fucking crazy, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW!?
I don't know I don't know. But I'm panicking, I'm panicking I think, and I've been training way more than necessary to compensate, it helps but I'm still worried, I don't like this, I don't like what's happening, I don't know about this shit, I don't want to hurt more and then there's the war and the weakness and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE!
Okay. Okay. Do you want to know when this started?
I'll tell you.
It started three weeks ago.
After my brothel expedition.
I went home. Pretty depressed, I didn't know what to do, and my only real strategies was to find a crazy fucking two thousand IQ plan I CAN'T find with a two years old brain, or, to get stronger, marginally stronger.
Both had time limits. And both were making me terribly anxious.
Nonetheless I managed to sleep.
And...I found something weird the next day.
My body...felt a bit weird.
A bit similar to what happened the first time after I puked water, but, it wasn't a good change it was...
Uh.
It hurted me more than before.
My pain was worse than before.
And I started panicking pretty heavily after I noticed that it WASN'T going away, it WASN'T GOING AWAY, it's as if my pain threshold was climbing up.
And this?
This?
Hell nah.
I can't accept it.
So with a fire under my ass, I started training my flow again.
I trained like I did before. For hours and hours, figuring out new cool tricks with my magic that made me stronger and stronger, I found a lot of new tricks, like making me look bigger and taller, or how to make my hands look empty even if I'm holding my crossbow.
Always testing on myself, so never did it on other people yet. But there was potential here.
And I've been improving real well, real fast, and everything was going perfectly. I've been training, I've found strategies, and even if I couldn't stress test them just yet, I had more tools to play with, and even some that could help me improve in close quarter.
I've been worried about my improvement, real worried, because I heard my grandfather talk about hunting, and worms.
So I stopped hunting for now, because, well, I was worried about dying. But seeing that I could improve my illusions even alone in my room, even if I needed to train for dozen hours everyday.
It was great, and it reassured me immensely, like IMMENSELY, could almost sleep without a kunai.
Everything was going perfect! I could even feel out my flow more! I also figured out the weird thing that happened to my flow in the brothel.
It moves. A bit. Whenever I get in the flow and slide forward, my magic escapes my body and infect the ground under me, it's as if I was a snail letting out traces of slime under my feet, slime that imbues the ground and then do, whatever, I don't know yet.
But I was getting closer to figuring that out.
The problem started one week later, when the small amount of pain that was above my baseline...got worse
Yeah.
It did.
If after the first day my pain threshold was at like 101%
One week later? It was at 103%
And it still. Didn't. Dropped down.
Whatever I did, it got worse and worse NO MATTER WHAT I DID, MEDITATION, TRAINING, MOVING MY FLOW AROUND! IT ALWAYS GOT WORSE IN THE END!
The only things that calmed it down was training physically, yes, of course, like usual. But that's temporary, always temporary, why is it always temporary!?
The only thing that wasn't so temporary was puking water.
....
But NAH NAH, I'M NOT GONNA PUKE WATER! WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!
I don't CARE about a little bit more pain, maybe it's not a bad thing? Maybe it's just my body trying to figure out a way to heal? You know? Getting worse before getting better? Doesn't matter that it's been three weeks already and it never got better once. My problem is...magic related, so of course it's a bit weirder, but it doesn't mean it's not getting better somehow, I just need some time, and everything is fine. And see? I'm still doing pushups, and it's helping fine, I just need to do more pushups and everything will be fine.
I. Don't. Need. To. Puke. Water.
And YES I'm in a time limit and time limit this and time limit that and the war! NOBODY FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE WAR, NOBODY! I DIDN'T SAW ANY SIGN OF THE WAR, THE ONLY WAR THAT EXIST IS THE ONE INSIDE MY VILLAGE! WAR MY ASS! DO I REALLY HAVE A TIMELIMIT!?BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN SAW ONE ENEMY SOLDIER!
Getting off the dirty street and wiping my hands on my cloak I turn around and look at the rainy sky, this fucking bitch.
It's as if the entire world is throwing me signs.
It's telling me, oh! Nebe! You need to puke water, you'll be able to improve faster if you do, that's how you figured out your illusions!
Oh nebe! Your pain is SUDDENLY getting worse and worse day by day, you should really puke water again considering that it's the ONLY thing that calmed your pain for a while!
Oh nebe! Oh nebe! You don't have time, there's a fucking war, oh nebe, oh nebe! FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU ALL! FUCK MY PAIN! FUCK THIS FAKE ASS WAR, I'M SURE I'M NOT EVEN IN A FUCKING TIME LIMIT!
IT'S SOME BULLSHIT, SOME PROPAGANDA MADE BY MY GRANDFATHER TO GET CONTROL OVER THE VILLAGE!
SO SHUT UP! I'LL DEAL WITH EVERYTHING MYSELF! I HAVE THE TIME, I DON'T NEED TO PUKE WATER, I GOT THE TIME.
I'VE SEEN. NO! FUCKING! SIGN! OF! THIS! TIME! LIMI-!
The world has a funny way to slap you back on the ground. Sometimes you're so wrong you get ashamed, or sometimes proof of your mistakes stare right back at you. Sometimes, you need to eat the dirt to gain sanity, to do the hard things.
I genuinely believe, that today, if I didn't saw this, I would have never changed and grew up.
What, is, that?