Seeing Kazuma's expression, that messy mix of admiration and disgust, Kōichi's grin widened even further.
He dusted off his hands as if he had just finished conducting a flawless symphony, then strolled over to Kazuma with the calm arrogance of a seasoned master.
"What's wrong, Kazuma? Backing off already?" Kōichi bumped him with his shoulder, his tone full of malicious provocation. "Look at me. You call me beyond saving, but at least I have the guts to face my own heart, and I already succeeded in making the kingdom's Crusader kneel on the ground and beg me to humiliate her. What do you call that? Initiative! That's a man's spirit!"
Kōichi raised a hand and pointed at Megumin, who was standing not far away clutching her staff, her face bright red, her eyes swinging wildly between wanting to blow the two of them to pieces and having no idea what to do.
"And you, Kazuma?" Kōichi lowered his voice, each word like a barbed hook digging into the most vulnerable part of his pride. "Are you really going to spend your whole life hiding behind that self-deceiving excuse about carrying her home? Being a coward who can only think she's cute in secret, and still needs an excuse just to talk to her? Or are you ready to become the kind of loser who watches the girl he likes get snatched away by some other guy, though to be fair there aren't many normal men in this town, and can only hide in the stable drinking cheap booze and crying?"
"W-who are you calling a loser?! Who said I like her?!" Kazuma growled in a low voice like a feral cat that had just had its tail stepped on, but his darting eyes had already completely sold him out.
"Then prove it." Kōichi flashed a devilish smile and gave him a shove, just enough to send him staggering several steps toward Megumin. "Go on, Kazuma. Show me the same energy you had when you were accusing me of being a lolicon. If you do not even have the courage to hold a normal conversation with that chuunibyou girl, then you're going to spend the rest of your life growing old alone to the sound of Aqua crying. Is that really the future you want?"
Kazuma steadied himself and took a deep breath. In his previously listless eyes, a tiny spark of stubborn fire actually flared to life. He shot Kōichi a fierce glare over his shoulder and muttered under his breath,
"Damn it... Kōichi, you really are a devil who toys with people's hearts! I'll settle this with you when I get back!"
With that, Kazuma marched toward Megumin like a man heading off to war, neck stiff, every step awkward and heavy.
Kōichi shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned lazily against the crooked tree, watching Kazuma walk up to Megumin. First Kazuma scratched his head, then rubbed his nose, and finally forced out a line so awful Kōichi nearly burst out laughing from a distance.
"H-hey, Megumin! Um... about tomorrow's Explosion Magic, if you beg me, I guess I could consider carrying you back again! Also, your startup for Explosion Magic is way too slow. You've got none of the aura you'd expect from the Crimson Demon Clan's number one genius!"
Leaning against the tree, Kōichi had been getting ready to enjoy an inspiring little romance called Springtime of a Hopeless Boy, but the way events unfolded was more like a carriage with failed brakes plunging straight into Axel's moat.
Megumin froze.
The instant she heard Kazuma say her startup was too slow, the blush on her cheeks turned instantly into the red glow of fury.
Her staff, set with a massive manatite, carved a sharp arc through the air. With a clean thunk, it smacked Kazuma square on the crown of his head.
"You vulgar fool whose mind is full of nothing but panties and Eris! How dare you make reckless comments about the ritual of ultimate magic!" Megumin planted one hand on her hip and pointed her staff at Kazuma, who had crouched down clutching his head. Her pose was so chuunibyou it practically glowed. "That was not slow! It was resonance, allowing the mana in the atmosphere to acknowledge my majesty! Since you have so thoroughly desecrated the art of Explosion Magic, from this day on, you are dismissed! Satou Kazuma, you are no longer my follower, nor do you possess the qualification to bear my glory! Go cling to your shallow theories and grow old alone in the stable!"
Kazuma trudged back to Kōichi, shoulders slumped and steps unsteady.
That tiny spark of fighting spirit that had flared up inside him had been extinguished so completely not even ash was left. His whole body radiated the kind of defeated gloom that made it seem like the world might as well end.
He looked up at Kōichi, his eyes filled with grievance. "So this is what you call conquest, Kōichi? I talked to her just like you told me to, and not only did I lose my job as her follower, I nearly got a concussion from that brat's staff. Forget being a loser. I'm not even that. I'm just a straight-up failure at life."
Looking at Kazuma's on-the-verge-of-tears face, Kōichi fought back the urge to howl with laughter and patted him on the shoulder.
"Don't say that, Kazuma. At least you proved one thing. Megumin really is the sort of ruthless person who can attack without hesitation even when facing the boy she likes, self-proclaimed or otherwise. Isn't that a charm point of its own?"
"Charm my ass! That staff is solid! Solid!" Kazuma shouted in grief.
Just then, Darkness, who had been running laps with a huge basket on her back, suddenly stopped and hurried over, panting hard, her face twisted into an expression that was somehow both sympathetic and excited.
"Um... Kazuma, while being humiliated in public by your companions and stripped of your position is certainly... mm, certainly enviable, if you really do feel bad about it, I could let you share half of my luggage-rack position. We could be written together on Kōichi-sama's posters..."
"Shut up! You hopeless pervert of a knight!" Kazuma finally found an outlet and roared at Darkness.
At the same time, Aqua had taken advantage of the chaos and already slipped her hand into the pocket of Kōichi's coat hanging from the tree branch, muttering under her breath, "Now's my chance... as long as I get this stack of money, I can buy that fifty-year-aged bottle of Goddess's Tears, and then maybe I'll forgive those two sadistic jerks..."
Kōichi caught her wrist in a flash and gave her a smile uglier than crying. "Aqua-sama, if you want to buy booze, I actually have a better idea. Luna told me there's a mansion where eerie laughter keeps echoing out, and I'm pretty sure that means the spirits there are missing a banquet-entertainment Goddess to perform Nature's Beauty for them. If you go there tonight and perform all night long, I'll consider buying you some alcohol. How about it?"
Aqua's face turned deathly pale on the spot. "Huh? G-ghosts? No way! I hate those gross things the most! I'm a Goddess. How could I possibly go perform for ghosts?! Kōichi, you devil! Let go of me! Waaahhh!"