Hey, Kid.
Hey there, Folks.
How have you all been?
Good, I hope, as always.
As for me?
Hmm.
Just fine, I believe, lol.
The week has come to an end, so thank god for that!
But, Kid...
This war...
Why are we here again?
Why can't you... -clears throat- US humans just get along?
What about living and eating and breathing alongside each other is so hard? So complicated?
Mayhap I am just a fool...
Mayhap I am just too small to see the bigger picture beyond myself.
I just think that it could all be so much easier if we just learned to love one another.
Yeah?
I am Black.
African American.
F.B.A.
Whatever other title the world has for me.
What does that change?
What about that, about me, does that matter so much that someone should hate me?
I don't understand racism, but alas, just as we can't appeal to what is not within someone, it is not for us to understand what we don't have the moral alignment to, you know?
I love and let love.
I live and let live.
I do my best not to judge.
I do my best to be a kind and honest human... -clears throat- person.
Please, Kid... Please follow my example.
I am far from perfect, but I am morally sound, and I love and live and act with integrity.
Do that.
That is all I will ever ask of you.
You as well, Folks.
Be kind.
How hard can that be?
What does it cost?
What do you lose by not doing it?
I love and appreciate all of you.
More than you could ever imagine.
I will see you back here soon enough, yeah?
Enjoy.
(Powers up the Slappery-Slappish-Slappington 3000.1, wishing that I could go back with the ability actually to change things instead of just speculate...)
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May 5th, 2022.
-----
Dear You.
How have you been?
Good, I hope.
Me?
Not so sure yet.
8 years is a long time to invest in a human...
Not "wasted time."
I've learned so much... So, so much.
So many lessons.
I... A part of me wishes we could have made it work...
But that part of me is the same fractured part that also wishes she was in love with me.
She wasn't.
So we are no longer we.
She is she.
I am me...
Solo.
It is not that I want her back or want to be with her.
I don't.
That changed when she told me... Confirmed for the last time that she was not in love with me...
That was the last straw for me.
I just need to stop worrying about her. She is just fine. I need to cut her vines and roots out of my life, heart, mind.
It is hard when you have been with, slept next to, cared for, and lived for one person.
It is hard after so long to get my heart to understand like my mind does, that it is really over.
That we are done for good.
But I will be fine.
I really do wish her the best.
I hope she finds everything she wants, needs, and even deserves.
I just can't and won't be that.
I can't.
-----
(Splaporpaltes back to 2026... It is much colder here this time of year. Strange...)
Hmm.
- I definitely wasted a decent chunk of time with her, I won't lie. I did learn a lot, and man... I wrote five books in the aftermath of that relationship falling apart.
That chapter of my life made me a lot of who I now am, you know?
Would I go back and not suffer her if I could?
I don't know...
I don't.
I love what I have here for you all.
Even if you... My child doesn't exist just yet.
Hmm.
- I don't wish that she had fallen in love with me; I wish more so that we had simply never met.
I would be a different human, but I would still be me. This is different than going back and changing things, you know?
One would be a choice to change things actively, while the other would be us simply having never crossed paths.
I would love to see what THAT version of me would have become, you know?
Hmm, and hmm again.
- You want to know something? She had told me that she wasn't in love with me a couple of times, now that I really think back.
She had also -almost in the same breath- made subtle arguments that it was just not the right time, and that it would happen as we grew closer.
That was quite the elaborate lie, I would come to find.
I thought that maybe I was just ignoring the flag because I was so in love with or infatuated with her, but it was all a ploy to get me to stay just a bit longer.
Just a bit longer.
Just a bit longer.
That 'bit' would round out to eight and a half years, and an additional two after the breakup.
Sheesh.
Listen to what your heart AND mind are telling you, Kid.
You as well, Folks.
Those 'flags' are real, and sometimes "The warning signs can feel like they're butterflies."
This is a quote from a Halsey song called Graveyard, lol.
Be wary. Listen to those flags; they are your experience and intuition speaking.
Another part of me staying so long was not only my deep love for her, but I am also admittedly stubborn...
I would dare say my ego may have played its part as well, as I thought that I could love her better than anyone else, and that the depth and strength of my love could heal her pain.
Both of those were false.
You can't and will never love anyone "better" than anyone else had or has.
Love doesn't work that way.
That is hard for me to understand, but any of you who have been hurt and have chosen to love again understand.
As for the other part?
I always say, "You can't love the pain out of someone."
- I still worry about her.
I can't tell you why.
I don't love her.
I don't care about her in any emotional way, you know?
I think she just folds into the whole of humanity, and I care about all of you.
I can't say that our past doesn't give her a bit more 'care' than any of you -besides you, Kid- but that is just history, not preference.
I wish her the best, just as far away from me as humanly possible.
If she was supposed to be your mother, Kid?
Well, I assume that these journals will never reach you, because I don't care to ever see her again.
If she secretly gave birth to you somehow without me knowing?
I hope she shows you these...
Mayhap she wouldn't.
They probably don't paint her in the best light.
Mayhap they will find their way to you, however they may.
What will be, will be, you know?
- I am healed, but I am still gardening. Her roots ran deep, and 10.5 years is a long time for those buggers to dig, you know? My heart and mind communicate more efficiently now, lol.
I will stop and leave you all with that. It's been a long week, and I look forward to getting to the weekend just as soon as I can clock out, lol.
I hope that all of you are safe wherever you are, and that you have a good weekend as well.
I wish that I could personally end the conflict our world is facing, I do.
Just hang in there, Folks.
Balance will come.
Nature ordains it.
I love and appreciate you all, and I will see you soon for the next thrilling tale of me, lol.
Safe travels, Kid.
You as well, Folks.
And as always;
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.