"It's unfair! He has straight hair!"
"Sorry, darling. I'll give you more dessert."
I gave them a kiss before letting them go, sweeping their hair out of the kitchen, looking thoughtful as I examined the cobwebs in the corners.
"MOM! AMAIERA CAUGHT A RAT! AAAAH!"
I jumped when I heard Euria scream so loudly and came running with my broom in case I had to defend myself. Luckily, I managed to coax my son to let go of it.
"That little rat is more scared than you are. Rats aren't particularly mean; they're seen that way because they have dark fur."
"Mum...Dad said to kill them so they don't spread diseases."
"Dad is a bit extreme...chasing them away is more than enough."
"What do you mean by 'more than enough'?"
I could see Izua's cart returning in the distance.
Quickly finishing cleaning the kitchen floor, he finally arrived, again carrying a large bag.
"I'm afraid this man has no other servant left alive."
"Has he sent us something again?"
"He instructed his messenger to give all sorts of trinkets to the children, but perhaps we should throw them in the fire. They'll get them everywhere."
"Let me see..."
Children's clothes, wooden swords, shields for playing knights, a hobby horse, spinning tops... even a bowling set.
I was moved seeing it all; childhood memories flooded back. Then I hurried to bring them to the children as if I were the one who had received these gifts. I showed them how to use them, and they seemed to jump for joy.
I had begun to attach a little note to the Emperor to my letters. A small, innocent phrase that connected me to the outside world and made all the other horrors I had written about my visions of war more palatable.
One day it was: rest well, the days are deceptive; in summer they are longer, so you risk being tired. Another day it was: look how the sun shines, breathe the fresh air, and please stop killing people
And sometimes I would scribble a little drawing for her because I felt sad after seeing such horrors in my dreams... "Today I saw a doe coming out of the forest... her fur was like velvet, she was afraid of me even though I stood perfectly still. I realized she must have gone through some terrible things to be so afraid, so I was really sad. Please take care of the animals around you..." I would start searching for the horizon again, ever further, beyond the trees. I imagined the wind sweeping the tops of the branches once, letting me glimpse the plains and giving me the impression of an empty world, with no one to bother me, but vast... with lots of beautiful things to see that I would never have seen otherwise,like the sea, fields of flowers...and seeing a lake again one day to remind me of the times we used to picnic there with Mother and the swans would come and steal our food. We would run away because we were very scared, but... We would laugh heartily because we were running far away without really knowing where we were going, having left our shoes and parasols on the tablecloth...
I would like to live...
Autumn quickly caught up with the laughter. My nose was running from the cold, and soon I was struggling to do the laundry outside. I hurried inside to warm up by the fire that Izua had lit for the children.
The grass froze quickly after the rain, and as the trees lost their branches, I could feel my energy draining away. I had very long dreams, but they kept me awake; it was exhausting...not to mention that I hadn't had my period these past few days...
With a bit of luck, my little fourth was finally on the way.
"I cooked a lot! You have to eat a lot to fight the cold."
Izua watched me smile, squinting.
The week had passed, and my period was unusually late. I was almost certain I was pregnant, but I was going to wait a little while before telling her. It would be silly to share such news without being sure.
"Mommy, I want some more, please..."
"Me too, me too!" said Sola, imitating Amaiera.
Euria was the only one who didn't take seconds. He had been a little tired these past few days. Perhaps it was the effect of autumn; like me, he was also losing his energy? I picked him up and carried him to the fire, bringing him his rag doll that I had sewn for him from the leftover fabric of one of my old dresses.
"Mommy...I want a hug..."
"Yes, a big hug, my love."
I would stroke his back and he would fall asleep, his body cold because he was never dressed warmly enough. Worried, I would dress him in cotton clothes, thicker than the satin shirts Izua made him wear because they supposedly highlighted his origins.
If the origins mattered so much, we wouldn't live in such a small house, mostly made of wood; I wouldn't be a maid but a confident and socially active woman; we wouldn't be a family lost deep in the woods but settled in the capital...
That night, I had Euria sleep between us so our two bodies would keep her warm. I was very worried about her condition, unlike Izua, who didn't seem to see the problem. That night... I had another dream. It was harsh, it hurt...
"Your Majesty, bundle up and eat plenty. I had a rather bad vision... I saw many sick people in the eastern zone. Distribute blankets to the front if possible, or thicker uniforms for your soldiers. My dreams aren't all bad. This time you don't need to act. The enemy will retreat because of the cold at the border, as it's close to the North where I live. Is it snowing in the capital yet? Here, we just saw the first flakes fall; the children had a lot of fun, but now they've all caught colds, haha. I'm going to make them lots of soup; you should keep warm too. Have a good week, Ederra."
I folded the letter, noting my little E in the bottom right corner and melting the wax. I stopped Euria from going outside to play with Amaiera because of his obvious tiredness. He risked catching a worse cold if I exposed him to the cold.
The following week, Izua came home covered in snow. I hung his coat by the fire where he was already sitting, thawing his fingertips, a large canvas bag behind him.
"That blasted emperor has sent us more 'gifts,' as he likes to call them. Apparently, the weather is getting particularly cold in the North, and we need to be kept in good shape so I can continue doing his job. What will he do when I die, huh? Will he follow me to my grave? It seems he can't rule without me, that little fool."
I opened the bag to find coarse cloth blankets, hoods, woolen stockings, and short leather jackets to protect against the damp snow.
"This is for you, my darling. You won't be cold anymore."
I put the hood over Euria's head, and he was instantly dragged outside by his brother. I watched them play, smiling, as they started making snowmen with their new mittens.
"It's strange that he thinks about children like this..."
"You think so? I think he's concerned about your offspring, that's all..."
"Yeah...coming from a simpleton like him...I find that hard to believe. Maybe he's tired of being disliked everywhere and wanted to change..."
I watched him lie down in front of the fire and covered him with a blanket given by the emperor, as ours were all being used by the children in their rooms. I sat down gently beside him, crouching and looking into his eyes...
"I haven't been feeling very well lately."
"Do you have a cold? You do this to me every winter..."
"No, I'm pregnant... but it's strange, I have stomach pains every day... yet I haven't bled for two months..."
My face was yellowed by the flames, which reflected in my eyes. Izua frowned at the news. Although I had told him, he simply added: there's nothing I can do about it.
He got up to bring the children inside before nightfall, leaving me with this blanket, which I wrapped around myself, seeking comfort.
I whispered a final "thank you," trying to remember that I should write it in the next letter. I was proud to be able to bring these blankets to my children, even if it wasn't directly the result of my work. I found it so comforting to make their days more comfortable
The more nights passed, the stranger I found it to have such severe stomach pain. I'd had some discomfort during my previous pregnancies, but I didn't remember it being this intense.
That night I couldn't sleep; it was like hitting a wall because I couldn't access my dreams. Unable to do my job, I decided to wake Izua to tell him about my suffering.
"Why do you wake me up every night?
When it's not your fears, you still have to bother me, huh?"
"...we should have the doctor come tomorrow. My stomach hurts..."
"Yes, yes, we'll do that."
I lay motionless for a few minutes because he had turned around, but I was in so much pain. I felt like dying...
"I-It hurts...help..."