"Does that ring a bell?"
"How did you get it?!"
"How would I know? It was just sent to me..."
I scanned the underside of the sofa to see that the crease wasn't there like the first day. It was indeed the dream I'd committed to paper when I'd felt strange... there was that same ink stain where the pen had slipped at the bottom of the page.
"Is this bullshit or is it the truth? If it was a joke, know that I've just sent 10,000 men to the front because of you."
I shook my head abruptly, putting one hand on the table, the other on my heart.
"I swear I saw it, I felt it too! They were dying, one after another, weeping for their mothers and wives."
He placed his hand on mine, feeling the depth of my emotions. It was the first time...that I could truly express the intensity of my feelings...without being belittled. He narrowed his eyes, proudly raising his head.
"So perhaps you've just saved them all. Thanks to you, in this future I've taken into my hands, no man will ever utter his mother's name again, only songs of praise to God for saving them, or to you, of course."
Those few words from him, briefly comparing me to the God of these 20,000 men, marked the beginning of a new era, not only for the kingdom but also for me. This bargain of continuing to send him my visions each week by discreetly passing my letters through Izua's affairs in exchange for what I wanted from him. I needed nothing; the mere feeling of my mind being freed from this sordid power concluded a proportionate exchange...in addition to knowing that I was serving some purpose in this life where I was constantly being stifled in my actions. "Help them for me," I thought suddenly. "Help them for me, Hitzac. You who have the power, I entrust you with my knowledge so that you may help them in my place."
He gave me a packet of papers hidden in his jacket, about a hundred in pre-sealed envelopes bearing the Gorra seal, a quill, and ink
He left the house without telling me anything more, hurrying to disappear before Izua arrived.
I knew perfectly well what to do, but I didn't know if I would be of much use. I was very wrong. Every night I made increasingly precise readings, I read the thoughts of those involved, sometimes I even had access to the minds of several people.
I began to write...as if my life depended on it.
"On the Aleyeza front, an ambush, 20 scouts delivering an important message die there, beside a river. The enemy emerges from an overturned boat, there are 3 of them. The main front, two supply wagons set on fire 500 km to the South, the enemy had laid mines. Demarcate the area.
In the far south, the beginning of contagion. Two infected with the flu.
In the far south, the flu has decimated 68% of the troops stationed there, a messenger carrying the flu comes to warn the front lines.
Stop the disease at its source, it is urgent."
I made sure he ate by pretending to go get Sola, who was sleeping, to slip a letter in among his. Exactly the same ones; I had only, at his request, drawn an E on the back so he would recognize mine.
I hoped I could be of service. I had sometimes dreamed of the same thing twice, so it must be important...but I hadn't written it down. Perhaps in the future I will...if it works this time, I will add more detail to my letters.
I remained skeptical about the effectiveness of my visions, continuing to do my work quietly. I slipped in another letter with minimal military instructions to prevent the small scout troops from dying needlessly. My problem was that I didn't know the time gap between reality and my dream. If it was a few days, it was pointless for the emperor to know because he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. That Friday, as I was sending my third letter, Izua returned with a large bag of all kinds of dried meats...
"Put them in the saddler's shop. It's a gift from His Majesty."
"A...a gift?"
"You know how he is, as soon as something good happens to him he sends all sorts of useless things to his loved ones, and it just so happened to be me."
I gave him a furtive look, wondering if he was going to tell me more, but he didn't seem to grasp my intentions at all. I asked hesitantly, as I took the meat out of the brine tub:
"Does that mean good things are happening to him?"
"He's been sending random orders to his troops lately. Apparently, it's saving their lives."
"Is that... even possible...?"
I accidentally rolled the sausage on the floor, and Izua tapped me on the head to wake me up as I stared blankly at the table for a good 10 seconds.
I couldn't believe it. My heart was pounding...
That meant it was really working... he was able to use my dreams...
I was optimistic about continuing, but that night I wasn't having a dream related to the war; it was something else...
A man in black, very thin, slender, like a familiar figure. It's at a banquet...no, a ball. The music is very loud. A woman on his arm is laughing...she's drinking too.
He puts his hand on hers and she lets go. He doesn't move and puts his hand around her waist...
On his finger, a blue ring, a large sapphire, a coat of arms engraved on the iron, a snake...no, an eel? No, it's an eagle holding an eel in its beak...
I want to wake up...
His wife laughs very loudly, she puts her hands on his arm, leans on it and moves closer to him. She whispers something in his ear. Her lips are pink, her curls are blonde, she is magnificent...
And her eyes are gray like dust. I opened my eyes trembling, breath catching in my throat. I thought I would die from this dream, as if I would never wake up from it.
I had always managed to interrupt a dream before, but not this time; I had held my breath for too long.
"...uh...."
I moved closer to Izua's back to rest my head and feel a little warmth, my hands clasped over my heart.
I was so cold, I was in so much pain...
A feeling I thought I'd never experience again...and suddenly I wished for something vile. I wished that none of my visions had been true, even if it meant all those men were dead because I had never said anything to save them.
"Why not try... to have a fourth child? I'd like to have a fourth."
"A fourth...? Why not..."
I didn't want to be alone, ever. But I also didn't want the world around me to exist. I wanted it to end at that northern forest, for all my memories to be nothing more than a figment of my imagination...
I'm just a country woman who lives a peaceful life with her children. Her husband is a bit difficult, but he's always there, so she's not sad... and then there are always her three little ones, each cuter than the last, to cuddle and comfort her when things get tough. Except that very little gets tough because she has no family outside, no life to disturb her...
That morning I took Amaiera in my arms as soon as he woke up and didn't let go of him all day. I carried him all day even though he was heavy because I knew he was the only one here who never complained about my presence, and the only one old enough to understand my unhappiness. Or so I thought. I saw Euria tugging at my skirt to get cuddles too, so I ended up taking them both with me onto the sofa to give them lots of kisses.
"Mommy... why are you sad?"
"I had a really, really scary nightmare."
"Do you have nightmares too?"
"Yes. Adults get scared sometimes too, they tremble and cry as well. But just like when you have nightmares, there's always someone to comfort me. And today, it's you!"
I was tickling him against his will, making him laugh out loud, which didn't seem to please Izua, who got up with a furious face.
"What are you doing so early in the morning?"
"I was tickling him."
"You're very energetic for someone who didn't sleep all night..."
He was going to have his breakfast, gently bringing me back to reality
I was going about my daily chores... hanging out the laundry, feeding the horses, preparing food for the children, dressing the children, feeding Sola, feeding my children again, secretly feeding Euria, sweeping the entrance, reading a book with Amaiera, putting the children down for a nap, washing the dishes, making a snack for the children and Haina, cleaning the stairs, emptying the chamber pots, fetching water from the well, preparing dinner, mending the boys' clothes, cleaning them and putting them to bed...
Soon summer was coming, games in the grass were becoming a daily occurrence, the children seemed happier, Amaiera was growing taller and taller...his face was becoming more and more marked by Behean's features...as if to remind me of the mistakes I had made. Euria was looking more and more like me; he had grown too, and his hair had grown down to his shoulders. Today I had to cut their hair. It wasn't the first time, but now that they were grown up, I couldn't mess it up or they would get upset.
"Mom's doing her best."
"Can I cut it myself?"
"Absolutely not~"
Euria remained seated next to me, watching Amaiera's hair fall to the floor. I wasn't doing too badly...
Her hair was wavy, so it was fairly easy to cut without it looking terrible. Now that I thought about it, Sola was the only one with straight hair like his dad, Amaiera had Behean's genes, Euria had mine...
"Do you like it? It's lighter, isn't it?"
"It's not straight here."
"Oh. Wait..."
Euria tugged at my dress, saying he wanted the same haircut even though he didn't have the same hair texture. His was like mine, wavy, but his hair was softer and finer, so more unruly. If I cut it too short, it would frizz up.
I still made sure to redo his bangs and cut them above his ears.
"It's unfair! He has straight hair!"
"Sorry, darling. I'll give you more dessert."