My entire life passed by in a slideshow after my sexual encounter with Kay.
Tangled in his sheets-- swipe.
Back home-- swipe.
Class-- swipe.
Home again-- swipe.
Answering a phone call-- swipe.
I stood in the school greenhouses, a dopey, dazed look on my face as I nodded my way through their interview questions.
"Great! Are you good to start on monday?"
I nodded obediently.
Wait--
"Start? As in start working here? As in, you're going to fulfill the credit?"
Candy, the forty something manager of the greenhouse grinned and nodded eagerly, "Did you think we were just chatting about your qualifications and past experience?"
I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly, "I just didn't expect- I'm not usually this lucky."
"Course not," Candy laughed airily. Her cheerful voice was like a soft breeze, "We didn't hire you for your luck. We hired you because you deserve it."
I bit my lip to keep myself from arguing. Xavier told me self depreciation wasn't an attractive quality in an employee.
"Yeah, I can start monday."
Candy grinned at me while pulling out the necessary paperwork. She talked me through everything, pay, hours, what I'd be responsible for. All of it went in one ear and out the other. Hopefully stored away somewhere in the back of my brain where it could be called upon when I needed it.
It wasn't until I was standing on the sidewalk that I remembered monday was when Kay and I agreed to meet next. I clutched my phone in my hand and stared at it until my knuckles turned white. It vibrated. A notification from a news app detailing a local politician's outburst.
I couldn't wait any longer.
It'd been nice while it lasted. One wonderful, otherworldly experience to hold in my heart until the day I died. Likely after a lifetime of either loneliness or a toxic relationship with a woman who knew I could never really love her. My poor future beard, she deserves better.
Best to get it over with.
'I can't make it monday, job. Can we reschedule?'
Kay's response was almost instantaneous.
'"Reschedule?" sounds so professional'
I rolled my lip between my teeth and tucked my hand under my chin.
'Sorry'
The dots indicating Kay's reply came and went and came and went again. I pressed my phone screen against my face. I silently prayed to anyone listening. I begged them for a second chance.
My greed was boundless. It sickened me.
More than someone like me deserved.
The closest thing to a 'good deed' I'd done in the past decade was 'voluntary' biology tutoring in high school. Even then, I'd only done it because the teacher promised to write me a letter of recommendation to my preferred college.
It was pure selfishness, through and through. My desperation to escape my hometown just happened to manifest with a philanthropic coating. I never put my heart in it.
Only one of my 'students' managed to save his GPA. But he'd been a genius from the start, only lacking motivation. Given my general disposition, I highly doubted I had anything to do with him finding it.
My phone buzzed.
'Y?'
I breathed out slowly, trying to calm my racing heart.
'For causing you trouble'
His reply was immediate.
'It's no trouble'
Heat flooded my cheeks. I felt light headed. I shouldn't let it affect me so much. It'd only make it hurt worse when this was over.
My phone screen lit up. Kay was calling. I scrambled to answer.
"Hi!" My voice came out high pitched, like I'd regressed back to my ten year old self. I wasn't looking forward to puberty…again.
"Hello."
It should be illegal for a man to sound so sensual over the phone. There should be regulations on this sort of thing.
"So uh…"
"Thought'd be easier just to talk," Kay's voice was bright. He was smiling. I could see it in my mind. Soft and teasing, just like he'd been when he-
This is a public place, I thought to myself while digging my fingernails into my palms. I sat down on a bench and casually crossed my legs.
"So…" Kay cleared his throat. He sounded out of breath. Had he been working out? I'd seen him out running before. There was a half memory of him dead drunk telling Xavier saying he only ran when he needed to 'settle his mind.'
"Is everything ok?" I spoke over Kay, then paused, "Sorry, what was that?"
"No… you first," Kay sounded even warmer.
"I asked if you were ok. You sound…tired," I shifted my phone to my other hand and scrunched my face, realizing how that comment came across, "Not that- You don't sound bad or anything! Just…I dunno…"
"You're right."
"Oh…" The warmth I felt successfully identifying Kay's feelings chilled with the knowledge that he was struggling.
"I've just had…a lot to think about lately."
"You're a genius. Isn't thinking your strong suit?"
Kay laughed. Then spoke with a tinge of hopefulness I couldn't place, "Do you? -Nevermind."
As much as I wanted to press the subject, I didn't want to cross the uncertain line between us and ruin whatever it was we had. I went with the safer option.
"What were you saying earlier? When I interrupted you."
"Ah- you wouldn't," Kay sounded disappointed.
It felt like I'd just failed a skill check in real life. I could see 'Kay will remember this' overlaid in the corner of my vision.
"I was asking about your work schedule."
"Oh," I laughed, strained and nervous, "Oh!"
I turned on speakerphone and looked at my calendar. With the new shifts at the greenhouse it was looking like I wouldn't be free until graduation.
"It's um… a little crowded."
"Don't you get mondays off at the boutique?"
He knew I worked at the boutique. How attentive of him! As to be expected of an interior design student.
"I was just accepted for an internship at the greenhouse," After a pause I added a slightly panicked, "I need it to fulfill my degree so I can't turn it down."
"I'm happy for you," It sounded like he really meant it. It also sounded like his voice was echoing.
A warm hand grasped my shoulder.
I looked up.
"Kay?"
Kay's hair was damp. It stuck to his forehead. His cheeks were flushed and his lips slightly parted. He wore an over sized tank top, sweats, and well worn sneakers.
"It's good to see you," Kay's smile was blinding.
I couldn't help the way my eyes fell to his lips. Nor could I help what my mind went as I looked. There was a scar I'd never noticed before. It was a small, raised, pale mark at the corner of his mouth. I tilted my head in concern.
"What happened?" I reached up and cupped his face. My thumb ran over the scar absently before I remembered myself and jerked my hand back.
Kay caught my hand and brought it back. He leaned into it and smiled. The blush on Kay's cheeks deepened as he looked away. Internally, my rationality was throttling my impulsivity while screaming expletives. Externally I averted my eyes and mumbled an apology.
"No. It's fine, I just didn't-" Kay cleared his throat and released my hand, "It's from high school. I was in the school building after hours and overheard something I shouldn't've. It distracted me so much I fell down the stairs."
I barked out a laugh then clamped a hand over my mouth, "I'm sorry. That must've been scary, it's just- I didn't expect- That sounds more like something Xavier would've done."
Kay's jaw went tense when I mentioned Xavier. My internal council began planning a tarring and feathering for my impulsivity. I didn't know what to say so I just looked down at my hands and waited for Kay to speak again.
My phone lit up with a text from Xavier. I didn't bother reading it.
"Are you busy today?"
I looked up. Whatever expression was on Kay's face wasn't one I'd seen before. A mix of excitement, determination, and anxiety. All tinged with something unfamiliar to me. Whatever it was, it made me shiver.
"Ah- No, I'm not,"