When Kay asked me if I was busy my mind had gone several less than wholesome places. The absolute last place it would've landed was on the stoop outside of Kay's apartment complex.
Yet there I was.
I followed Kay dutifully until we reached the door where he politely requested I stay outside. Of course polite is relative when you're forcing your fuck-buddy to wait outside while you change and shower.
Still, how could I complain? Kay was taking time out of his busy schedule to be with me. If he'd asked me to climb in the window to avoid being seen by his roommate I'd already be scraping up my palms on the building's brick walls.
While I waited, I checked Xavier's text.
'Wanna have lunch, I'm buying'
Had Kay seen the text? Was that why he'd requested my time? To keep me from Xavier?
I pursed my lips and typed up a reply.
'No, with Kay'
Xavier sent a thumbs up emoji. The oblivious bastard.
The gentle fall breeze that'd felt so soothing outside the greenhouse began to bite into my exposed skin uncomfortably. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. Though, if I were being honest, the wind wasn't causing the chill.
Since the night Kay and I…
Since my night with Kay, I'd been repeating the same argument in my head. I rewound and let it play out over and over again without ever reaching resolution.
Kay and I hadn't spoken of Xavier since then. But I couldn't see one without thinking of the other. Despite knowing what would happen, despite understanding it wouldn't change how Kay felt about me, I wanted to tell them both.
For the first time in a long time I'd been given the opportunity to put a finger on the scales of fate. A tiny, bitter, incorrigible part of me thought that I could use Kay's inevitable heartbreak to endear myself to him.
Originally, I'd been sure I'd never see him again if he broke ties with Xavier. Kay and I didn't have a relationship beyond the study group. But things had changed. Now, I had an in. I could offer a shoulder to cry on and slowly weasel my way into his heart.
I could.
But I wouldn't.
I'd never been the weasling type. My friendship with Xavier only existed because of my inability to bluff.
Back in high school, Xavier set his sights on me for whatever reason. He became determined to befriend me despite my open distaste for both him and the institution of friendship as a whole. His persistence led him to wait after school and 'chat' with me while I prepped for the remedial biology lessons I taught.
"Sooooooo," He drawled out while straddling a chair and leaning in it precariously, "You like a genius or something?"
I rolled my eyes and shoved his chair so all four feet solidly met the ground. He smiled sheepishly like we were sharing an in-joke.
"It's all material from last year. Even you could manage this," I gestured towards him with a stack of workbooks, "It looks good on college applications."
Xavier's eyes lit up and I realized I'd given him an in, "Are you already applying to college? Which one? What major?"
I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried to fight back the migraine his chattering was giving me, "I've applied to three, I want to major in botany."
"What's botany?"
My mouth fell open and I cocked my head to the side. The workbooks I'd been holding nearly slid from my hands. I caught them just in time and glared at Xavier, "Look it up, and stop bothering me."
"Phone's dead," Xavier leaned back against a desk and smiled at me playfully. Later, I'd know this was him intentionally pushing my buttons. In the moment, I just wanted him gone.
Unfortunately the action I took to accomplish that left me stuck with him. Through both high school and college.
"Use mine," I pulled my phone from my back pocket and shoved it into his hand. Before I could open my notebook a heart-stoppingly familiar keening squeal came through my phone's tinny speakers.
All the color drained from my face. I'd never moved so fast before. I snatched my phone out of Xavier's hand and slammed it on the ground. The screen shattered but the video continued playing.
When I dropped to retrieve it, I discovered that the cracks were perfectly placed to cover the point where the male pornstar's dick was entering the other male pornstar's anus.
Even after I turned my phone off, I swore I could hear the phantom of the men's moans echoing in the empty classroom.
"You're gay?"
I didn't look up at Xavier. My whole world was spinning. I could taste cherries. It felt like I'd throw up or pass out. Maybe both. Probably both.
"Nice!"
I looked up.
Xavier was smiling at me. That signature, easy smile he could manage even in situations that made me want to self-destruct.
Though I constantly complained about Xavier, his open acceptance back then saved me. The circumstances making me so desperate to leave our hometown turned to acid eroding my will to live.
The only thing keeping me going was my great escape plan. A plan that would be realized a semester after Xavier and I became friends. When I got my acceptance letter it should've been a relief. Instead, it felt like losing.
Losing motivation, losing drive, losing the only autonomy I'd had. It'd be another year before I departed for college. Without Xavier, that year would've been hell.
"Sorry for making you wait."
I was startled out of my gloomy reminiscing by Kay's gentle voice. I looked up at him and tried my best to smile like everything was fine.
"Am I allowed to come in now?" I teased, standing up from the stoop.
"Actually," Kay grabbed my shoulders and turned me towards the street, "I was thinking we could go get something to eat."
My eyes fluttered in confusion but I stepped down to the sidewalk and nodded.
"I guess it is that time," I side eyed Kay and decided to test the waters, "I didn't even realize what time it was until I saw Xavier's text."
Kay didn't react so I dug my heels in.
"He was asking me to lunch but I told him I was with you. Should I ask him to join us?"
"No!" Kay's response was sharp and forceful.
It hurt more than it had any right to, given I brought it on myself.
I laughed and tried my best to seem unaffected, "I guess that'd be uncomfortable, sorry."
Kay's jaw went tight. He stayed silent the rest of the walk.