Eternally staying in Hell? I stopped and thought about it for a second. I imagined it: I'd throw my sunbed right next to a lava pool, wearing a flame-patterned bikini... The weather would be hot, but you know, that "dry heat, no humidity" kind of vibe. Astaroth would be there, rubbing sunscreen on my back with his massive, muscular, slightly sulfur-scented hands.
666SPF ,BABE...666SPF!
He'd use his cape to shade me, asking romantic questions like "Madison, darling, which cauldron should we throw this soul into?"
Let's be real; telling a Demon Lord, "Turn up the heat under that cauldron, honey, this politician isn't well-done yet," was a much more It-Girl move than waiting for Tyler's "Seen" receipts.
"Alright Maddy, don't exaggerate," Tyler said, picking his nose and looking at the ceiling. "I mean, marriage is a big word. What would you even do without me? Who else would put up with your stalker phases? Besides, my mom said last week that the sauce on your pasta was too watery. She's right, nothing beats her tomato paste pasta. You are the only one,I quess. "
Patience, ancient goddesses, give me patience!
The witch inside me was burning to turn Tyler into a toad and then "accidentally" (yes, definitely accidentally) step on him. But Gabriel was poking me from behind, whispering, "Hurry up!"
"Tyler, honey, sweetheart..." I said, grinding my teeth with fake politeness.
"The pasta thing is fine, I'll take lessons from your mom if I have to. But look, the world is burning, butterflies are dying, Nobel-winning surgeons are stranded in taxis... all because of my vow! Just say 'Will you marry me?' or 'Yes, sorry it's my bad" and let's get this over with. I promise, you can keep all the gold from the wedding!"
Holy Flea-Ridden Hell!
A Narcissist's "Maybe"!
Tyler smirked.
That "I am the most precious thing on earth. I don't wanna lose you." smirk. "We'll see. Maybe we'll get married. If I score a goal in the soccer match this weekend and you give me unlimited access to your car for a month, I might consider it. But don't expect a ring; the crypto money is still stuck, you know."
Astaroth let out a laugh that sounded like thunder.
"Do you see, Madison? This is the 'miracle' you vowed to burn the world for. A plate of pasta sauce and a soccer match..."
Gabriel was practically vibrating with divine rage.
"Tyler! Ask the question now! Or I will personally assign you as an intern to the 'Wing Cleaning Department' at the lowest level of the celestial hierarchy!"
I looked at Tyler, who was still kneeling. His pixels were shifting; his nose had slid slightly to the right (and even like this, he couldn't hold a candle to Astaroth's jawline). Then I looked at Astaroth's eyes, which said, "Come on, we have work to do in Hell."
"Should I say yes?" I whispered to Gabriel.
"Say it WİTCH! Save the world!" Gabriel groaned.
I was just about to say "Yes" when Tyler added. "But after the wedding, I'm setting up my gaming console in the living room, and you won't complain. Also, my blonde cousin (!) might stay with us sometimes—you know, her place is far..."
That was it. In that moment, Madison and the ancient witch merged. Tyler's "maybe" was the final straw for my thousand-year patience.
"Asti!" I shouted, turning to Astaroth. "Get my tanning cream ready! I'm coming to burn this world down! Gabriel, sorry honey, but I can't sacrifice my life for this man's pasta sauce!"
Just as I said that, the door—which Tyler had left ajar while coming to ask for "allowance"—swung open. And in walked Tiffany, the "cousin" I had spent months stalking until my fingerprints were worn off. She was wearing the silk blouse I'd planned to buy if it went on sale, with a look of pure "the world revolves around me" delusion.
"Oh Tyler, baby, the door was open so I just came in!" Tiffany said, completely ignoring the eight-foot horned demon and the glowing archangel (because narcissistic blindness is a real thing!).
Then she noticed me.
ME! MADİSON!
SAİD TO ME!
"Oh, is your cousin Madi here? Hi, sweetie! Tyler told me, 'She's a bit obsessed, she talks to Ouija boards and stuff, we should just leave her be.' Oh, are those tarot cards? Can you do a reading for me? What's the future like for me and Tyler?"