How do you feel when you like someone? You know, the romantic kind that makes my friend leave everything for them? Is it how I feel when I see him? Not jittery or butterflies, it's leaning more on a call on ownership. I know, I don't want it taking a dark turn but seeing him walk away when he sees me or pretend I am not even there hurts.
Quint heading to R wasn't new, Riley not going was. I'd chosen to stay, not knowing he'd go home the very first chance he got.
I am not the going home type. My parents think I'm into drugs, when I'm home, no one ever is. From my three eldest siblings to my parents, since young they never cared. I had to learn to do things on my own.
It's like they got the last born kid without meaning to and because they're always busy, it's a case of;
"Unless it's serious don't disturb me!"
A psychiatrist in highschool once said we are broken and somehow caught onto each other to survive. She never knew we caught onto Riley so that we would never fail or fall over anything. He, to me was that knight when I wanted to end myself. The person that held my hand and told me I could hold others and others could hold me. He shared everything with us.
Problem is, I might hold them and vice versa then later on they'll let me go, then what? Wasn't it better not to learn they had held on from the beginning?
"Could you please get me the spare keycard, I lost mine."
"Mr. McRoy, it's been a while. How are you fairing?"
"Better than I expected."
"How's school, I heard you could very well be a News reporter soon."
Or just a simple writer or just a behind the scenes guy...I don't really like small talk. I don't even know how I get into talks in bars before leading them to a backroom or something.
"I'll work hard."
The door clicked and I went in. The last time I came here was after I'd come back from that damned country where I had lost money and dignity. It still reminded me of her. I think she was the first person I really had those feelings for.
While seeing her for three whole months, I hadn't touched anyone else which had been a record in my and Riley's books. Back then, he'd thought it was a miracle.
Maybe I should take that advise and meet her just once... but, I am a coward. Maybe some cleansing would do, like the blue shawl on the armrest or even that beanbag.
She'd never come by but I had carried these things from that hotel room. Obviously only Kristoff knew about the move of those things, he helped me when I told him it was the only way I'd stop spiraling when it came to her.
-This better be important, I am headed to a meeting.
-A meeting, with who patients?
-No doofus, with fellow residents on a certain surgery.
-Then you should go.
There was silence and I wished he'd cut the line off himself. That way, maybe I wouldn't blame myself for getting on his way or something.
-You called, you obviously have something to say. You never call...what is it?
-You're a doctor to be, what do you do with feelings?
-I am not a feelings doctor but I'd say act on them. Just don't kill, this country frowns upon that.
-On another human being
-My advice still counts. And while we're on that, dad wants you home this weekend. Our eldest brother's fiancee is being introduced.
-No one will miss me so I'll pass.
-Don't tell anyone you weren't informed then.
Yeah! I know that. I also know I wasn't supposed to be in on that information. My elder brother's fiancee huh! Before I run away back then, I also had one from some family my dad was doing business with. After we came back, I thought they'd at least show concern on where were you, what were you up to. What of the scabbed scars ?
All I got was a scolding on how they had lost a huge amount of money for them. Me running away had been because they wanted to send me to a military school, me running away was because I'd just learnt that I had a freakin' fiancee, someone I didn't even know.
Yet after months, all I got was how ungrateful I was . They never cared if I ever went back to school, Riley's mom dealt with my tuition, she is still dealing with my schooling now.
I recall her sitting me down and asking me what I wanted with my future. At that time the only thing I could remember was my own mom asking me if it was even worth it sending me to school.
That would have been a reasonable question had I not passed my entrance exams. I am sure she hadn't seen my results, I am not sure they have even now. Should I have gone to military school as it had been expected of me? Would that have made them turn to look at me even once?
-Have you eaten?
-Not yet, too lazy now.
-I know Taffy isn't there, want to go home, I am sure Jennifer will be happy to see you...little muse.
-Don't please.
-Who did you talk to or meet?
-What?
-You're talking like you're in the 'I hate my life' zone and I don't like it Barnard.
-Borniface fiance will be home this weekend.
I know he's thinking of a proper way to get around the news I'd just given him. I don't think he hated many people but Riley hates my family. He once got into a fight with Bravin, my second brother over something he said about me. At that time, his mom had told mine,
"If you don't want him, I have a lot of love to share...never look for him."
But they were still my family, they never look for me except Bruno who we talk from time to time but I look for them not physically or via phonecalls or chats, just stalking. I spend time to just go to the company and look at the building from a cafe across the street, sometimes even with binoculars just to get a peep.