"Kōichi... even if you died in a way more embarrassing than I did, I'll admit it. You're a partner I can trust. If that idiot Goddess had the nerve to descend without even wearing underwear, then there's no reason for us two comedians to chicken out now."
"Hey! What are you two whispering about over there?! I just know you're talking about something incredibly rude!" Aqua finally stopped rolling around. Sitting on the ground, she wiped her tears with the back of her hand and looked suspiciously at the two of them with their arms slung over each other's shoulders. "Especially you, backdoor-sneaker! The way you were looking at me just now was like I was some livestock waiting to be butchered. That was unbelievably rude! Apologize right now, then get on your knees and kiss my toes and beg for forgiveness!"
Kōichi and Kazuma looked at each other and broke into the exact same wicked grin, perfectly in sync.
"Oh, Aqua-sama, we were just admiring your overwhelming divine majesty. Even when descending to the mortal world, you dress so... 'lightly.'"
Kazuma spoke first, his tone tinged with mockery.
Kōichi immediately followed up, "Exactly. To avoid wasting your... 'openness,' we've decided to take you to the guild so you can experience the local customs of this Fantasy World. Rest assured, as your followers, or so we claim, we'll take very good care of you."
Aqua looked at the two of them and, for no clear reason, shivered. She instinctively pulled the feather robe tighter around her back, hunched her neck, and muttered,
"...Compared to the Demon King of this world, you two feel more like executives from some evil organization."
On the streets of Axel Town, a place steeped in medieval fantasy atmosphere where even the air carried a faint mix of horse manure and cheap ale, two newly reincarnated otaku stood in the middle of the road arguing so fiercely over their first step in life that their faces had gone red.
"Listen, Kazuma-san! As reincarnators, I strongly recommend we go straight outside the city and grind on weak-looking Slimes or Giant Toads!" Kōichi Hayashi said, pumping his fist as he excitedly laid out his grand vision. "Once we kill a few monsters, we'll get some gold drops, buy cool cloaks and staffs, and start our harem route... no, wait, our Hero route!"
Kazuma looked at Kōichi with utter disgust. His dead-fish eyes practically screamed, Have you laughed yourself stupid? "Get a grip, Kōichi! So what if you're a reincarnator? You don't even have a wooden stick to poke a Slime with right now! What if the Slime we run into is some special kind that spits strong acid and melts our clothes instantly? What, you want two grown men running naked across the grasslands of a Fantasy World?"
He pointed at a nearby worksite where people were hauling lumber, his tone firm. "Slow and steady wins the race! We should spend a day hauling bricks at a construction site, earn enough money to buy a couple of cheap changes of clothes, and then register at the guild. Without startup capital, you won't even get a mouthful of water in this world!"
"Hauling bricks? I'm a future Archwizard! Have you ever seen a wizard sweating it out on a construction site on their first day after reincarnating?" Kōichi said, full of resistance. "That's blasphemy against the art of magic! We should go to the guild and see if there are any special quests that can be completed just by being handsome!"
"Can being handsome fill your stomach? This is a Fantasy World, not a host club!" Kazuma shot back mercilessly. "Besides, your build doesn't look like an otaku's at all. Not putting you to work hauling bricks would be a waste of talent! You could carry one and match three other guys. We'd be rich in no time!"
Kōichi and Kazuma went back and forth, neither able to convince the other. Just as the argument sank into a dead loop, the strange looks from the people around them made both of them feel a sudden burst of embarrassment.
Then, all at once, their movements turned eerily synchronized. The argument stopped dead. Their heads turned a stiff ninety degrees, and two pairs of eyes filled with depraved intent and some kind of evil plan landed in perfect unison on Aqua, who was crouching by the roadside, trying to draw circles in the corner with her finger.
Aqua seemed to sense a chill cold enough to freeze her soul. Her hand stopped tracing circles, and her back suddenly stiffened.
She turned around shakily and found the two of them staring straight at her with the kind of look people gave a money tree or premium labor.
"...Wh-what?" Aqua instinctively hunched her shoulders and covered her chest with both hands, her voice already on the verge of tears. "What is with those looks? I'm a Goddess, you know! My divine power may be a little unstable right now, but I'm still the noble, worshipped Aqua-sama! Don't tell me you're thinking of selling me off somewhere weird for money? Absolutely not! Heaven would punish that for sure!"
Kazuma rubbed his chin, and a dangerously sly smile curled at the corner of his mouth. "Hey, Kōichi. I just realized something. Since this idiot is a Goddess, she must have a lot of... special skills, right? Like some kind of act that makes passersby reach for their wallets without even thinking."
Kōichi immediately caught on and let out a sly chuckle. "Exactly, Kazuma-san. I was thinking the same thing. Since she did not bring any Divine Treasure with her, that outfit and that blue hair of hers are the best advertisement she has. And back at the judgment hall, she was pretty good at making a scene, was she not? With lungs like that, she would be perfect for street performances or shouting to draw in customers."
"J-juggling? Shouting?" Aqua's eyes flew wide open, and she pointed at herself in disbelief.
"You actually want the great Goddess of Water to do that kind of lowly work? Are you insane?! I came here to guide you in defeating the Demon King, not to be your cash cow!"
Kazuma stepped toward her bit by bit, his voice turning unnervingly gentle, yet full of menace. "Aqua-sama, reality is cruel. If you do not want to sleep in a stable tonight, or end up so hungry you are chewing roadside weeds because you cannot afford bread, then you had better start showing us your value as a Goddess. Otherwise..."
Kōichi followed up with the finishing blow. "Otherwise, we will have no choice but to write up flyers about the secret of the vacuum Goddess and hand them out all over Axel. At that point, you really might become the hottest celebrity in town."
Aqua's face instantly changed from blue to white, then from white to green.
Looking at the two otaku working together in perfect villainy, she finally realized what kind of "demons" she had fallen into the hands of.
"Uwaaaaah! You two demons! The worst! Otaku! Perverts! Backdoor-sneaker!" Aqua let out a cry of despair, but caught between hunger and dignity, she was clearly starting to waver.
"...Th-then at least, should we not get something to eat first?"
Kōichi felt around the empty pockets on his body and listened to Aqua's stomach rumbling in a loud, rhythmic rise and fall. The look on his face slowly shifted from helplessness into an expression of profound wisdom, as if he had seen through the fundamental logic of society itself.
He hooked an arm around Kazuma's neck and pointed toward the building ahead, the Adventurers' Guild, from which drifted the mouthwatering smell of fried chicken and malt beer. Lowering his voice, he spoke with absolute conviction.
"Kazuma-san, I have a plan. A perfect closed-loop solution that solves both our hunger and our employment problem at the same time."
Kazuma shot him a sidelong look, his eyes full of distrust. "...Kōichi, even if we are comrades now, that tone of yours sounds exactly like some pyramid scheme boss, and I have a really bad feeling about it. You are not about to suggest we rob the rich and help the poor, are you? Just so you know, I do not even have the strength to rob an old granny."
Kōichi gave a disdainful snort and wagged a finger. "No, no, no. How could we do something so illegal? What we are talking about is human resource reassignment. Listen. Since we are flat broke, we just go in and eat as much as we want. Then, when it is time to pay, we boldly spread our hands and say we have no money. By this world's logic, they will definitely drag us into the back kitchen to wash dishes to pay off the debt, right?"
Kōichi patted his chest and continued selling the idea as though it were the most natural thing in the world. "Think about it. Washing dishes is work, right? If they forcibly drag us off to wash dishes, that means we have basically been hired, right? This is called working first and settling the bill later. Not only do we fill our stomachs, we also skip the annoying interview process. It is a genius shortcut into the workforce."
Kazuma listened with his mouth hanging open. He opened it as if he wanted to argue, but Kōichi's internally consistent crooked logic had completely stunned him.
His dead-fish eyes darted around rapidly, and in the end, he slowly nodded, wearing the kind of expression that was scummy and yet somehow made perfect sense.
"...Man, you really are depraved to the core. Even I, a shut-in, feel outclassed by a scheme like dressing up dine-and-dash as forced employment. But if it really means I can get one of those fried chicken drumsticks over there... then maybe I could consider it."