For I am the first and the last,
I am the venerated and the despised,
Always respect me,
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one,
Barsha such a sweet and deep name, I was given by the clan priest,
The time of year when farmers are dancing with joy as this is the time of planting rice,
Rice is not just a food, It is the food crop which is the reason behind why the Asia continent has the largest population and greatest wealth,
And Barsha is the time of year when rice is planted,
I always wanted to know why do we humans live?
'Bang',
Why did this human I just shot in head lived?
His brain matter splashed everywhere like someone had splashed watermelon with bare hands,
Why did this man lived?
He might have had family or he might have some magnificent story to tell or his purpose might be to make me sink even deeper into deep ocean of word 'purpose',
What is the purpose of life?
As I kept on killing insects, animals and plants even humans but I never got my answer,
It was like, I was looking into mirror and asking why do I look like this and the mirror never answered,
As the river of time kept on flowing,
One day, I heard one person saying this "Life has no meaning or purpose, it is upon us to write our fate,"
Well, I didn't cared about the context of that sentence and neither I met that person again,
But it felt like I was freed from my chains that bounded me,
Because, I thought, I was in this world for some divine judgement and didn't indulge in carnal desires but that statement freed me but now I think about that time, it feels like I just wanted acceptance from others,
Yes, I wanted someone to tell me, that what I am doing is right, I don't need to feel guilty for killing people,
I just wanted acceptance,
So, after getting that acceptance, I was free from the chains that I had put on myself,
I did what I wanted,
But when walking on that path to success,
I got tired and I hated the goal I loved the most, which I myself procreated,
I felt the weight of responsibility were too heavy for me,
I didn't want to follow this goal so I changed my goal but still same happened again and again,
No matter how many times I changed my goals ranging from different fields,
Every time, I got distracted, I got lazy so I left it all and gave into carnal desires,
I stole money from my parents,
I scammed them of their money and at last even stole my mom's jewelry and sold them,
Now both of them are dead, Now, I realized that I was not as smart as I thought I was,
I could scam them easily because they loved me,
They trusted me very much,
My parents were just too trustful of me,
Now I wonder around in underground arenas, markets and brothels,
Sometimes selling animals and even humans just for sake of that smoke of 'blue gem' or sometimes for money,
At first, I felt nervous and had no respect left for myself,
To sell people of my age,
Specially girls,
Young girls,
Thinking of selling them was horrifying,
It filled my heart with terror,
What does it mean to be a whore?
As a girl, I could understand it too well,
To let every man touch all parts of their body,
Letting their fingers runs through their breasts, navel, chest, hips and vagina,
I imagined they must feel like that frightened cat on which someone had thrown a cup of cold water,
At first it was painful, it felt like, I should be sent to deepest of all hells,
But I am a human and I got used to it, I couldn't let go and now the man I killed was the last man that knew I was a seller that sells everything,
Because Barsha is a simple owner of an apartment,
I am not the seller that sells everything,
That was all in the past,
People will forgive me cause "Life has no meaning and so whatever I do shall be forgiven, I can never make mistakes, it is all other people's fault,"
For I am the first and the last,
I am the venerated and the despised,
Always respect me,
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one,