Let me ask you a question,
Have you ever washed cold steel utensils?
I don't think you have but I have, when that -2 degrees Celsius water hits your hand in the middle of winter, your hands stop working for minutes,
Its feels like current are running through your muscles and will freeze and will also so feel painful sensations like a someone had thrown a melted iron into hands,
In that cold water I have to wash hundreds of utensils for hours,
At first, I felt disgusted as I am a clean freak,
Like what the fuck, there is no need to do this,
I can just ask for money from my parents,
But in the end, I slowly started doing the job and I got used to it.
Imagine hundreds of plates Infront of you, some had dried food in it and sometimes you have to use your fingernails to get that dried food removed from plates,
I hate stench of that place even then I go there in the cold of winter just to wash those fucking utensils,
My hand has lost all the luster and smoothness which you would expect from a young hand of someone who is only 18,
My knuckles look grey and there are black scabs on them, they are also full of cracks, touching them feels like I am touching rough stones,
My palm looks like root of old trees, my fingers look like they will wither away,
Why go through so much? If I could I ask for money from parents very easily and that is the problem,
I fucking can't look at them and ask for money,
And what is funny, you know?
This all what is happening to me is all because of my actions which are coming to drain soul out of me,
I didn't studied when I could have,
I didn't worked hard when I could have,
I didn't slept on time when I could have,
I didn't cared about the consequences of my action when I should have,
My life is filled with suffering because I could not let go of attachment and distractions,
I ran away from suffering in my past and now they have doubled and are hunting me like hounds,
And still now instead for studying for tomorrow's exam, I am roaming around here in the middle of city,
Knowing I will have to pay money for the re-exam if I failed and I even know that I will not ask for that money from my parents,
I have always run away from suffering and I still run away from them,
So, I envy you all who can work hard,
For I have lost all hope and I do not wish to seek for hope
For looking for hope is also a suffering,
All of this monologue was just to escape from the exam hanging in my head as an axe which is about to kill me,
To tell you the truth, I didn't want to study but when I remember those days of washing plates in hotel it terrifies me,
I used to be physically exhausted but most of all, I also used to be mentally abused by the owners,
But the consequences are acid of those actions which you took in the past and now that acid is what will slowly peel your pride away and make you dance naked in front of people,
All the things I am suffering is because of my past actions,
And I know I will never change,
For, I am too tired of living,
I just want to die,
So,
Even though I want to die but I very much fear death,