That night I woke up crying, having felt all the suffering, pain, and misery of the decimated fighters in green.
They carried our banner on their shoulders.
Izua woke from her sleep, feeling the blanket pull.
"Why are you whining again?"
"N-No...I...I have a stomachache..."
"Is it that time of the month? Go get dressed."
He put me out of bed to deal with my period. I lay crying, horrified by what I had seen, all night sitting on a chair in the kitchen in total darkness.
Finally, I took advantage of the middle of the night to write everything that was in my head down on a piece of paper with his ink...
All those deaths, incessant...I couldn't stop myself from blackening the page until the nib of the pen slipped and stained a good part of my story with ink
I woke from the trance at that moment and quickly put her quill back in the ink before leaving the room, taking the letter with me.
Suddenly, I heard the door open upstairs and threw the sheet of paper under the sofa.
"Ede. Bring me the water carafe," Izua said in a sleepy but already contemptuous voice.
"Yes."
I was relieved that was all it was.
In truth, I had intended to destroy that page of horrors I had written, but I forgot to do it after Izua asked me to go back to bed.
Lately, he had become calmer, more composed. He raised his voice less, was more open to suggestions, he had even installed a swing for Amaiera and Euria in the tree in front of the house. It was a relief, even though I understood that he would never be a nice person; I could still try to keep him in this intermediate state for as long as possible
I did everything before he told me to, I got up early, I quickly took care of the children and let them play outside. I helped Haina, I also helped him write his letters.
I had a good education, I had a vocabulary that allowed him to find synonyms to quickly vary his sentence structure. So he would go down to the kitchen to write his letters while I did the dishes. We spent more time together as a family; the tension between Amaiera and him dissipated because I
no longer seemed sad, and he could sense that. Sola... he was the most fearful but also the most attached to his father of the three.
He was too young to be judged, but it was already obvious. Izua seemed to have noticed and took care of him more often than the other two, whom I was constantly responsible for. That day, it was Friday, and Izua, who had been looking after Sola, felt overwhelmed. He interrupted my cleaning in the entryway, hastily handing him over to me
"I'm late, I have to hurry and drop off my papers. The messenger is waiting in town."
"Do you need my help?"
"If you could just go and get the horse and cart out."
I entrusted Sola to Haina, who had just returned from weeding in front of the pebbles at the entrance. I hurried to get Azus, our horse, out, trying to figure out how to hitch the cart to him. Haina quickly switched roles with me when Izua arrived in a panic. He should have left two hours ago, but he had gotten lost in his papers...
"I'm going."
"Good luck..."
He left without looking back, leaving Sola squirming and crying in my arms, Euria also crying because he had fallen while trying to find out what was happening, and Amaiera tugging at my dress, wanting me to come and comfort her brother.
...well...
While the children napped, Haina made us tea. We were both so exhausted that the warmth felt so pleasant in spring
"I was wondering, Ederra..." Haina said, raising the cup to her lips, sounding insecure as she rarely spoke. She continued, "How is it that the Count doesn't fall in love with a woman like you?"
My eyes widened in surprise at the question. I never thought I'd speak of love again, not even once in my married life.
"Izua? Love me? I'm sorry, Haina, but... I think that's the least of my worries."
"Yet, everything would be so simple if he loved you. He would take better care of the children, he would smile, in the evening before bed he would cuddle you, and you would fall asleep in each other's arms. He would make your life simpler too; you would be freer..."
She was looking at me with a pretty, closed smile, and I knew it was just an illusion, an impossible image, because this man seemed incapable of loving me, or even of becoming attached to a woman and children.
"Honestly, you're an understanding, very sweet woman who never makes waves. You're also the most beautiful I've ever seen, you're young and attractive...we're the same age, but I'm ugly next to you, so...I think if you tried to get physically closer to him, it would greatly improve your relationship.
The Count doesn't seem like the type of man to make the first move."
"...thank you...I'll think about it, Haina...."
Izua came home, and I called the children to the table. They all seemed to be in excellent spirits. I was the only one who was content to simply admire my reflection in the thick soup I had put in my cooking pot, which, for once, seemed to be to everyone's liking. Euria, who usually has a bird's appetite, even asked for three more ladles.
We were getting closer to the ideal of the perfect family, weren't we?
Izua lifted Sola, who laughed and played with him while I finished eating so I could feed him too.
I was still there alone... worrying about unimportant things... like what Haina had said earlier.
Love? Could there be any? No...because I would probably never love Izua...but I could pretend to love him if he ever decided he wanted me.
That night I went to bed having been unable to do anything for him because I was still menstruating.
I turned around several times to see Izua's bare back, which always seemed to face the wall rather than mine.
I thought about it for several days, during which everything went well. This "love" was a stage beyond peace, an unattainable stage... And as I lingered on this fixed idea, I was suddenly awakened in the middle of the night by a monstrous nightmare. I saw a child killed by its mother, and my brain associated it with me killing my children
This one was particularly hard to take, to the point where I started crying silently again.
"Does your stomach still hurt? Why do you have to cry every night? Are you going to tell me you're an unhappy woman again after all the effort I make for you?"
I quickly shook my head no before he got angry. I didn't know why, but after imagining him for so long, finally seeing Izua turned towards me, I snuggled into his arms, waiting to see his reaction as I let his last tears fall.
"I had a nightmare... I was afraid our sons would die."
"And you can't understand that it's just a dream?!" he said angrily before sighing.
I expected him to push me away violently, but no, his hand landed on my arm...
I didn't particularly like it, but for the first time, I was receiving human warmth from him. It subconsciously reminded me of the times I'd fall asleep against Behean in the summer grass, and he'd raise his arm to shade my face.
I'd end up falling asleep in that position, with that sweet dream quickly replacing my nightmares...
When I woke up, it was late. The sun was already high in the sky, and Izua had gotten out of bed without waking me.
I looked at the room as if it were unreal, this room where I never thought I'd wake up after 7 a.m.... the clock already read 9.
Since Izua was already locked in his office, I hurried to do the dishes and mop the floor.
The children were asleep too; I didn't know why this day was so quiet.
It was almost noon, and he still hadn't come downstairs...?
I went to knock on his office door, but it was empty.
Under pressure, I decided to go wake the children, who had slept well, so they could come and eat what I had prepared.
I searched outside, but Izua had completely disappeared.
I kept a plate for Izua on the table while I started cleaning the others. I didn't know what he had gone to do, but
It made me a little anxious. It was the first time it had happened, and it was the same day I'd tried a new approach back then.
I heard the door open and heavy footsteps enter. It wasn't long before a hand was on my hip and lips were on my cheek while my back was turned and I couldn't see him... Huh?
His lips were thin and icy, a sensation I didn't know.
When I turned around, I saw pretty blond locks and blue-green eyes piercing my soul.
"Miss Beste, your husband is back."
"H-Hitzac...? What are you doing here...? Where's Izua?"
He went to sit next to Euria, who was eating her dessert, in order to eat Izua's slightly cold meal.
He shared his mashed potatoes with him because he said he was still hungry.
"You've grown, haven't you? You'll be taller than me soon."
I told them to go upstairs before they caused any trouble, and I also asked Amaiera to bring up Sola, who was sleeping. Hitzak was sitting and enjoying my food as if nothing was amiss, even though he was the emperor.
"Have you ever been told your mashed potatoes are fantastic? What do you put in them?" he asked me innocently with a silly grin, although it wasn't a time for jokes.
"Thank you... for telling me my cooking is good, but... I'd like to know the specific reason for your visit... if you don't mind..."
He took a folded piece of paper from his pocket, his expression darker and more serious than a few seconds ago. The paper looked as if it had been dragged from afar. He handed it to me while eating, looking disinterested, only turning his eyes when I began to unfold it...
"Does this ring a bell to you?"