The door to my room was closed, which either meant that Xavier was still sleeping or he was gone. Either way, my pants, underwear, and the sheets were disgusting and the laundry room-- a closet with a dryer unit stacked atop a washer --was in a closet next to the kitchen anyways.
I stripped off my soiled clothes, and the sheets, and scavenged one of Xavier's oversized tees.
The awkward balancing act I put up, trying not to drop anything while simultaneously also keeping it far away from me, took my entire focus. As I walked down the hall I muttered curses to myself. I opened the washer with one hand and used my entire body to shove the mess in.
Behind me, Xavier cleared his throat. The musical chimes from the washer's buttons helped ground me as the reality of what I'd done came crashing down on me.
"Your bed's super uncomfortable and you're right. The room's haunted," I turned around to continue voicing my annoyances and found Xavier sitting at the kitchen table…with Kay.
Kay's eyes flicked from my face down to my exposed thighs then back up. I grabbed the hem of the shirt and pulled it down. The motion caused it to pull up in the back.
I tried to pull the back down.
It lifted in the front.
I dropped into a squat and tucked my entire body into the shirt.
"Good morning Lee," Kay's morning voice was gravely, like it'd been in the dream.
Hearing him say my name again, with that voice, suddenly I had a more pressing issue than my state of undress. I began listing the names of all my teachers since preschool and kept my face turned down.
"Morning…Kay," I squeaked out.
"I'd ask if you slept well but…"
I finally looked up. Kay was looking between Xavier and me. Xavier looked back at him with that dopey head tilt, utterly oblivious to the conclusion Kay was drawing.
The NEW worst day of my life. Who knew it'd come about right on the tail of the previous title holder.
"Kay made breakfast," Xavier offered after an uncomfortable stretch of silence.
"Actualy…" Kay turned towards the door. His jaw was tense making the veins on his neck stand out. My traitorous dick twitched. Kay swallowed and turned back to Xavier with the world's worst fake smile, "I should probably head out."
He turned towards me. His eyes went soft with pity and he frowned. After some mental deliberation he nodded to me and said, "It was nice…seeing you."
"...yeah," I croaked, going back to examining patterns in the faux hardwood flooring.
I stayed like that-- curled up and still --even after hearing the door close. It wasn't until Xavier's shadow loomed over me that I bothered to look up.
"Why're you so freaked? Kay's a guy too!"
"That's the problem," I muttered bitterly.
"Huh?"
I stood up, pointedly refusing to repeat myself, and marched back to my room. I slammed the door behind me only to immediately regret it. I hated loud noises. Especially doors closing. It reminded me of…cherry lipstick and a heart-breakingly hollow smile.
Instead of dwelling on the past, I formed a plan.
Just because Xavier was oblivious didn't mean I had to pretend to be. Kay had just seen me come out of his crush's room…with no clothes on. Any normal guy would be heartbroken. While I remained firm on my decision not to tell him about the kissing fiasco, I could at the very least clear up his misunderstandings about Xavier and my relationship.
After cleaning up and getting dressed, I sprinted out the door. I grabbed my keys from their hook. A pink hook shaped like a cat poking out of a box. It matched Xavier's blue one.
Oh god we really did act like a couple.
The mad sprint down the sidewalk gave me time to seriously consider the homosexual undertones in mine and Xavier's friendship. We lived together. We did everything together. We had multiple sets of couple items. It was only for cost effectiveness-- but that's exactly what a closet case would say.
To make matters worse, I actually was a closet case.
While preoccupied by entering the acceptance phase of my grief cycle, I slammed into someone. We both tumbled forward. I braced for the pain but it never came. Instead I landed on something warm and pliable.
Steady arms wrapped around me and I could feel someone huffing out strained breaths on the top of my head. I pulled away from the embrace and looked up.
"Lee, you ok?" Kay, despite being the one who'd cushioned my fall, looked genuinely concerned for me.
He was a better man than me. I don't know what I'd do if I saw tangible proof that Kay was sleeping with someone. If my attitude towards Xavier in the past twelve hours were an indicator then I wouldn't handle it with a modicum of Kay's maturity.
I was delusional to think I could be with him.
Not that I'd ever truly believed I had a chance. My little crush was destined to crumble under its own weight sooner or later. Best case scenario I'd keep pining until the end of college then never see him again.
This was punishment for my hubris. It was time to stop being a sore loser and prove that I-- at the very least --deserved to call myself his friend.
"It's not what you think!"
I sat up and scrambled off of Kay.
Kay braced his elbows on the sidewalk and pushed himself upright, "Don't worry, I know it was just an accident. You always lose track of your surroundings when you're preoccupied."
His soft laugh combined with those sad eyes made my foolish heart skip a beat. How was he so considerate even to me, his (perceived)love rival? No one else bothered to pay attention to little details like that, not even the people who said they loved me.
A thought came into focus.
He isn't just jealous.
He hates me.
Deep, down to the bone, hate. The kind that makes you slash tires and research unmonitored riverbeds in the area.
Of course this was how my first love was destined to end. Tied up in a burlap sack and tossed into the river. Hopefully Kay would at least monologue for a while so I could hear his voice before I went to sleep with the fishes.
"Did you hit your head?" Kay cupped my face with both hands and stared down at me with a worried expression, "I thought I caught you but I guess the impact alone could be enough to-"
"I'm fine," I pulled out of Kay's hold. My face burned and I knew I must look like a lobster with blush blindness, "I-I'm sorry. But I just- I just wanted to tell you that…"
Kay ran a hand over his face and laughed bitterly, "I won't get in between you if that's what-"
"NO!" I screeched, causing several passersby, already peeping because of the fall, to jump. I clamped a hand over my mouth and looked around nervously.
Kay stood and offered me a hand. When I paused he dropped it and stared at his feet sadly. I could feel his pain as if it were my own. In a way it was. I was putting Kay through exactly what I'd gone through yesterday.
The only difference being that his pain was all a misunderstanding. Whereas I could only dream to be so lucky.
"Let's go somewhere else," I stood and dusted off my pants. Kay nodded silently.
We ended up finding a secluded bench in the small park at the center of campus.
Kay was the first to speak, "Sooo, what exactly is it that you think I'm thinking wrongly."
My eyebrows pinched in confusion at his poor wording. I shook my head and braced myself for what I was about to say.
"Xavier and I aren't…"
"Not what?" Kay prompted. I could hear a tinge of hope in his voice and decided to pretend it didn't break my heart a little.
"Not…a couple or anything."
"Ok."
Kay was grinning. I didn't need to look at him to know. His voice got this shining quality to it when he was happy. And he'd never been good at covering it up. Or maybe he didn't care to. Either way, I was grateful. His open expressions of joy made my life brighter.
"So, this morning- You were just…"
I entwined my fingers in my lap and tried my best to keep my voice as steady as possible, "I was just sleeping in his bed."
In my peripheral vision I saw Kay's forearms tense.
"Just for one night," I added, "As a favor."
"Oh…um…do you," Kay cleared his throat, "Do that kind of favor often?"
He sounded upset. Fair enough, I wouldn't want another man sleeping in his bed even if it wasn't sexual.
"I wouldn't for anyone but him-" Realizing my slip up I quickly amended my statement, "I mean- I only do that kind of thing with people I'm close to."
Kay didn't say anything. I wanted to reassure him, let him know I'd never think of sabotaging his crush, no matter how doomed it was. But if I did, I'd have to let slip that it was me he'd kissed. Then I'd be back to the Kay-less future I was trying so hard to avoid.
When Kay finally spoke it was with a voice I hadn't heard before. It was something like a warning.
"Are we close?"
I looked at him for the first time since sitting on the bench. His face was neutral but something dark boiled inside his eyes. I'd grown so used to his kindness that I'd forgotten what other people said about him.
Some said he had anger issues. That he'd been notorious for getting in fights in high school and he had to get a special exemption just to attend college. I'd also heard that he was a notorious womanizer. While the ladder could safely be assumed false, I was starting to worry about the former.
"No!" I said quickly. When Kay's expression grew even darker I shook my head, "I mean-I mean yes. We're close! I mean you're a dear friend to me and I'd do anything if it meant helping you out."
"Anything?"