Chapter Thirty-One: Keiran vs. Percy
The morning after the engagement high, the mansion woke to the sound of chaos.
Not the usual chaos—the gentle hum of Keiran's cartoons, the clatter of the kitchen, Keigan's grumpy morning noises.
This was different.
This was Percy.
---
Jay woke to shouting.
Not angry shouting. Dramatic shouting. There was a difference.
"KEIRAN! PUT ME DOWN! THIS IS UNDIGNIFIED!"
She blinked, looking at Keifer. "Is that Percy?"
Keifer groaned, pulling a pillow over his head. "Ignore it. Maybe he'll go away."
"KEIFER! YOUR NEPHEW IS ATTACKING ME! HELP!"
Jay sat up, grinning. "We have to see this."
"No we don't."
"Yes we do." She was already out of bed, pulling on Keifer's shirt. "Come on."
Keifer emerged from the pillow, resigned. "This is going to be hilarious, isn't it?"
"Probably."
---
They found the scene in the living room.
Percy was on the floor—sprawled dramatically, one hand pressed to his chest like a dying Victorian heroine. Standing over him, fists on his tiny hips, was Keiran.
Rex lay nearby, apparently serving as moral support.
"You hit Pappy!" Keiran accused.
"I did NOT hit Pappy!"
"You did! I saw! You hit Pappy's arm!"
"I tapped his arm! To get his attention! That's not hitting!"
"Is TOO hitting!" Keiran demonstrated by "tapping" Percy's arm again. "See? Hitting!"
Percy looked at Jay and Keifer, betrayed. "He's been doing this for ten minutes. TEN MINUTES. He woke me up, accused me of hitting Keifer, and has been attacking me ever since."
Jay bit her lip, fighting laughter. "Keiran, baby, why do you think Tito Percy hit Pappa?"
"Cause I saw! This morning! In kitchen! Tito Percy came and hit Pappa!"
Keifer frowned. "Percy came to the kitchen this morning?"
Percy sat up, indignant. "I came to get coffee! I tapped your arm to say good morning! That's all!"
Keifer thought back. Faint memory—Percy arriving, a tap on the arm, a cheerful "morning!"
"That's what he's talking about," Keifer said slowly. "Percy tapped my arm. Said good morning."
Keiran's eyes widened. "Tapping is hitting!"
"It's really not, buddy."
"Is TOO! Tapping is little hitting! Still hitting!"
Percy pointed at Keiran. "He's been hitting me back! For ten minutes! With tiny fists! It hurts!"
"Does not hurt," Keiran scoffed. "You big baby."
"I am NOT a big baby!"
"Are too! Pappy not crying. Pappy big and strong. Tito Percy crying like baby."
Percy's mouth opened and closed. He looked at Jay. "He's three. He's three and he's destroying me."
Jay gave up fighting laughter. She doubled over, cackling.
Keifer wasn't much better, shoulders shaking.
Keigan appeared in the doorway, phone out. "Did someone say tiny fists of fury?"
"KEIGAN! HELP ME!"
"Nah. This is funny." He started filming.
---
The situation escalated.
Keiran, encouraged by his audience, began demonstrating his "fighting skills."
"See? This is how Pappa taught me!" He threw a series of punches at the air—wild, uncoordinated, adorable. "Hi-YAH! HI-YAH!"
Percy scrambled backward. "Keifer! You taught him martial arts?"
"I taught him some basic self-defense! For emergencies!"
"THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!"
Keiran advanced. "Tito Percy scared? Tito Percy should be scared! Keiran strong!"
"You're three! You weigh thirty pounds!"
"Thirty pounds of FURY!" Keiran punched the air again.
Jay was crying now, literally crying with laughter. Keifer had given up and was leaning against the wall, wheezing.
Keigan kept filming, narrating quietly. "And here we see the mighty Keiran, defender of justice, facing down the fearsome Percy. Note the form. The technique. The sheer audacity."
Percy looked at him. "You're supposed to be on MY side!"
"I'm on the side of good content."
"KEIFER!"
"She has a point," Keifer managed. "This is great content."
---
Honey appeared, drawn by the noise.
She took one look at the scene—Percy cowering, Keiran advancing, everyone else laughing—and sighed.
"What did you do?"
"ME? I didn't do ANYTHING! HE attacked ME!"
"Tito Percy hit Pappa!" Keiran explained. "I defended honor!"
Honey looked at Percy. "You hit Keifer?"
"I TAPPED him! To say good morning!"
Honey considered this. Then she knelt to Keiran's level. "Sweetheart, tapping someone to say good morning isn't hitting. It's just a friendly touch. Like when you tap me to get my attention."
Keiran considered this. "But Tito Percy tapped HARD."
"I did NOT tap hard!"
"You big. Hard to you is soft to me. But to Pappa, maybe hard?" Keiran looked at Keifer. "Pappa, did Tito Percy hit hard?"
Keifer, still laughing, managed to compose himself. "No, buddy. It was a gentle tap. Just friendly."
"Oh." Keiran's face fell. Then he brightened. "So I no need defend honor?"
"Honor is safe."
Keiran nodded. Then he turned to Percy. "Sorry, Tito Percy. I no hit you more."
Percy stared at him. "You're... apologizing?"
"Yes. Sorry."
"That's... that's actually very mature."
Keiran nodded. "Now can we have pancakes? I hungry."
---
Peace restored, they moved to the kitchen.
Percy nursed his wounded pride (and possibly his wounded arm—Keiran's punches were surprisingly effective). Honey patted his back sympathetically. Keigan kept filming, because of course he did.
Jay made pancakes. Keifer made coffee. Keiran supervised from his special stool.
Halfway through breakfast, Percy spoke up.
"He called me a big baby."
"You were being a big baby," Honey said.
"I was being DRAMATIC. There's a difference."
"You were on the floor. With your hand on your chest. Like you were dying."
"It was called for!"
Keiran looked up from his pancakes. "Tito Percy funny. Like clown."
Percy perked up. "Clown? Like... funny ha-ha?"
"Like circus clown. Silly. Fall down lots."
Honey snorted. Keigan choked on his juice.
Percy deflated. "He's three. He's three and he's already mastered the backhanded compliment."
"I learn from best." Keiran looked at Jay. "Mamma good at backhanded compliments. She says Tita Gemma cooking 'interesting.' That means bad, right?"
Jay choked on her coffee. "Keiran!"
"What? You said it! Last week! 'Tita Gemma's fish is interesting!' Keigan explained what you meant!"
Keigan suddenly found his pancakes fascinating.
Percy howled with laughter. "Oh my god, the three-year-old is exposing everyone! This is the best day!"
---
By the time breakfast ended, Percy had fully recovered.
Mostly because Keiran had decided they were friends again.
"Tito Percy, want play?"
"Play what?"
"Dinosaurs. You be T-Rex. I be Raptor. Rex be referee."
Percy looked at the stuffed dinosaur. "Rex is referee?"
"Rex good referee. Very fair."
Percy considered. Then he grinned. "Okay, little man. You're on."
They spent the next hour playing dinosaurs. Percy was surprisingly committed—roaring, stomping, pretending to eat furniture. Keiran shrieked with delight.
Honey watched from the couch, smiling. "He's good with kids."
Jay nodded. "He's good with Keiran."
"They're both children, really."
"Accurate."
---
Later, after Percy and Honey left, Keiran climbed onto Jay's lap.
"Mamma?"
"Yes, baby?"
"Tito Percy funny. But he not as strong as Pappa."
"Pappa's pretty strong."
"Pappa strongest. After Rex." Keiran nodded wisely. "But Tito Percy good for playing. And falling down."
Jay laughed. "He is good at falling down."
"When I big, I want be like Pappa. Strong. But also like Tito Percy. Funny. So people laugh."
She hugged him tight. "You're already both, baby. Strong and funny. The best combination."
"Like Mamma?"
"Like Mamma?"
"You strong AND funny. And pretty. And give best hugs." He squeezed her. "Best Mamma ever."
Jay's eyes filled with tears. "Best Keiran ever."
Keifer appeared in the doorway, watching them. His expression was soft, full of love.
"Everything okay?"
Keiran nodded. "Mamma and me talking. About being best."
"Best at what?"
"Everything."
Keifer crossed to them, wrapping his arms around both. "That's true. You're both the best at everything."
"Even Pappa?"
"Especially Pappa."
Keiran beamed. "Good. Now more pancakes?"
Jay laughed. "You just ate!"
"Gotta keep strength up. For defending honor."
"From who?"
Keiran thought. "Tito Percy might attack again. Need be ready."
Keifer looked at Jay. "He's never letting this go, is he?"
"Never."
"Good." Keifer kissed her forehead. "Our tiny warrior."
Keiran nodded solemnly. "Tiny but mighty."
"That's right, baby."
"Now pancakes?"
They made more pancakes.
Because that's what you did when your three-year-old was a tiny warrior who'd just defeated Percy in battle.
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End of Chapter Thirty-One