Jayden Traves
"When is your birthday?"
He asked to open a topic. I smiled as I sipped on the cup of my milk before replying. I'm used to it every time there is. Every sip lightens my mood. This day is tiring.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"It's protractedly"
Not in the mood, I replied. I just want to rest. It feels like my head was too heavy without knowing the reason. I also can't identify if my temperature was still normal or not.
Jayden Traves
"When?"
Andria Jay Del Valle
"April. How about yours?"
I don't know if my replies are being dull or cold, but I can't help myself from being so. It seems like there's a dark aura that surrounds me which controls my senses to act like this.
Jayden Traves
"Just passed by. Last Dec. 10"
Remembering how he called me baka because his late on that day made me smile. So it was his birthday but I didn't even know.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"haha...awit"
This mood is really so sucky. I don't want to make him feel as if I wasn't interested. I really want to talk to him, but I don't know how.
Jayden Traves
"Haysstt"
I don't know if he is also frustrated or if my replies are just affecting him. But I hope it wasn't.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Why?"
Short, I responded. Maybe I'm too drained that I can't even type a long sentence. I hope he's patient enough to understand me.
Jayden Traves
"I thought you'd cry tonight?"
My hand suddenly froze in the air, preventing me from sipping my milk. His response was really unexpected.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Like seriously? You really waited for it?"
I thought he wouldn't remember what I had told him earlier. I was just joking that time.
Jayden Traves
"Yeah I want to know how monkeys cry"
I frowned when I read his reply. He's racking me off again. Hayss.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"No. I don't want to cry. My head hurts, there's a tendency I'll do it too much and I'll end up lying on the floor"
I wanted to cry but I didn't want to. I know at this point crying is a solution to lessen my headache and the heaviness I was feeling. However, I don't want to push myself, I don't want to cry. Hays.
Jayden Traves
"Ok, don't cry"
He replied makes me smile a little bit. It reminds me of Hudz.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Good. Nice that you got it"
I rejoinder trying to close the conversation yet…
Jayden Traves
"Did you know the song at my worst?"
He asked. I suddenly looked up at the roof while thinking. I'm not familiar with it, is it a new song?
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Aneyo *shook my head* what's the lyrics?"
I found out that the lyrics of the song he's referring to are good as he sent me those. It's just like comforting someone. I wonder what kind of tone it obtains.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Nyay you remember someone in the song?"
I try to make my mood lighter while walking back to my bed. I wanted to crawl on it and hug my pillow as of now.
Jayden Traves
"Hmm I don't know, I just find it nice"
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Yeah the lyrics were haha"
I agreed trying to be neutral. I don't want to give any hint that I'm too weak right now.
Jayden Traves
"And the song that should be me, I got an idea for a video"
He shared. I smiled bitterly as I realized that he's somewhat opening himself up, yet, here I am, still stuck to the memories of the past.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Hahaha, that should be me? wews video?"
I know I'm fooling myself for making it hyper, but I can't help it. My headache is starting to become stronger dang it.
Jayden Traves
"Yeah, story but in a video way"
I tried to act and composed myself as neutrally as it was until I couldn't hold it anymore. For the nth time, here am I in the middle of the night, drawn and lost.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"None...NVM *come closer/hugs/squeeze*"
I hug my pillow tightly as I send my response. I can't take this anymore. It's heavy. I closed my eyes and let my tears roll down my cheek. As my messenger pop-up, I tried to wipe it to see his response.
Jayden Traves
"You really are chansing"
I smiled a little bit as I opened it. I don't know if he really doesn't have any idea what was happening to me right now or if he was just acting as if he knew nothing.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"'Let me be for now *tightens*"
I favored and tightened my hug to the pillow as if he were the one I was hugging.
Jayden Traves
"You'll just go on crying 😒"
Maybe I look crazy. Smiling while the tears are falling. I can't help but smile, I really do appreciate him. I wish he were here on my side.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"'Is this not what you want? *huddle more*"
I'm used to crying without any sounds, so that I can't even do any single move. Just like that, hugging my pillow and let every drop of tears fall. I'm just biting the pillow I was hugging and there were times I was just biting my lips to prevent myself from making any noise. The lights are also turned off that's why I don't have any worries that my grandmother will know I was crying.
Jayden Traves
"Yeah whatever"
He responded that I only replied with a smiling emoji to close our conversation yet…
Jayden Traves
"I'm sleepy"
He still managed to reply.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"You should sleep🙂"
I commanded while having a half smile. So far so good. I'm kinda ok but not totally. I know there will be another set of tears again once he sleeps. I just want to be alone as of now, but on the other side, I was hoping I had some strength to hold on to him just for this night.
Jayden Traves
"But you'll still cry"
And with that, I know to myself, he hits the spot again. Damn it.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"'Don't worry, since I hug you, I cried already so you should sleep"
I responded and wiped my tears, yet no difference. There's always a new tear coming out after I wipe them.
"Damn it damn it damn it, you already knew that I cried so you must sleep😂😂😂"
I commanded calmly despite the fact that I wanted to burst out everything.
Jayden Traves
"Nahh later. Why did you cry?"
My senses slightly calm down as I read his response. However, those memories from the past linger more in my mind.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Memories😂😂fuck those memories😂😂You know what was hurt? all of them were nowhere to be found...but me...still can't forget the memories, for the happiness they gave and worst...their words while comforting me are still repeating in my mind😂😂😂"
I ranted. I can't hold this anymore. It hurts... hahaha I want to forget. I want this stupidity of mine to stop, I want to let go but it's hard. How to let go? I don't know.
Jayden Traves
"Ohh so you're still stuck in those memories you have"
His calm words made me feel that he is there, waiting and listening. That somehow I can count on him. All my life, I'm used to crying and battling with myself alone. I don't want to be a burden. I gave advice to the others, gave them comfort, leaned my shoulder when they needed, but when it comes to myself, I can't do it. I can't open myself up just like how they open their selves on me. It's selfish but I can't. Weird thing is, he's the only one who makes me feel like this. Even though I was trying my best not to let him know that I am dealing with something, I still didn't control it, I blurted them out.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"*nods*"
I replied making him know and feel that I'm drained.
"You know what? hahahaha just what the heck"
I added but my mind went blank. It's like there's a thing that clogged on it that prevented me from forming a sentence aside from cussing.
Jayden Traves
"Who are those?"
He replied makes me smile a little again. I realized how good it was to have someone who does the things you did to others.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Kambal, Hudz, kuya Ken, and worst Dave hahahahaha it was funny😂😂"
I usually use hahahaha in my sentences every time I cry. It filtered my true emotions. I don't want to be seen in my vulnerable state.
Jayden Traves
"Your ex?"
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Yah. It was funny to think how the cussing of my kambal makes my day good and whole😂😂"
I shared while tears flow on my cheeks. I'm tired of wiping it so I let them fall on my pillow instead
"It's heartwarming to remember how Hudz comforts me while saying...don't cry your penguin is here"
I added while reminiscing about those memories even though it still hurts.
Jayden Traves
"What happened to her/him?"
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Gone😂😂delete account together with the conversations"
I felt turned away. It's been so long yet, I still can't move on.
Jayden Traves
"1st or 2nd?"
He asked whether Dave is my first ex or second.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"2nd😂😂"
Jayden Traves
"I think you loved him the most"
A bitter smile formed on my lips as I thought of his statement. I, myself doesn't know the answer. I usually find it hard to name every emotion that I feel.
"Ohh you think they still think of you?"
He added. Simple question yet impactful. It's like a poison that weakens my system.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"That's it...because they don't...everything was left as a memory. I know that the only thing that was left was just memories but I still can't help myself from being sad every time I remember those memories of ours😂😂"
I honestly open up. It's heavy and it hurts. I want to let this all out. Even just for this night. I want to open myself up to this stranger just to lessen the heaviness I felt.
Jayden Traves
"It can't be prevented but try to move on. Why can they leave you?"
It's like I was slapped by truth. It hurts. I don't know how to erase them from my mind eventhough I know I was already forgotten by them. Maybe, it was lame for the others. Crying your heart out to the person who leaves you is an act of stupidity.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"I already accepted that they were already gone but still I miss them. I want to talk to them but I know, everything only remained as memories and you know what? 1 yr and 6 months since I know Kambal and Hudz today the reason why you can't make me repulse from it😂😂"
I smile bitterly as I feel exhausted. Worst battle within yourself, the battle between reality and stupidity. It's like you know what the reality was, but you still choose to stay in your imagination.
Jayden Traves
"And look at you now, can't move on. You want to talk with them then talk how?"
He replied makes me weaker
"What do you mean by that?"
He added referring to my last sentence.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"June 16 is the day when I meet them"
I started.
Jayden Traves
"It couldn't be removed easily😒"
Andria Jay Del Valle
"They are the first ones who became my friends here in RP 😂😂"
I rejoinder remembering how I met Hudz and Kambal.
I was on the verge of exploring how the so-called role play world works, when I accidentally fall on a chain prank. It was several dares that you needed to post on your timeline and let the others give their reactions or comments. It happened that Hudz became my victim and so everything started. He asked me if I wanted to join a gang. As a newbie, I got curious and so, I joined leading me to know Kambal and the other members of the Arnoux Warrior Territory. Hudz became my first friend here in role play world. He guides me and trains me well. He helps me to know everything that I wanted to know and so, I got attached. He was like ice, cold yet comforting. On the other hand, Kambal was his opposite. He's naughty and hyper. I treat him as my causing machine. There's no other day I didn't get any cussing from him. He was like a sunrise that gives me energy to start my day.
Jayden Traves
"Ahh, you remember the date ah. Do you believe in the saying when someone leaves, another will come?"
I nodded at what he had said. I do. I really do, yet, in my case, those sayings are hard to apply because destiny usually played me. Every time I thought I had already healed from it, some things would trigger and open it again.
We maintained our conversation until I got sober. I'm thankful that he is there to listen. It was my first time telling my stories and ranting about my emotions. I did it to my friends in the real world sometimes but it wasn't really detailed. They don't even know how I hurt myself using some sharp words and even the reason for my tears, after all, I don't allow myself to let them know that I'm devastated. I'm not fond of it especially letting the other see my weakness but with him, I totally show my emotions that no one notices. It feels like, I'm being the other version of myself.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"Thank you😊😊now you see a monkey crying char😂😂"
I started to joke again. Without him, I'll surely overcome it again alone.
Jayden Traves
"For?"
His question makes my eyes roll. Tsk, sometimes he was really slow.
Andria Jay Del Valle
"For listening?"
Jayden Traves
"Monkey crying at the bed. And that's my specialty"
Andria Jay Del Valle
"And it's dangerous for me🙂because I know these memories will also leave a scar on me😊"
I replied worriedly. It's like I already knew where it leads. I don't want it to happen, but I couldn't deny the fact that no one will stay. Everyone comes and goes.
"Gosh, bye for now and you should sleep too"
I commanded and then logged out.
Jayden Traves
"These memories? It's a beautiful scars"