Kōichi brought his staff down hard onto the wooden floor. It was still slightly warm from the turbulence of magic, and the dull thud was enough to make even the noisy background chatter in the Adventurers Guild fall silent for a moment.
Looking at Kazuma's face, practically stamped all over with Luck EX, Kōichi smiled like he already had this in the bag.
"Kazuma, if we're choosing a captain, then obviously we can't judge it by personal combat strength alone, or by something as vague as luck." Stepping over Aqua, who was still crouched on the floor drawing circles, Kōichi looked Kazuma straight in the eye. "A proper captain has to be someone this group... ahem, this group of highly distinctive companions can genuinely accept from the bottom of their hearts. So let's settle this with a vote. Whoever wins the support of Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin becomes this party's rightful leader."
Kazuma froze for a second, then let out a mocking laugh. He leaned back in his chair with both hands behind his head, looking completely at ease.
"A popularity contest? Kōichi, have you already forgotten how I've been dragging this bunch through one near-death situation after another? Sure, I mouthed off a little just now, but when it comes to time spent together and actual rapport, who do you think they'll pick. A pervert who can't even hold on to his own underwear, or me, their dependable guide?"
"Oh? Then let's find out."
Kōichi turned to Aqua, who had finally stopped crying and was now staring at the two of them with red, puffy eyes full of curiosity, and then to Darkness, whose breathing had started growing heavier for reasons that were probably best left unexplored.
The lights in the guild hall flickered faintly from insufficient magical power, stretching everyone's shadows long across the room.
Sensing that things were turning against him, Kazuma instantly switched to the most sincere, tempting expression he could manage. He leaned in close to Aqua's ear and lowered his voice, while still making sure everyone could hear him.
"Aqua, listen. If I become captain, then two million out of that 6.3 million is yours to do whatever you want with. Axel's most expensive divine bubbly, that top-grade marbled beef that sends you straight to heaven in one bite, I'll get you all of it. I'll even buy you one of those silk nightgowns with lace trim so you can finally say goodbye to sleeping on hay in the stables. Well? What do you think?"
That one-two combo of money and gourmet food hit Aqua right in her weakest spot.
The idiot Goddess, who had been sniffling in wounded misery just moments ago, suddenly had both her water-blue eyes shining like a pair of thousand-watt lamps.
Her pretty little face, which had practically been screaming you're all devils a second ago, now began twisting under visions of pools of wine and mountains of meat. A glistening trail of drool had even started forming at the corner of her mouth.
"R-Really? Two million? And premium beef and sparkling wine too?" Aqua turned to Kazuma, and the look in her eyes had already changed from hatred into the desperate yearning of someone staring at a long-term meal ticket. "Kazuma... even if you are a shut-in, you do say something worthwhile once in a while! In that case, I suppose I can reluctantly—"
"Aqua, are you forgetting something?"
Kōichi cut in without warning, his voice flat and calm, like he was simply stating an unchangeable truth.
He walked slowly up to Aqua, looked down at this intellectually questionable Goddess, and pointed at Kazuma, who was standing there with a smug grin on his face.
"Have you stopped to think about why you're here right now? Why you're not sitting on that sacred, comfortable throne in heaven, sipping the finest divine nectar offered up by your followers, but instead wearing clothes that are practically starting to mildew, risking your life against crocodiles in the sewers, and wagging your tail at some shut-in over a few bottles of booze?"
Aqua's face froze, like someone had hit pause.
"Who was it that dragged you down at reincarnation like you were a piece of carry-on luggage?" Kōichi took a step forward with every word. "Who made you haul bricks around Axel for months, so broke you could only afford half-price boxed dinners? Who left you, a Goddess, drowning in tens of millions of debt and nearly got you seized by creditors to pay it off?"
Aqua's pupils began trembling violently as all those blood-and-tears memories she had been deliberately ignoring came rushing back like a tidal wave.
"If not for him, you'd still be the lofty Goddess of Water up in heaven." Kōichi gave a truly devilish smile and delivered the finishing blow. "And yet you're actually planning to pick the man who ruined your entire life as captain? Are you repaying your mortal enemy out of gratitude?"
"U... uwaaaaaaaaaah!! I remember! I remember all of it!!" Aqua suddenly let out an ear-splitting scream, then whipped around and glared at Kazuma like she was staring at the murderer of her father. "Kazuma, you bastard!! This is all your fault! If it weren't for you, why would I be suffering here like this?! And you were actually going to use my money to bribe me with booze? That's my money! All of it is mine!!"
She sprang to her feet and lunged at Kazuma like an enraged kitten, unleashing a wild Goddess flurry straight at his face.
"Hey! Kōichi, you bastard! That's just tearing open old wounds and dumping salt into them! Aqua, stop! Your nails are digging into me! Ow, ow, ow!!"
Kazuma dodged in a panic while shouting at Kōichi.
In the guild hall, Aqua was still relentlessly clawing and biting at Kazuma's calves, but Kazuma no longer had the luxury of caring about the pain. His bloodshot eyes were locked firmly on Megumin, who had just rubbed her sleepy eyes open and was staring around in confusion.
"Megumin! You woke up at the perfect time!" Kazuma violently shook Aqua off and practically crawled his way over to Megumin.
He took a deep breath, as though steeling himself for something profoundly humiliating, then suddenly jumped back a step and struck an absurdly exaggerated pose straight out of the Crimson Demon Clan playbook. His left hand covered his right eye, his right hand stretched toward the sky like a claw, and his body tilted at an outrageously twisted angle.
"My dearest friend, the great archmage who dwells within the crimson lotus of the abyss and commands the ultimate secret of the end, Megumin!"
Kazuma's voice echoed through the empty guild hall with the kind of mortifying intensity that made toes curl.
"In the dark depths of that sewer, I saw it! The ultimate art, enough to make the stars fall and wipe all things into oblivion! Yes, other than you, there is no one in this world worthy of the name Explosion! You are the lone traveler walking the path of truth, and I, Kazuma Satou, am willing to become the witness to that light of destruction with which you illuminate the world! Choose me! Only I can understand your noble and passionate soul!"
Megumin froze, her crimson eyes faintly gleaming in the moonlight.
As a seasoned chuuni of the Crimson Demon Clan, she was obviously shaken by this thoroughly professional display of mutual genre-specific glorification.
"K-Kazuma... that pose just now, the angle of your elbow was still off by three degrees, but those words... mm, they really did speak to my heart." Megumin's cheeks flushed faintly as she self-consciously twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "I never expected a stealthy thief whose main talent is stealing things to possess such refined taste..."
Watching Megumin teeter on the verge of being won over, Kōichi sneered inwardly.
When it came to dealing with this bunch of problem children, he was operating on an entirely different level.
"Megumin, empty praise may sound nice, but can it fill your stomach... no, more importantly, can it satisfy you once every single day?" Kōichi stepped forward at an unhurried pace, his tone dripping with irresistible temptation. "Kazuma is nothing but talk, but I can offer you real support. If I become captain, then from now on, I personally promise to accompany you out of town every day to find the perfect target. Whether it's a giant boulder or an unlucky cabbage, if you want to blow it up, I'll take you there. And..."
Kōichi deliberately paused, then flashed a smile full of considerate warmth.
"After you cast your spell and go limp all over, unable to move, I'll carry you back myself. You won't have to worry about being dragged off by stray dogs on the roadside, and you won't have to worry about collapsing into the mud and dirtying your beloved robe. One shot a day, rain or shine. How does that sound, this exclusive Explosion nanny service?"
Megumin's breathing stopped on the spot.
"O-One shot every day... and a personal carrying service..."
In an instant, an image appeared in her mind. Herself casting Explosion beneath the setting sun, then lying contentedly across Kōichi's broad back as he carried her leisurely back to town.
It was the ultimate lifestyle every Explosion mage dreamed of!
"K-Kōichi... you actually came out with terms no one could possibly refuse..."
Megumin's body began to tremble slightly, and her gaze had already completely left Kazuma.
"Wait!! I can do that too!!" Kazuma cried out in despair. Forgetting all about his dignity, he lunged between Kōichi and Megumin and shouted, "One shot a day, right? I can do that too! It's just carrying someone, isn't it? Not only will I carry you every day, I'll also loudly recite all those chuuni lines you taught me while I'm doing it! I'll even buy you the best mana recovery potions! Pick me! Megumin, pick your old partner!"
Megumin stood there, looking left at Kōichi's sincere, devilish face, then right at Kazuma's desperate, groveling one.
"W-What am I supposed to do..." Megumin sank into the hardest choice of her life, and her clever little head seemed ready to start smoking from sheer overuse. "On one side is a kindred spirit who understands and appreciates art, and on the other is a full-service nanny... aahhh! Why can't I have both?!"
"You can only choose one!!"
Kōichi and Kazuma shouted in unison.
"Th-Then..." Megumin agonized over it for a long while, then finally gave up and dropped into a crouch, clutching her head with both hands. "I-I can't choose! The conditions you two offered are completely identical! It's one to one! You're tied! A tie!"
Kōichi and Kazuma looked at each other, and it felt as though sparks were flying through the air.
Aqua supported Kōichi, while Megumin supported Kazuma.
That meant the only deciding vote left... was Darkness's!!!