I was stunned by what he had just done. What had he been thinking?
I stared at him as he left. After almost three years together, surely he wasn't going to ignore me. He gestured for me to come over, letting the maid settle in and invite me into his study to talk.
The two boys were asleep in our bed in the next room, so he whispered. I was sitting in the armchair opposite him; his study was far more luxurious than the rest of the house. I understood now why he spent all his time there.
"My previous wife was of low nobility. She managed to raise three children like warriors, taking care of everything. I think I idealized that image of the woman I wanted to project to you."
"I intend to take care of the children exclusively."
He choked on his sip of tea that I had prepared for him about fifteen minutes ago and stared at me with wide eyes. Did he think I was joking ?
"If I'm here, it's because your children are all dead, and that's very regrettable, but perhaps it was because, raised like conquerors, they were destined to face danger. As you've seen, I'm the heiress to a marquisate, I received a more than adequate education, I've read a great deal, I know the arts, etiquette, and mathematics. Instead of paying a tutor, wouldn't it be more effective for me to educate my own children?"
"You would educate them?" he asked suspiciously. He finally sighed when he saw me nod and added:
"I'd like to trust you, but education is something that has to be impartial. It's very likely that you're influencing their personal judgment by teaching them all this. A woman..."
"Shut up. You're obtuse and condescending. Do you think that because I'm a woman I'm of bad moral character, even to the point of condemning my children's freedom of individual reasoning? That because I'm a woman I'm not even supposed to know how to read? That I can't count to 10? Pull out my tongue if you don't want me to speak to my children because, whether it surprises you or not, I READ IN A BOOK that children learn through daily interactions 30 times faster than in class time."
I left his office, my heart pounding with anger. Was I just trash? I thought he saw me a little better, but I must have been dreaming again...
I would never be able to reason with this boorish knight
Euria, who had celebrated her first birthday two months ago, was already walking everywhere, putting her fingers everywhere, especially on her little brother who, I felt sorry for him, had trouble sleeping. This time, he stopped in front of me, looked me in the eyes, and finally came and clung to my dress.
"Are you hungry, my love? Do you want to eat something?"
"Som'ings..."
"What? A biscuit?"
"Biscuit."
I picked him up to take him downstairs and feed him, but Euria started crying, and I ran back to the bedroom to get him.
"Biscuit."
"Yes, darling, but your brother is hungry too. Just wait a little while..."
My daily life was anything but restful. Two such young children weren't the easiest thing to look after. I was quickly overwhelmed with demands, even though the youngest couldn't speak yet. What would it be like when there were two of them begging me for specific things and throwing tantrums because I didn't understand a thing?
"Here are your biscuits."
"Aah!"
Amaiera was energetic... really very energetic. He ran everywhere, especially on the stairs where I was always afraid he'd hurt himself.
Something scared me a little... he talked to me all the time, even if it was just nonsensical phrases with only intonations, but... he never spoke in front of his father.
He was going to make me look like an idiot, especially since during meals, when he started eating on his own, he stopped doing anything as soon as his father appeared.
"Aren't you eating? Isn't it good? I made it..."
Izua sighed, holding his head in his hand. He must have been thinking that if our first was this difficult, what would it be like with a second?
"Did you pass on your expensive tastes to them, Ede?"
"How could I have done that? I don't have any luxury products for them to taste."
He stood up, exhausted by Amaiera's behavior at the table, but also by my inability to fully fulfill my conjugal duties with him at night because Euria was a real crybaby who didn't give me a day's peace.
Luckily, Haina was there. She didn't talk much, but she did her job well and always fed Amaiera when he came to get some from the kitchen.
"Is Euria eating well? He's thin, isn't he?"
Izua said, watching him let go of my breast after three sips.
He wasn't eating much, and I couldn't do anything about it. He was really thin for a baby, which bothered me as much as it bothered Izua.
"I don't know why he eats so little...should we take him to a doctor?"
"What would be the point? Force him to drink."
"I-I can't do that. Do you want to be violent with a baby?!"
He glared at me and went back to sleep in his office, as he always did. He left me the bed where I slept next to Euria, and where Amaiera, who slept poorly, eventually joined me.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm scared..."
"Why?"
I took him under my arm and held him close as he snuggled against me. He wasn't crying, but he was trembling; sometimes these unpleasant sensations reached Euria, who would start to whimper.
"What happened? Did you have a nightmare?"
"Yes..."
"It will pass, my darling...Sleep, and it will disappear with the sunrise."
I was trying to make them both feel comfortable in this home, but I could see that Euria was particularly tense about Amaiera when he was a baby...it was surely my fault, or rather, mostly Izua's, who was putting constant pressure on me after I'd proclaimed that I was going to take care of my children.
Finally, I left Euria in Amaiera's room and decided to fulfill my marital duty at least once a month to relax Izua, whose veins were showing.
It was still just as unpleasant as before, but I felt relieved in the sense that the pressure would subside tomorrow morning. He settled down to sleep next to me and sighed as if he still wasn't satisfied.
"What more do you want?" I asked him as I got dressed
"You're just an insolent brat I regret marrying every day...you're not even useful anymore for having children...I don't know why I still keep you here. The children you gave me are just like you...I dream every day that you'll take them and leave."
I squinted at him, looking at him in the candlelight on his bedside table. He seemed at his wit's end, unable to get angry with me. Finally, I undressed and said goodbye to my peace for the night. I'd sleep tomorrow, it didn't matter... What he wanted was for me to become that obedient girl again, crying because she made the floor creak and knowing it would cost her violence.
"You can punish me in this room. You can hit me, torture me...but leave the children out of it. They're perfect...they're beautiful. If you took care of them a little and they had a parental figure, maybe they'd be happier and more disciplined. Maybe you'd also stop having such a negative view of them..."
Since that night, every day I gave Izua what he wanted, I did everything he wanted...everything...and in return he freed the household of its tension. He held Euria in his arms at night when I couldn't get up anymore, he comforted Amaiera through her less frequent nightmares as best he could. He began to speak in front of his father, and the two of them ate in front of him.
"I'm pregnant again. Take it easy tonight..."
"Pregnant? You? I thought you couldn't anymore."
"If I miscarry, just tell yourself it's normal..."
Izua didn't pay any attention to the fact that I was pregnant. He must have already been imagining my miscarriage, so he forced me to maintain my daily routine of chores, nighttime awakenings, and violent marital duties.
I forgot I had this baby inside me because no one reminded me... People tended to forget its existence, or worse, mistreat me even more when I was already fragile.
"My stomach hurts. Can I stop here for today?"
"Go ahead. You're not doing anything anymore, it won't make a difference if you stop now."
I was over four months pregnant. It had become complicated for me because after any exertion my stomach would pull. I was developing a phobia thinking about the blood that flowed from me when I was pregnant with Euria and spent my days sitting as much as possible.
"I received a letter," Izua said after returning from his afternoon in town where he had posted all those messages.
"A letter more special than the others?"
"It's from the Emperor, Ede."
He entrusted it to me, made me read it. It was just a collection of double entendres and polite formulas; only the last lines, where he summoned Izua to the castle, were important.
"Are you going to the Imperial Palace?"
"Given the mission I've been assigned, it will take a month or two. You'll have to come with me."
The journey was half a day...the road was winding...did he want to throw my baby to its death? He was already growing in a fragile womb; if I left here in a horse-drawn carriage, I was definitely going to lose him.
Besides, Amaiera, who was almost two, wasn't going to accept spending so much time in a carriage. He wasn't as understanding as Euria, who, as she approached her first birthday, had become very easygoing.
"Isn't such a long carriage ride dangerous for the baby?"
"Is he still in your womb?" He seemed rather surprised when he asked me that
At four months, he couldn't yet see the roundness of my belly and must have thought I'd had a miscarriage all by myself, gotten rid of it, and never spoken of it again. Unfortunately, I wasn't that insensitive; I was a coward, afraid of losing him now that he was here.
"I wish he would live."