"If you only knew the shame I feel taking her out of our country house. If I didn't have to keep an eye on her, I would have left her to rot there."
"Funny... I want to meet her even more now. Madwomen in heat... they're not exactly common."
The count quickly changed the subject, embarrassed that his ruse wasn't working on the emperor himself, who was also suffering from a contagious madness.
It didn't take him long to return from that meeting enraged and make me pay for it with violence
I said nothing, I remained silent under his mistreatment. Unfortunately, my daily life consisted of being nothing more than an object. I hoped he would give me back my clothes permanently one day, but I was only allowed to wear a light dressing gown to decently welcome my children in the evening, something he would take away as soon as I returned to his room and punish me for.
"You've been a good wife since we've lived here. I'm proud of you, if you keep it up I'll make you even happier."
I felt his lips press against mine as we finished... it was the first time anyone had done anything like that to me, it was very disturbing.
He lay back down with a smile as I waited, lying there staring at the ceiling, disturbed by the kiss.
A kiss... it was between two people who loved each other... just as I thought of marriage and marital duty, but... it had just shattered my last romantic notions of life. I had just received appeasement. Deep down, it didn't matter, did it? I no longer... needed... to dwell on the possibility of a new romance.
I sat up, unable to sleep, my naked body shivering in the cold of another winter
I probably had nothing left now. I could surrender to being a submissive animal, never receiving pleasure, never being free...or perhaps that's where pleasure lies.
If I let myself be constrained, it will no longer be constraint and I could finally receive pleasure... I could accept a husband I don't love and tell myself that love is obligatory, so I could love him and... no longer feel like a slave to this life.
Euria came knocking on our bedroom door; I recognized him by his small steps
He must have been hungry because I hadn't stopped feeding him milk in addition to his meals, finding him too frail.
I put on my dressing gown and rushed out of the room before he started crying, thinking I'd forgotten him.
"Mom...yum..."
"Yes, yum yum, come on."
I picked him up and rocked him while his little face pressed against my breast, searching for food. He must have been starving. Maybe I should feed Amaiera this way if they weren't giving them enough to eat.
I couldn't control the food portions because I wasn't there when they ate. Subconsciously, I found myself going to wake my firstborn to ask if he was hungry.
I ended up feeding them like this, more than worried about leaving them tomorrow with nannies who weren't feeding them properly.
"Are they nice to you?"
Amaiera nodded, so I was reassured, but I still had my doubts. Something didn't seem quite right.
"I'll go tell them to give you more to eat tomorrow."
"Mommy...I want a hug."
I was trying to hug Amaiera, but unfortunately it seemed to bother Euria, who was still nursing, so I could only half-huddle her.
"When are we going home?"
"When? Mommy doesn't know, but I hope we're going home soon. That way, Mommy can spend all her days with her beloved babies. I miss you so much."
"Mama cuddle."
I took them both in my arms, looking out of their bedroom window. The night was high and full...the same night I saw from my house when I was little, the one that wasn't hidden by the forest like at home. I had gotten used to this home because my children loved this country house, but...I had always been disappointed not to be able to see the horizon, hidden by the forests and their trees that grew so high that even part of the sky was obscured.
I was going to put them back to bed because now that they had full bellies, they were dozing in my arms. Unfortunately, I wasn't about to leave because I could hear footsteps coming from the hallway that separated our two bedrooms.
Maybe it was Izua... but he was a heavy sleeper, so I didn't think it could be him.
I remained standing after blowing out the candle, staring at the door because the sounds stopped in front of it.
"Are you sure this is it? Do we have to take both of them?"
"The emperor asked for the youngest."
"Which one is it?"
"The tiny one in the bed on the right."
Amaiera was looking at me, the moonlight illuminating his blue eyes...ah...
I didn't move when he got up to go to his brother's bed.
He wanted to protect him...?
As if I wasn't capable of protecting them myself...I....
I have to protect them.
I sat on the edge of the bed, calmly, while they hid under it.
I waited for them to start coming in. From the noise at the end of the room, I would have said...a man and a woman. But the man looked strong; I couldn't attack him. I had to scare them some other way...
But I wasn't scaring them, I...
I should have realized something was wrong from the moment I started dreaming about my children.
"Leave this room before I get angry."
The footsteps stopped. The man was in front, the woman behind him. I turned my head to look at them in the complete darkness; their candle illuminated their faces, but the light didn't reach me.
"What do we do...?"
"We tell the Emperor..."
He turned to leave, but I frowned. They thought they could attack those for whom I would give my life with impunity.
I didn't know what to do with the sewing scissors I had found in Euria's drawer. Now I...I told myself I was too weak for hand-to-hand combat, but I...I wasn't afraid at all because they were turning back.
Unexpectedly, it pierced the man's skin like butter. I, who had never hit anyone, felt very strange. Blood spurted from the wound when I pulled it out while he wasn't really moving anymore...I...
"Never...come back..."
I slammed the door behind them, cold sweat running down my back. I was freezing.
Luckily, Euria and Amaiera quickly came out from under the bed to see me.
One remained silent, the other cried...and I...
I just took them in my arms to leave that room and take them to see their father.
"Izua...Izua..."
"Daddy..."
Euria patted her father on the back to wake him up after I, frightened, lit some candles to give us light.
"What's all the commotion...?"
He stood up, took Euria in his arms, and looked at me as I was covered in blood. I had never seen him jump so high; he even slapped me on the shoulder, saying I had almost given him a heart attack
"I had gone to put Euria back to bed after they came knocking, and then... while I was tucking him in, some people who had a key to our children's room came in and tried to take them away. I didn't know what to do, so I... I just used the sewing scissors so they wouldn't take them..."
"You're really crazy... oh dear..."
Even he didn't know what to say anymore. He just took our two children in his arms, looking at my mouth, which couldn't close because I was so out of breath.
"Let's have them sleep here if it makes you feel better. You should go to bed now before you give us another premature baby because of the stress."
I was relieved that he was willing to keep them with me. I sat facing the children, waiting for them to fall asleep. Amaiera, always more attached to me than her brother, had her head against my shoulder as she drifted off
"Mommy yum."
I was woken up by Euria, who was nudging me to wake up. Knowing he wouldn't give up, I quickly got my breast out so he could eat. Izua, exhausted from waking up so early because of Euria, glanced at me and said in a sleepy voice:
"Are you going to keep feeding this kid like a baby for much longer?"
"Well... I don't think he's being fed properly. He's been hungry all the time these past few days. Don't you think that's abnormal?"
"He'll get enormous if you overfeed him. Do you really want a chubby little boy for a son?"
"He's so thin he could break."
I was dressing the children, although I didn't intend to leave them with the maids today. I'd rather die than let them go alone, with adults trying to kidnap them.
"Today, if I can't go with them, they'll stay with me. That's all there is to it."
Izua was getting dressed in turn, exhausted. I wasn't naked like every day, but rather wearing this grayish dress he'd had custom-made for me, even though my belly had grown.
"Where do you think you're going? You're staying here."
He said sternly, not as a question but as a harsh order. I was hair done and dressed, my children too, ready to go and fight.
"What do you think? Where could I go?...we'll play in the garden over there."
I pointed to the grassy area below, he stared at me as if to say I wasn't going anywhere no matter what, but Euria seemed so happy to be going out with me that he was already going to open the door with his brother's help.
"Don't you have any heart? You're free to join us."
He narrowed his eyes, but I quickly left the room, rushing into the castle's wide corridors for the first time. I felt suffocated and vulnerable within those four walls. As agreed, I laid down a sheet for us to sit on, and the boys began picking wildflowers at my request. I was going to teach them useful things. I was going to do everything myself...educate them, entertain them, feed them...