"I wish he would live."
"In that case, we'll take it easy on the journey. I'm not a magician; I can't bring this child back to life if he's destined to die."
It wasn't long before we left. The only thing he did before our departure was have Haina take my measurements so that I could be fitted with an outfit suitable for the emperor, who loved beautiful things more than anything.
Even though I wasn't going to leave my apartments, a good appearance was the most important thing. Even though my body was mutilated beneath my dress, it had to be hidden.
Izua didn't like anything too flashy, so I had a dark-colored dress, made of opaque and dull fabric, but it was a well-made, custom-ordered dress that would serve me for the duration of my stay. He also dressed Amaiera and Euria elegantly; for these little ones, used to moving about in loose-fitting clothes, the court shirts and brooches were unpleasant to them
"Don't touch that, you'll prick your finger."
"Mommy, it itches..."
I held Euria on my left side and Amaiera, who was complaining a lot, on my right. This way I could take care of them equally, which didn't please my eldest at all, as he was very jealous of the attention I was giving his little brother.
I had to entrust Euria to Izua, who was sitting in front of me, exhausted, and asleep with his son on his lap.
"Mommy, you're very beautiful."
"Really? You're very handsome too."
Amaiera nodded before resting his head on my lap to sleep. I stroked his head to forget the burning sensation in my stomach all the way home. We had left early in the morning, but unfortunately, I had to stop after two hours because I couldn't go on any longer. I vomited outside the carriage while Euria, the only one awake, seemed very worried, to the point of crying
"Mama..."
"Mom is fine. He's just a little sick from the bumps in the road."
"Mama..."
I went back to get him to comfort him.
Euria frightened me more and more as he grew. He looked so much like me that it scared me...
He was whiny, fragile, and the resemblance wasn't just mental; he also had the same face as me.
I would have wished for a brighter future for him if he didn't look so much like a Beste but more like a Gorra.
"You have Mom's eyes. Euria...you look extremely like me."
"Exment..."
"Yes...you like looking like Mom? If you like it...then I'd like it too."
The Beste and the Emperor...I had no idea what their connection was. I just hoped that the sister I hadn't heard from since I left...was okay and wasn't doing anything dangerous. Behean too...I hoped...that he was okay...
"Mom?"
His face suddenly flashed into my mind as I looked worriedly at Amaiera, who had caught my pale gaze.
I must have been brooding and releasing a lot of negative energy...
It was even worse when I thought he could be Behean's son, the result of my mistakes...
Luckily, Izua seemed convinced that dark hair and blue eyes were her physical attributes. But... Behean had that doe-like gaze when he looked at me.
There was a time when I had forgotten her; the older Amaiera got, the more I remembered my first and last love
"Don't go around shouting from the rooftops that you're a Beast. The Emperor has always had a strained relationship with that family. I'll just say that I married a peasant from my village to have children, so don't worry about it."
"I won't have to meet him, will I...?"
"No, and that's for the best."
I secretly wondered what the emperor might be like. Was he frightening like my husband? Brutal like him? Or was he a man with a softer heart than he seemed?
Even tyrants have two lives, don't they, a personal life and a public life...
I stepped out of the carriage into the castle courtyard. Izua was carrying Euria in his arms, Amaiera beside me, holding my hand apprehensively.
There was a deathly silence in front of the palace entrance. Izua didn't seem surprised; I was far from imagining such a sight.
"Let's get to our apartments quickly before the three of you cause a commotion."
"Don't we have anyone to escort us?" I asked in a hesitant, weak voice.
"I've always lived in the same place; we don't need them. If there were still enough servants to escort us, we would have heard them coming."
"The king... I mean, the emperor, does he take the lives of his servants?"
"If only he did that. He also takes the lives of his visitors, so go and hide quickly."
I shuddered and hurried after him. I told myself that perhaps there was some gentleness in such a hard man, but if I trusted what Izua had said, it was impossible. Who would be human enough to take another person's life? Everything is devoid of humanity
I thought my life would be simpler at the castle...and indeed it was, but there were nannies to look after my children, so I no longer had any excuse to spend as little time as possible with my husband.
I was alone with him almost every day, and he was hardly ever away.
My children went to play outside; they were taken to playrooms and had fun. I saw them laughing together a lot and getting closer... Amaiera didn't seem as happy
that Euria, who were discovering without any problem. The eldest seemed to have more character, and yet he was the most reluctant to leave me. Izua had to manage his outbursts in the morning when he had to leave me to go with the servants.
"What a fiery temperament!" he exclaimed, sitting down at his desk as he did every morning.
"You wanted a warrior, doesn't he fit the bill?"
He turned to look at him. It had already been a month since we arrived here. I hadn't left my husband's apartments once. I didn't dare, and I didn't need to, especially since I'd been told I wasn't allowed to go with my children. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have allowed them to take them, but they had a lot to tell me in the evenings, so I was happy for them
I had discovered something else... something that harmed me every day. The fantasies of the court were not a lie or a rumor; they were real. Since my arrival, not a day went by when I was allowed to wear clothes. These were my husband's orders; he insisted on keeping me on a leash by stripping me of my garments. I could read, I could move, I could come to him, I could sleep, but I had to do so without my clothes from morning till night because, according to him, if I wore them, I would leave this room.
Deep down, I knew it stemmed from perverse inclinations, but... I said nothing and did as he said because he was my husband.
"Come sit on my lap, Ederra."
I was covered in hickeys and bites for the first time in my life. I only knew smacks and scratches at our country house; here things were very different. I no longer recognized marital duty as such, rather that he spent his days touching my body, doing everything but the act of reproduction itself.
It unsettled me, and I didn't see the point, but if my husband wanted it, I had to do it.
As I sat on his lap at his desk, doing my duty, there was a knock at the door for the first time in a month and a half. A man said in a solemn voice:
"The Emperor requests your presence in the meeting room, Count Gorra."
I was finally free from my tiresome days of exhibitionism and could finally get dressed again. Or so I thought. Izua locked all my dresses and panties in a trunk, telling me to wait patiently for her. It disgusted me, even though I was quite used to it after our four years of marriage. I covered myself with our bedclothes and spent my solitary hours reading, waiting for Izua to come back and finish our homework.
Izua knocked on the door of the hall, confident in his relationship and protection with
Emperor Hitzac.
Finally, it didn't take him long to start a conversation after sitting down next to him in a vast hall smelling of opium. Voices echoed in the emptiness, and traces of blood still present on the wood of some chairs showed an excess of anger from a past meeting with many participants.
"How are you, my old friend?"
"Better than you'd think. Who would be as fit as me at 52."
"For a broken-down knight, you're doing rather well. I've even heard you've remarried. I constantly heard your children's laughter in the South Wing of the palace; it made me long to be a father."
"Believe me, Your Majesty, children and women are simply superfluous for a great man like yourself."
The Emperor narrowed his beautiful green eyes as he teased the old count producing the documents he had written, thinking this was a meeting and not the friendly interview the Emperor desired.
"Speaking of women, I would like to meet yours. You are my oldest friend, and yet I cannot meet your companion."
"I would gladly introduce her to you if she weren't such a lustful female dog, and crazy to boot. I took her as my wife out of pity because she was dying alone, but we have only been married for four years, she has already given me two children, and she is expecting a third."
"What a whore. She must be truly difficult to live with."
"If you only knew the shame I feel taking her out of our country house. If I didn't have to watch over her, I would have left her to rot there."